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Oh, Grow Up

By Mink Stole | Posted 8/31/2005

Iím 20 years old, and my boyfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for nearly two years. Weíve been saving our money and are planning an April wedding next year. Weíve had some rocky times but weíre really in love and I truly believe we were made for each other. The only thing thatís any real problem for us is that Iím kind of bisexual and want the freedom to explore that side of myself. Even though we did have a three-way once that he liked a lot (and I loved), he told me recently he never wants to do that again and doesnít want to share me. Heís afraid if I start sleeping with other women I may not want to be with him any more. I love him so much, and I love sex with him, but I canít help the way I feel. Or can I? Is there a way for me to stop wanting to be with other women? Or to make him more willing to enjoy it with me? I thought guys loved the idea of being with two women. And, anyway, isnít there more to marriage than just sex?

Bi Brenda

Stop right there, BB. Put down that issue of Brides magazine. Cancel the hall while you can still get your money back. Youíre nowhere near ready to get marriedóto anyone. Of course marriage is about more than sex, but it is a lot about sex, and if you and your boyfriend are conflicted at this stage about where your sex life is going, that walk down the aisle is going to cause you both a lot more pain than happiness. While a bisexual wife may be some guysí fantasy, obviously your guy doesnít feel that way. Thereís nothing wrong with that; fantasies aside, most folks prefer their spouses to be sexually exclusive. Neither is there anything wrong with your being attracted to other women; we donít get to choose our sexual preferences. The problem is that as long as you each want and need different things neither of you can be happy without hurting the other, which will ultimately make you both miserable.

You need to explore your sexuality in more depth. It isnít fair to you, your boyfriend, or anyone else you may become involved with to make a lifetime commitment until you know yourself better. In my experience, most supposed bisexuals eventually veer off in one direction or another, and you need the chance to see if this happens to you. The rest of your life will be a long time, if youíre lucky, and if youíre going to share any or all of it with someone else, it should be someone who is turned on by whatever your sexuality turns out to be.

 

Iím a relatively new bride of 24. My husband is 27, and weíve been married a year, after dating for two. Heís a loving, thoughtful man, and in many ways the perfect husband, except I canít for the life of me get him to do any housekeeping. Heís willing enough to do the ďmanĒ stuff like taking out the trash, cutting the grass, and shoveling the sidewalkóthe two or three times a year it snows. But Iím left with all the everyday stuff like cleaning, cooking, laundry, and shopping. Iíve tried asking nicely, which had no effect; making chore charts, which he ignored; and for two weeks I stopped doing any housework at all, which left me with a filthy house and an oblivious husbandóhe didnít even notice. I donít want to be a nag, but we both work full-time jobs, and itís not fair that the only way I can have the nice home I want is to do all the work myself. Iím ready for marriage counseling, but that seems like such a drastic step for almost newlyweds. Do you have any ideas?

Cinderella

Itís a horrible fact of lifeóand home sharingóthat the one who cares the most does the most. When one person doesnít notice a filthy bathroom, the one who does cleans it. Itís not right, itís not fair, but if you want to change it, you have to take charge.

I believe in housekeepers. An ounce of prevention, in the cost of someone who comes in once or twice a week to clean, is worth a hell of a lot more than a pound of cure in the cost of arguments, stress, and, eventually, money paid to marriage counselors and/or divorce lawyers.

Do some research: Ask your friends for recommendations or call a service and set up a time for someone to come in. Then tell your husband youíve done it, and that if thereís anything he doesnít want the housekeeper to see, heíd better put it away. Tell him you know he doesnít care as much as you do about the house, so youíre taking the burden off his shoulders and putting it on a professional. Itís OK to ask him to pay or help pay for it, but even if he wonít, what you save in aggravation will be well worth whatever the price.

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Think Mink archives

More from Mink Stole

Pick and Choose (4/12/2006)
First of all, homosexuality isnít like snake handling or Catholicism; it isnít a cult or a religion you can be recruited for or converted to.

Territorial Rites (4/5/2006)

Family Guy (3/15/2006)

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