Ohh, you dirty fucking bastards, I almost have this shit figured out, you fuckers, trying to put the squeeze on all us working and hardly working stiffs and not-so-stiffs, you dirty pieces of dirty dirt from the dirt under a dirtbag that is dirty. I swear to whatever stack of books or statues you got handy that, that . . . goddammit, if I was just a little bit smarter, I’d have your whole Evil Plan figured out and then I could tell it, man. OK, a lot smarter.

So they (and you know who They are) are changing the bankruptcy laws, right? You hear about this fucking bullshit? They’re gonna make it less legal or More Complicated or whatever to fuck your credit for the next seven years or whenever by going bankrupt. And look, it’s not that I’m trying to go bankrupt or anything, I mean, not trying, right? Umkay? Get it? Ha-ha? Yeah, it’s really fucking easy to go bankrupt right now, I guess, but later it will be More Difficult. Don’t ask me about the fucking details, because I don’t know, OK? You think I got time to sit around and figure out about going bankrupt while I’m busy trying to earn a living out here? Huh? You know, to support my Grocery habit? And gas for my piece-of-shit car? And to pay my credit cards? Yes?

And now the ratfucking shitstains at the credit card places, or whoever’s got their hand up the fundament of aforementioned shitfucking ratstains at the credit card places, working them like a goddamn puppet, are talking about how they are gonna double my Minimum Payment. This shit all adds up to something, but I suck at math. But I get it: I am so screwed. These guys are gonna double my minimum, which I can barely fucking make, and then when I call up and ask if they’ll lower my interest rate because they are breaking my back, they’re all like, “Wel-llll, you were late a coupla times, so we can’t do that,” and then I’m all like, “Great, and then you stick a late fee on top when I’m late, and if it pushes my shit over my Credit Limit, you tack on another fee for that, and then you charge interest on top of all that shit, and if you keep it up, you’re gonna put people like me into the goddamn bankruptcy.” And they’re like, “Yeah, asshole, we know, that’s why we’re gonna get them (as in Us) to change the bankruptcy thing so you can’t do that, so shut up, fuck you, and pay us.”

Yeah, so all’s I know is I hear about how this is gonna make us (as in U.S.) more Fiscally Responsible and shit, and not make it so much fun to be bankrupt or insolvent or whatever, but I just keep seeing the phrase debtor’s prison floating before my eyes as I try to focus on the Zero Percent Credit Card Balance Transfer and Cash Advance things they (yeah, Them, those guys, damn skippy) keep jamming into my mailbox.

And look, no offense, but I got an offer for a Disney credit card? Seems kinda freaky, you know? I mean, really, no disrespect to the animations, but just don’t let’s put a goddamn Tinkerbell or Mickey fucking cartoon on my plastic shackle, dig? Maybe that’s just me, but I also don’t feel so good knowing I might owe thousands of dollars to Goofy or the reanimated frozen head of Walt Disney I heard they (maybe not Them, but pretty fuckin’ close) are keeping someplace. I swear, that’s what I heard, a frozen head, that’s awesome.

I wouldn’t want my head frozen, though, I think. I would instead give permission to have it maybe sewn onto somebody else, like in that movie The Thing with Two Heads, where they sewed some football player’s head onto the President of the United States’ frame, and they kept the President’s head on there, I forget why. Wait, fuck, maybe it was the other way around and they sewed the Prez’s head onto a football player. I forget, but whatever, just don’t sew my head onto a football player, because I figure it’s gonna get knocked off in a game, what with the stitches and all and generally just being the weakest and most outta shape link on an otherwise top-conditioned athlete, you know? Sew my shit onto a nice Banker or Financial Adviser so I can figure out if this “Real Estate Bubble but you can still get in on it if you get a Zero Principal All-Interest or maybe even a Negative Amortization or Option ARM Mortgage” thing is a good idea or just another scheme by The Man to enslave the Populace, as in U.S., as in Me.

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