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Mr. Wrong

Lack of Interest

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 7/27/2005

Ohh, you dirty fucking bastards, I almost have this shit figured out, you fuckers, trying to put the squeeze on all us working and hardly working stiffs and not-so-stiffs, you dirty pieces of dirty dirt from the dirt under a dirtbag that is dirty. I swear to whatever stack of books or statues you got handy that, that . . . goddammit, if I was just a little bit smarter, Iíd have your whole Evil Plan figured out and then I could tell it, man. OK, a lot smarter.

So they (and you know who They are) are changing the bankruptcy laws, right? You hear about this fucking bullshit? Theyíre gonna make it less legal or More Complicated or whatever to fuck your credit for the next seven years or whenever by going bankrupt. And look, itís not that Iím trying to go bankrupt or anything, I mean, not trying, right? Umkay? Get it? Ha-ha? Yeah, itís really fucking easy to go bankrupt right now, I guess, but later it will be More Difficult. Donít ask me about the fucking details, because I donít know, OK? You think I got time to sit around and figure out about going bankrupt while Iím busy trying to earn a living out here? Huh? You know, to support my Grocery habit? And gas for my piece-of-shit car? And to pay my credit cards? Yes?

And now the ratfucking shitstains at the credit card places, or whoeverís got their hand up the fundament of aforementioned shitfucking ratstains at the credit card places, working them like a goddamn puppet, are talking about how they are gonna double my Minimum Payment. This shit all adds up to something, but I suck at math. But I get it: I am so screwed. These guys are gonna double my minimum, which I can barely fucking make, and then when I call up and ask if theyíll lower my interest rate because they are breaking my back, theyíre all like, ďWel-llll, you were late a coupla times, so we canít do that,Ē and then Iím all like, ďGreat, and then you stick a late fee on top when Iím late, and if it pushes my shit over my Credit Limit, you tack on another fee for that, and then you charge interest on top of all that shit, and if you keep it up, youíre gonna put people like me into the goddamn bankruptcy.Ē And theyíre like, ďYeah, asshole, we know, thatís why weíre gonna get them (as in Us) to change the bankruptcy thing so you canít do that, so shut up, fuck you, and pay us.Ē

Yeah, so allís I know is I hear about how this is gonna make us (as in U.S.) more Fiscally Responsible and shit, and not make it so much fun to be bankrupt or insolvent or whatever, but I just keep seeing the phrase debtorís prison floating before my eyes as I try to focus on the Zero Percent Credit Card Balance Transfer and Cash Advance things they (yeah, Them, those guys, damn skippy) keep jamming into my mailbox.

And look, no offense, but I got an offer for a Disney credit card? Seems kinda freaky, you know? I mean, really, no disrespect to the animations, but just donít letís put a goddamn Tinkerbell or Mickey fucking cartoon on my plastic shackle, dig? Maybe thatís just me, but I also donít feel so good knowing I might owe thousands of dollars to Goofy or the reanimated frozen head of Walt Disney I heard they (maybe not Them, but pretty fuckiní close) are keeping someplace. I swear, thatís what I heard, a frozen head, thatís awesome.

I wouldnít want my head frozen, though, I think. I would instead give permission to have it maybe sewn onto somebody else, like in that movie The Thing with Two Heads, where they sewed some football playerís head onto the President of the United Statesí frame, and they kept the Presidentís head on there, I forget why. Wait, fuck, maybe it was the other way around and they sewed the Prezís head onto a football player. I forget, but whatever, just donít sew my head onto a football player, because I figure itís gonna get knocked off in a game, what with the stitches and all and generally just being the weakest and most outta shape link on an otherwise top-conditioned athlete, you know? Sew my shit onto a nice Banker or Financial Adviser so I can figure out if this ďReal Estate Bubble but you can still get in on it if you get a Zero Principal All-Interest or maybe even a Negative Amortization or Option ARM MortgageĒ thing is a good idea or just another scheme by The Man to enslave the Populace, as in U.S., as in Me.

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