Aaargh, what the hell am I doing? Am I thinking this crap up out loud or just writing it down? I mean, it’s all done already, seriously. There it is, two words: Liquid Donuts. That’s it, man, the whole fucking column this week is that one thought. It’s not original or anything, but I think it’s Important.

So you don’t have to read anymore if you don’t want to, assuming you wanted to at all in the first place, or maybe you just kinda accidentally slowed down and your eyeballs got all speed-bumped by “Liquid Donuts.” Man, I know mine would. Hey, maybe that’s my whole Problem, right? I poop out this column and cram in (or fluff way the fuck out) stuff that I like, but maybe I should do some Focus Groups or get a Readership Survey done to find out what people Really Want to Read About. But look, if there’s laundry going around and around in front of you in the dryer and this is the only thing between you and reading the sign about not responsible for items left in washers, then go ahead and read the rest, since you got nothing better to do presently. It’s OK, really.

Liquid Donuts, baby! Yeah, that’s what just happened in my brain. Hells yeah, Jesus Christ, somebody help me. Liquid fucking Donuts. Arrgguguhhllguhllghlguh-gargllarglhrrrp.

And don’t go telling me how to spell Donut, umkay? D-O-N-U-T, and none of that D-O-U-G-H-N-U-T crap. Because that’s what is it, dough + nut? And I’m talking about donuts at Dunkin’ Donuts mostly, although I once ate six of the fine standard-issue Krispy Kreme “doughnuts” in one, uh, sitting, so if that’s how they roll ’em out and spell it at the Krispy-to-the-Kreme, I’m like, you know, much respect and all. If they say “doughnut,” then I’m gonna speak it and spell it and eat it and smile, OK?

I went to a Krispy Kreme that was having a “Grand Opening,” and they do this thing where they light a little red light outside the store to let all the fat-asses know there’s freshly minted doughnuts to be had, ohhh. All these little shiny newborn doughnuts bobbling around in a river of hotter-than-hell oil, all floating downstream into the gaping maw of America. Shit-goddamn, that’s some good doughnut they make there at the Double-K, but on the contrary and however in my own opinion, I respectfully maintain the coffee sucks it there at the K-to-the-K. Seriously, I dunno what they do to it, but it’s like nuclear-surface-of-the-sun scalding hot, and just tastes like some, I dunno, some burnt bad-juice, and while I prostrate myself before their O.G. doughnut, I ain’t there for the coffee.

And I ain’t too proud to go get my glazey-glazed doughnut from the 2K and then walk into the Dunkin’ Donuts for some of their nice mellow coffee, and yeah, what the hey, gimme a couple of those Boston Kreme deals and one of those gigantical Apple Fritters while you’re at it, urp! Even though it is not a Donut per se, I Obey the Apple Fritter.

So anyway, yeah, donuts, they are Good, and We, the Human Race, have almost perfected them. Sure, everybody’s got their fave-rave thing with a hole in it, but we all agree on the mighty Donut as a Concept of what is Good. And yeah, it’s not Good for You, but it’s Good, and Life is Short, so lemme double up on that Boston Kreme order and pour me a big-ass cuppa coffee avec extra half-and-half and sugar, OK?

And look, I don’t know about you, but I tip at the Dunkin’ Donuts. Sure, maybe it’s only whatever change I get back from my purchase, but Dunkin’ Donuts is a place where you should Reward Service. Yeah, even if it’s just carry-out. I know, there are a lotta people out there who tip but refuse to give it up at a carry-out, and while I don’t tip it every time at the Double-D, I appreciate in a very real and financial sense when I gets my donuts most di di mau, because when I want a donut, I want it Now.

Anyway, look, I Googled “liquid donut” on the Google and the first hit was here: http://money.cnn.com/2004/07/21/news/midcaps/krispy_kreme/index.htm—all about how those magnificent bastards at Krispy Kreme were selling a donut-flavored beverage in 2004. I don’t know if they still are, but I say the gang in the lab at Dunkin’ Donuts is sleepin’, man. I mean, they’re pushing this whole “Coolatta” thing, and they don’t understand they are sitting on a gold mine. Why you guys trying to copy Starbucks with that Blueberry Coffee crap? Ackgh! Hack! Forget that ersatz Frappuccino jazz and get cracklin’ on some Liquid damn Donuts. Jeez, a nice cold Boston Kreme beverage? Liquid Fritter? You guys could Rule the World, and then everybody would have to spell it D-O-N-U-T.

Baltimore City Paper

812 Park Ave.

Baltimore, MD 21201

(410) 523-2300

Contact CP | Advertise | National Advertising | About Us | Work Here | Staff Directory

All parts of this site Copyright ©2013 Baltimore City Paper.