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Mr. Wrong

Get Away

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 8/24/2005

Man, there’s a lotta important stuff happened this week, right? Seriously, I mean, I don’t know about you, but I found a new flavor of Cheetos “cheese flavored” snack, which is to say they got a new kind of flavored cheese dust to put all over the traditional ground-up baked corn product. Yeah, at the drugstore, man—it’s a fucking pizza-flavored Cheeto. Jesus Christ, it’s fucking “pizza” flavored cheese dust and, of course, it does not taste like pizza, but whatever, OK? I like pizza.

I can’t wait until they come out with the Roast Beef Cheeto, man, or the Ham and Cheese Omelet-flavored Cheeto. I could totally get behind that, I mean, seriously. I gotta see if I could get hired by Cheetos to help them with this shit. I mean, I ain’t braggin’ on myself, but look, just now I thought up Roast Beef and Omelet flavors of Cheeto. And you know what’s baking in the license-to-print-money Idea Oven I call my brain? Yeah, man, Chicken Cheeto. How you gonna miss? Fried Chicken Cheeto? Barbequed Chicken Cheeto? I got a million of ’em, man. Dill Pickle Cheeto, Bagel and Lox Cheeto, and Jalapeńo Cheeto, which I would want to call the JollaCheeto, hey.

Plus, there’s also this new iteration of the purple Mountain Dew, which was called “Pitch Black,” but it’s really purple, and this time it is named “Mountain Dew Pitch Black II,” and it’s tangier or more sour or something, I dunno. But anyway, I totally burned out on the first one because it was a “Limited Edition,” which makes a lotta sense, because the soda-pop company is putting out limited editions of colored bellywash since they don’t want everybody to buy their products all the time, right? Huh? Anyway, I got sick of the “Pitch Black,” because I drank like a bottle a day for three weeks, and there were still bottles of the shit at the store, so I kinda tailed off and went back to the original and more natural and wholesome green Mountain Dew, which is not really green in case you hadn’t noticed, eh? Yeah, pour some out for the homies, man, it looks more like, uh, well, “mountain dew,” I guess.

Look, let’s just say it’s No. 1 on my hit beverage parade, umkay? And it now has a No. 2 version of the purple blackness, which I gotta admit I’m just really not all that jacked about because I almost sugar-coma-OD’d on that first not-so-limited batch, and I never even got to the “Hey, should I put vodka or grain alcohol in this to cut the heaviness of the brominated vegetable oil stage of my limited-edition encounter with the Mountain Dew Pitch Black the First?” stage. Yeah, I read the goddamn labels on all this shit, and I still drink it.

So anyway, wow, it’s almost the end of summer vacation time. Did you have a nice vacation this summer? Did you eat any novel snack foods? That’s what I like to do on vacation, is find new kinds of snack foods. But anyway, I noticed everybody is getting all up in the President of the United States’ business about how he takes too much vacation. What’s the difference where he fucking is? He’s got a guy walking around with a briefcase manacled to his wrist with the fucking Missile Codes or whatever alla time, right? How much fun is your vacation when you got that guy standing around harshing your mellow, huh? And there’s that lady who’s kid got killed in the War on Freedom and she’s outside the Presidential Ranch or whatever totally putting a damper on his vacation? That’s gotta suck, right? You’re the most powerfullest man on the planet and you gotta sneak by the front gate to the ranch because there’s a bad photo op out there? Hey, Ranch-Dressing Cheeto, yum.

Look, just about everybody who gets a vacation is gonna have a better one than the president. Plus, I mean, what’s the big deal with the time off? I mean, who’s in Our Nation’s Capital right now, anyway? Aren’t all the Congressmens and Senatoresses in recession or something like that? And the Supreme fucking Court, no offense, what’re they doing right now except fixin’ to slide off the bench from old age and retiring and shit? Nothing, man, everybody’s on vacation, everybody except me, because this week I have to put out my column, and that’s not as hard as being the POTUS, I bet, most weeks, anyway, but next week I can go on vacation, and not just because my column is every-other week. I mean, come on, all I gotta do is double up one week, not like some of these other columnists who, like, “take a week off” from their column, har de har-har. Whoa, yeah, this column stuff is so-ooo hard, I gotta take a week off, man. So if you take a week off from making a column, then the fucking President, whoever the fuck it is, should get how much time off, hah?

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