Willing Heart Empty Wallet

Can anyone here say Oedipus? This is not the mate of your dreams. In fact, when you wake up from this little fantasy, WHEW, you’ll be slapping your forehead wondering what the hell you were thinking about with this kid. I call him a kid because he’s acting like one, and guess what your role is? It’s not just the age difference; there are plenty of 25-year-old guys who are emotionally and financially capable of having adult relationships. The problem is his lack of ambition and willingness to let you pick up the slack. He’s got a nice cushy life with you; with only a part-time job, he has a roof over his head, food on the table, and a willing woman in his bed. Your problem isn’t that you might lose him; it’s how hard it’s going to be to get rid of him.

Give him a month. If he’s really interested in building a future with you, there’s plenty of time for him to get a decent job. Tell him the only way you can share your life with him is if he can share the costs of it with you. That’s not nagging; that’s letting him know it’s time to grow up or get out. Tell him you care about him, but that if you had wanted to adopt an adorable stray, you’d have gone to the pound for a puppy.

I’m a 20-year-old guy. All through my teens I was fat, so I never had a girlfriend. It’s only been since I took off a hundred pounds that women have even started to notice me. I went on my first real date a couple of weeks ago with a woman I met online. I told her I hadn’t dated much (I couldn’t admit she was my first ever) and that I was a little shy, but she was very sweet and we had a really good time. I’ve seen her twice since then and really like her. It still makes me nervous to ask her out face-to-face, so I’ve always done it by e-mail, which worked because she always said yes. But after our last date, when I e-mailed her to tell her what a good time I had and asked her out for this Friday, she told me she was feeling kind of cranky and didn’t think she could see me over the weekend. She said she wasn’t blowing me off; she just wasn’t good company right now. Do you think she was telling the truth? Is this just a polite way of letting me know she isn’t interested? I have no experience with dating lingo, so I don’t know if she’s rejecting me or not. I haven’t heard from her for three days and I’m afraid to e-mail her again because I don’t want her to think I’m pressuring her or that I’m too needy. What should I do?

Fat No More

A high fuckin’ five to you, FNM. As someone with firsthand knowledge of what it takes to drop even a few pounds, I hope you’re giving yourself the credit you deserve. What you did took determination, persistence, and courage. Change, even when we want it, can be terrifying. If you can face that, you can deal with the terrors of dating.

Don’t assume “I’m cranky” is code for “get lost.” It could just as easily be code for some period-related misery, or it may just mean she’s in a bad mood. While it is possible she’s trying to let you down easy, before you give up on her she deserves at least one more e-mail. Tell her you’re sorry she feels so crummy, but you hope she’s better by next weekend because [name of movie] is opening and you’d really like to see it with her. You won’t come off as needy, and her response will let know whether you should move forward with her or move on. You’re just starting to date; if you’re like everyone else, it’ll take a lot of trial and error to find someone you’re willing to spend the next few months with, much less the rest of your life.

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