Bi Brenda

Stop right there, BB. Put down that issue of Brides magazine. Cancel the hall while you can still get your money back. You’re nowhere near ready to get married—to anyone. Of course marriage is about more than sex, but it is a lot about sex, and if you and your boyfriend are conflicted at this stage about where your sex life is going, that walk down the aisle is going to cause you both a lot more pain than happiness. While a bisexual wife may be some guys’ fantasy, obviously your guy doesn’t feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with that; fantasies aside, most folks prefer their spouses to be sexually exclusive. Neither is there anything wrong with your being attracted to other women; we don’t get to choose our sexual preferences. The problem is that as long as you each want and need different things neither of you can be happy without hurting the other, which will ultimately make you both miserable.

You need to explore your sexuality in more depth. It isn’t fair to you, your boyfriend, or anyone else you may become involved with to make a lifetime commitment until you know yourself better. In my experience, most supposed bisexuals eventually veer off in one direction or another, and you need the chance to see if this happens to you. The rest of your life will be a long time, if you’re lucky, and if you’re going to share any or all of it with someone else, it should be someone who is turned on by whatever your sexuality turns out to be.

I’m a relatively new bride of 24. My husband is 27, and we’ve been married a year, after dating for two. He’s a loving, thoughtful man, and in many ways the perfect husband, except I can’t for the life of me get him to do any housekeeping. He’s willing enough to do the “man” stuff like taking out the trash, cutting the grass, and shoveling the sidewalk—the two or three times a year it snows. But I’m left with all the everyday stuff like cleaning, cooking, laundry, and shopping. I’ve tried asking nicely, which had no effect; making chore charts, which he ignored; and for two weeks I stopped doing any housework at all, which left me with a filthy house and an oblivious husband—he didn’t even notice. I don’t want to be a nag, but we both work full-time jobs, and it’s not fair that the only way I can have the nice home I want is to do all the work myself. I’m ready for marriage counseling, but that seems like such a drastic step for almost newlyweds. Do you have any ideas?

Cinderella

It’s a horrible fact of life—and home sharing—that the one who cares the most does the most. When one person doesn’t notice a filthy bathroom, the one who does cleans it. It’s not right, it’s not fair, but if you want to change it, you have to take charge.

I believe in housekeepers. An ounce of prevention, in the cost of someone who comes in once or twice a week to clean, is worth a hell of a lot more than a pound of cure in the cost of arguments, stress, and, eventually, money paid to marriage counselors and/or divorce lawyers.

Do some research: Ask your friends for recommendations or call a service and set up a time for someone to come in. Then tell your husband you’ve done it, and that if there’s anything he doesn’t want the housekeeper to see, he’d better put it away. Tell him you know he doesn’t care as much as you do about the house, so you’re taking the burden off his shoulders and putting it on a professional. It’s OK to ask him to pay or help pay for it, but even if he won’t, what you save in aggravation will be well worth whatever the price.

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