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Mr. Wrong

Gas Huff

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 7/13/2005

Jesus Christ, the gasoline, it is expensive, no? Itís gonna be three bucks a gallon or whatever pretty soon, right? Maybe even five. Fuck. Sometimes I wish all the gas was just gone already, you know?

Insteada having it cost more? Right? I mean, thereís still lotsa fucking gas, it just costs more, right? You seen any fucking gas stations running outta gas? I mean, I thought the War Against Freedom was all about us (as in U.S.) getting a shot at controlling some more Natural Resources, you know?

Eventually theyíre gonna be drilling for the oil in parking lots and peopleís backyards and elementary schools and nature preserves and shit, and itíll probably cost $10 a gallon, and thereíll still be lots and lots of gas, I bet your ass. Iím already lowering my standards using the ďregularĒ type of octane-number of gas now in my tired-ass Honda insteada the ďpremiumĒ go-juice, but the shit still costs twice what I wanna pay for it because of the Law of Supply and Demand or whatever, and thereís still lotsa fucking gas, you know?

Theyíre shooting goddamn fucking space shuttles into space, thatís how much gas there is. How much effing gas does one of those things need, hah? Canít they use littler rockets or something? And whatís with all these cheap airplane flights all over the place? How much goddamn gas goes inside an airplane? This shit doesnít make sense, man. Gas costs Too Much but airplane trips are Cheaper Than Ever. And the fucking train is always too expensive and the bus sucks. Why canít they make the train cheaper? I like the train.

They should have fewer airplane trips and charge more for them so that gas will be cheaper, right? Supply and Demand? My head hurts (and it ainít from gas fumes) when I see all the car companies selling more cars more cheaper, and now people will buy more goddamn gas. Seriously, I wish it was all gone. Then I could complain about my electric-atomic-hydrogen car or the horse I gotta ride to get to work.

Whoís gonna clean up all the horse poop? The fucking mounted police donít even clean their poop when they ride aroundótheir horse poop, that is. You ever seen a pile of that shit in the middle of the alley or whatever? Why canít they clean that up? Usually when it rains it turns into a big pile of hay or whatever and then it goes away, but jeez, thanks for the big pile of shit I gotta step over on my way to the office. Seriously, letís work on a plan to keep that shit off the streets, umkay?

Why the cops gotta ride around on horses, anyway? Canít they get scooters or mini-bikes or whatever all the fucking packs of kids I see in town are riding without any goddamn helmets or staying on the right side of the road/sidewalk and running the fucking red lights all the time? And yesterday two different people almost smashed into me in their cars because they blew right through the fucking red. What the fuck? Itís like since we got the red-light-cam nobody thinks twice about blowing a red on a noncam intersection. And what if a cop sees somebody run a red? They gonna catch íem on their fucking horse and write them a ticket? These red-light-cams are Eroding Our Society, man. Thereís no respect for the Red Light unless thereís a camera pointed at you, see?

See how this works? And the city rakes in the cash from the red-light-cam, and I gotta sit in a courtroom for three fucking hours listening to everybody (except me) straight up lie their asses off about how they didnít run the red, and then the guy from the company shows the picture of the car in the intersection, and guilty next case.

Weíre outsourcing the streets, man. This is Bad. The fucker from the red-light-cam company is more important than the judge in the courtroom. The judge is just a stooge for The Man, and we pay his salary two different ways, with the taxes and with the red-light-cam, and now it costs even more to run a red because of Supply and Demand and gas is gonna be like 15 bucks a gallon pretty soon.

And look, fucker, you sell me my gas, you got a lot of fucking chutzpah charging me for air for my fucking tire. Iím only buying gas from Hess and Wawa because they are the only gas places Iíve seen that have Free fucking Air. You gotta be kidding me. I got a slow leak in my tire, and so I gotta spend 50 cents every day to keep my tire from being sad? Bullshit on that, man, I just put 23 bucks in my gas tank and the damn air should be Complimentary, dig? Iím buying a fucking bicycle or a trail bike or something.

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