Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Future Tense

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 6/2/2010

I just totally enjoyed my Memorial Day Holiday Weekend, but really I haven't for-reals enjoyed it yet, because in order to Enjoy my Memorial Day Holiday Weekend, I gotta file the Mr. Wrong "column" early and In Advance, in order to have the day off, as it were, and Observe the holiday, if you will, won't you? So I could keep telling you all about my Holiday in the Past Tense even though it hasn't occurred yet, but thinking like this is starting to make my head hurt. Yeah, I know: Thinking.

Anyway and but really man, my The Mr. Wrong column hasn't run since May fucking the 5th, you know? I don't even know why I bother. Oh wait, yeah I do: The Money, har!

Yeah, The Money I get for the Mr. Wrong column helped make this Memorial Day Weekend Holiday That I Have Not Observed Yet But Am Preparing To Tell You All About In Advance For You To Read After The Fact turn out to be one of the finest and most satisfying Holidays ever. But not really, because it hasn't occurred yet, OK?

And seeeeeeeeeeeeriously, c'mon, my Column, man, it's like four fucking weeks since the last one, whatever the fuck it was, jeez. I think it was about horses, my previous column, and which ones I was gonna pick for the Preakness, which didn't exactly work out the way I planned, Hi Ho. I don't even know why I bother. Oh wait, yeah I do, the money, damn.

So look, speaking of Money, I take all kindsa holidays, but I never fucking ever take a fucking holiday from writing the F-Word, aka filing the Mr. Wrong, because basically if I don't file one, it is highly probable nobody will notice, and then they (and you know who They are) will be like, "Hey, you know, that wasn't so bad, that no-Mr. Wrong-column thing, eh? I mean, did you even notice the lack of Wrong? You know, we could save a few bucks if we just keep doing that, just keep not running that crap, right?" And then I don't have any money to invest at the racetrack, see? So I Always Be Filing, man, like those fish that have to keep swimming, otherwise they will sink to the bottom of the ocean, and we know how crappy a place that is now, hah?

Look, man, I know this isn't after the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend yet, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that in between times of being an American and enjoying some sort of barbecued Meat Product and my favorite alco-beverage and some Relaxation and Reflection/confusion about what exactly Memorial Day . . . even though I Googled that shit in advance . . . Jesus Christ, man, doesn't anybody just Google this shit, to brush up on Memorial Day being Decoration Day . . . and then going on at length about how I always Forget about Memorial Day, get it . . . joke . . . forget it . . . and then a couple more alco-beverages . . . are there any more hamburger buns . . . howcome there's eight hotdog buns and 10 fucking hotdogs . . . I'm not putting two hotdogs in one bun, man . . .  hey where did I put that beer I just fuckin' opened, what . . . whaddya mean drank it already, no, you fucking drank it already, man . . . etc. . . .

I bet I was spending a large portion of my Holiday Weekend worrying about shit, seriously, man, like that gigantor Oil Slick the BP guys said they were gonna do a Junk Shot into or a Top Kill on top of before the Top Hat or whatever, and I'm not big on Conspiracy Theories or anything, but howcome all I'm hearing about cleaning up this mess is weird Optimistic blathering about how Nature takes care of oil spills with sunlight and Natural bacteria and rainbows and shit, and this isn't the worst kind of oil that could be spilled, and there was one guy even talking about how an effing hurricane would be good right about now, to break up the concentrated oil and disperse it all over the place so it can break down, blah, blah, etc. What?

I'm no expert on anything, but I am a professional non-expert on everything, and I wanna know howcome if oil is so goddamn scarce and valuable and important why the Oil Company--and don't kid yourself, there's really only one Oil Company--doesn't have like, some ships that have hoses or whatever on them to just suck the fucking oil out of the water, huh? Forget about the fucking Ecology for a minute, man, there's, like, kabillions of barrels of cash plume-spewing out into the water! Howcome nobody is yelling and screaming about the money the way they all wail and rend garments and gnash teeth when the goddamn Stock Market dips below the Psychologically important 10,000-points mark?

But let's go Back to Nature: Oil and Water don't mix, right? Isn't that some Science or whatever? How come they are dumping shit into the water to break the oil up? They are destroying the "Black Gold," yes?

Meanwhile, it's not even appropriate to say like, "happy Memorial Day" and stuff like that because it's originally about decorating tombstones of people who died in the Civil War of the United States of America, but all anybody cares about is that three-day weekend so they can relax, which is what I did, mostly. I mean, I will.,

Related stories

Mr. Wrong archives

More from Joe MacLeod

Swizzlin' Summer (7/28/2010)

The Mr. Wrong column is now monthly (6/30/2010)

Hi Ho! (5/5/2010)
BELIEVE you will Get In On It while you are Getting Your Preakness on, freak.

Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter