Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Orange Alert

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 6/15/2005

Is it me, or are they ripping up every fucking street between whereverthefuck I am and whereverthefuck I wanna go?

Right? I mean, whatís with all these goddamn big orange cans all over the place? Whatever happened to those cute líil orange cones they useta use? Now they got these big-ass orange barrels with the reflecto-tape on íem, and they are like fucking everywhere all over the place, man. And look, seriously, I think this is all about the War on Freedom, man. I mean, I think a lot of the shit that goes down now on The Streets ainít just like some ďyour tax dollars at workĒ type of deal, although, well, yeah, I guess itís still my tax dollars at work, but I donít think itís about the potholes or lovely decorative wildflower plantings in the central reservation of the freeway or anything like that, no way. I think theyíre putting, like, cameras or nuclear atomic X-ray Detectors in the roads what for to Detect shit maybe.

Look, all I know is I canít get in my goddamn car without seeing one of those giant electric arrows telling me lane closed and stay alert and move my junk left or move it right, and as soon as I see that gigantical blinking arrow, I know some bozo is gonna start crowding me because they gotta get One Car Length More, you know? Canít just fucking move over to the side the arrow says you should move to in an orderly fashion and maybe allow one or two cars to squeeze in front of you. No-ooo, greedy little car-pig, you gotta speed the fuck up and try to get as many car lengths as you can in front of most cars Trying to Do the Right Thing, but then some of those law-abiding drivers crack and start tailgating each other to keep the oinky-ass little car-pigs who want One More Car Length from getting in front of them as the lanes squeeze down, and then you got all these stupid little standoffs where people are either butting in or tailgate-blocking, and the whole line transmogrifies into a throbbing murder-kill tension-chain where everybody is moving one inch at a time to Defend or Attack the line, and now I have a headache and Iím talking to myself in my shiny little box:

Right, right, OK, fuckiní BMW, just gotta get in front of me, right? Couldnít deal with having a crappy Civic in front of you for the whole next quarter-mile? Nuh-uh, no, you gotta go right up to where the barrels are shutting down the goddamn lane so you can get exactly one fucking car length farther before you slam on your brakes. Nice, youíre going 60 mph in a fucking 25 mp-fucking-h fucking speed limit finesare doubledcautionhazardslowthefuckdown youidiot zone soís you could get that goddamn One More car space you greedy stupid-ass road hog four-on-the-floor stick-shift dipshit stick-fucking shit-stick. Thatís it, go right ahead, but fuck you and Everybody Who Drives Like You, now Iím gonna straddle over the lane-and-a-half width thatís left and None Shall Pass, goddammit. I got nothing to lose, punks, I got a Honda with 270,000 miles on it, and you canít do anything except put this set of wheels out of its misery, because no way am I spending money to fix the CV boots or whatever, so címon and bring it. Except for you, Jeep goddamn Grand Cherokee with the tinted windows thatís coming up in the Emergency Lane, goddamn Jeep Grand fucking Cherokee Laredo starting at $27,050 MSRP in the Emergency Lane, you piece of crap, I swear to Jehovah God your car should be taken away from you and Destroyed in an Undisclosed Location where there are no Civil Rights and maybe even tortured first. Like, Iíd like to yank off your windshield wipers and then put your wheels in cold water for a coupla hours and pull your fucking Owners Manual outta your glove box and rip it up into little shreds and then stuff the torn-up parts into your gas pipe and light it and watch that thing Blow Up Real Good, yeah, you Emergency Lane-abusing motherfucker, you. I canít believe this shit when dirty little road pigs like you pull this kinda crap. Just once I wish a cop car was there to drive right up your tailpipe and then maybe youíd get an Emergency in your pants, but thereís no goddamn Justice when the Orange Barrels are the only ones watching the herd, man. Youíre just like the tool who parked at the mall at an angle the other night so the truck took up three fucking car spaces you piggy little poopy-pants parking-pig, what gives you the right to take up three spaces. I wish someone would seize your vehicle and scratch all the paint up and put one dent in each section and then snap off all your mud flaps and now thereís one of these barrels out of position and itís blocking the lane prematurely and thereís a clusterfuck car-jam but nobodyís gonna touch that barrel, no way, and Iím starting to think maybe thereís Something inside those barrels, you know?

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
Calendar
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter