I’ve been doing my thing as an American and watching The Hurricane on teevee, mostly the CNN and the Fox, and to keep it fair and balanced or whatever, I check out the Weather Channel, where it’s kinda depressing to see the weatherheads end up talking about bodies floating around and stuff. The only thing that cheered me up was the Looting.

The Shooting, now that’s some fucked up shit, but it’s totally like that movie Panic in the Year Zero down there, so I guess you gotta expect The Lawlessness that comes with a, uh, complete and total breakdown of infrastructure or society or something like that, right?

Yeah, I think the cops really need to be looking for people who wanna be rescued instead of having to worry about knuckleheads who are trying to transport a bagful of shoes outta Waterworld, but I guess if The Looting keeps going, then the Looters might start trying to Loot from Each Other, and then it’s like that movie Escape From New York, and pretty soon Isaac Hayes and Harry Dean Stanton are running your life. And Adrienne Barbeau, she was good in that.

Anyway, The Looting brought a smile to my face, because I love that teevee show Supermarket Sweep on the Pax network, which is basically a show where suburban types run around a grocery store and take as much shit as possible without paying for it. C’mon, man, that’s some serious Good Times, and when I saw The Looting start at a grocery store I was all like, Ooh, hells yeah, where’s the canned hams? Or turkeys? Frozen fuckin’ turkeys! Oh, yeah, potable water. OK, look, let’s drink some potable water. Beer? Right on, but first some potable water and then we won’t haveta worry about dehydration, but then we gotta pee where we’re Looting and that’s not very classy, you know?

Sure, it’s real hard-core, all Law-’n’-Order-Frontier-Justice-style to say “All Looters Will Be Shot,” but for fuck’s sake, you’re gonna shoot some lady who has nothing, as in Nothing, but the clothes on her back for grabbin’ some diapers or some portable potable drinking fucking water? You got a sniffer gun that can detect if a Looter has a bagful of Looted food as compared to a bagful of Looted Rolexes? Bullshit on that, seriously. It ain’t worth gunning anybody down because they came out of a Wal-Mart with some hip waders and maybe some canned ravioli with the ez-opening lid.

Man, I wonder what it feels like to walk around with a bagful of Rolexes and some of that expensive beef jerky you can never afford, and you always wind up buying the cheaper kind of jerky and you know goddamn perfectly fucking well it ain’t as good as the more expensiver kind, but you can’t buy the pricey jerky and also afford a can of Fresca to wash it down with? And a $2 scratch-off? That’s gotta feel pretty good, even if you might get shot for it. That would be a fucking score, a bagful of Roli-to-the-Exes, dang.

I kinda think most of the stuff in New Orleans is gonna be completely ruined, but there’s probably a reasonable argument that wet Rolexes are still able to be sold, so you shouldn’t make Loot of them, but if I got enough scratch for a dry Rolex, I’m not paying retail for a goddamn wiped-off one from being wet, you know? So then if I’m the Rolex dealer who’s joint got Looted, how the fuck do I put that on my insurance? I’m gonna want to take the full price, right? Because that’s what that bitch-ass Katrina fucked me out of?

And look, I heard there’s a lotta heroin addicts in New Orleans, so they probably have had an Interruption of Service and have gone batshit looking for some Dope, but I’m confident they saw an Opportunity at the supermarket pharmacies to get ’em all Real Well with some Elvis-grade pharmaceutical action. That would be a blast, to be an unreconstructed Dope Fiend and get a chance to kick down the door to All the Drugs in the World, huh? C’mon, man, seriously, lighten up. Would you want to get your next prescription filled with some previously wet drugs from Katrina? Not me, man, I want nice, dry, never-wiped-off drugs, so I’m not shootin’ anybody for Lootin’ a candy store where they’re never gonna sell the candy, umkay?

I hope somebody in Hollywood will make a movie about junkies cracking open pharmacies during a four-speed hurricane or whatever it was, and I would be totally down in front for a flick like that, but if they do, they need to pay for some better sandbags or a new bridge down there because it wasn’t their idea. It’s, like, I dunno, Public Domain or something, so they should pay the Public.

Seeing people get saved off the tops of their houses and outta cars and stuff has been pretty cool, too, but they ain’t gonna make a movie about that without some Looting in it, you know?

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