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How to Kill Your Boyfriend (In Ten Easy Steps)

How to Kill Your Boyfriend (In Ten Easy Steps)

Author:D.V. Bernard
Release Date:2006
Publisher:Strebor Books

By Wendy Ward | Posted 7/5/2006

A book that opens with a Dear Reader letter written by publisher/erotic writer Zane screaming the author’s praises begs a couple of questions. First, is said author, D.V. Bernard, in fact Zane? Second, is the reader going to be slapped across the face with a well-hung member and a throbbing flower or two? Well, no, as far as the internet says, and yes, this novel is sexual in a blatant boom-chucka-chucka-boom way.

The novel itself, How to Kill Your Boyfriend (in Ten Easy Steps), tells a fantastical story that never pretends to be anything but—besides, perhaps, a means to spill Bernard’s philosophy. When Dr. Vera Alexander, the author of How to Have Great Sex With a So-So Man, is accosted at a book signing by a strange woman: “I took the weight for you . . . If you don’t remember me, it’s too late for that. It’s too late.” The woman gets hit—and killed—by a bus running away from the bookstore, and Vera’s life changes drastically.

Made famous enough to host a sex/relationship advice radio show after that public display of strangeness, Vera lives a static social life until she meets the appealing Stacy, who takes her for an odd ride filled with killing and sex. Stacy, the director of what she terms “hideous” and senior—not at the same time, mind you—porn not only has the ability to open Vera up to the pleasures she is a so-called expert in, but also to murdering and bringing a person back to life. For real. And the victim is Stacy’s boyfriend.

Along the kill/bring ’em back roadway, Vera falls for the detective following cagey Stacy, but she never stops trying to figure out the elusive Stacy herself. Well, she stops whenever—which is frequent—Stacy starts in on telling a story to pass the time. And these stories are, like, about a Pussyman-made-Superman by sniffing a pair of panties and a dildo that has personal feelings. Racy? Sure. Sensual? Not so much.

Stacy likes to hear herself pontificate about not only sex but also the philosophy behind morality or killing or women’s sexual power. To quote: “I don’t think anything is sacred. I believe in needs and necessity.” The detective has his share of monologues, too: “Evil makes revenge easy; when you allow yourself to believe that others are evil, the evil behind your own actions begins to look like righteousness.” Blah, blah. You end up wanting to kick the soapbox from beneath them.

It all comes out in the wash, which is a nod to Bernard. Zane writes in her letter to the readers, “One day D.V. Bernard will write a literary work that will earn him the Pulitzer Prize in Literature.” Seriously debatable. Our money is on book sales, honey.

E-mail Wendy Ward

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