Angel or Devil

For the sake of this discussion, AOD, let’s call these parts the upper and lower. Heeding the advice of the upper could send the lower into a major sulk of the you-never-let-me-have-any-fun variety, but letting the lower take the lead could send the upper into a much more complicated and longer funk of the how-did-I-let-myself-get-dragged-into-this-mess variety.

Let’s review. First, realizing it would probably make a difference in how you responded to his e-advances, he did not tell you he was married until after you’d halfway fallen in love with him. We can also pretty safely assume that he has not told his wife he’s writing to you. The translation for “not told” is “lied.” Second, if you really believe that booking separate rooms is going to keep him from trying to share yours, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I can let you have cheap. Third, even supposing that he’d be willing to leave his wife and family to marry you, the you he remembers is a ninth-grade girl. Putting these three things together adds up to his being a definite liar and cheat, and possibly a pedophile. It’s up to you, of course, but if, after this recap of the facts, your lower half wins the argument and you rush off to meet this guy, be prepared for when your upper half starts chanting “I told you so” over and over and over again.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over two years. He’s 26; I’m 25. After we’d been going out a couple of months and we had both pretty much figured out we were ready to be exclusive, I told him I loved him. Instead of saying it back to me like I expected, he said he wanted to say it, but he just wasn’t positive it was true. He said that we hadn’t been together long enough for either of us to really know, so we ended up having a long discussion about the meaning of love and agreed that we would hold off from making the “big declaration.” He said he’d thought he was in love before, and said so, only to regret it later, and he didn’t want that to happen with me. Well, that was nearly two years ago, and he still hasn’t told me he loves me. Now he says he shows me how much he cares by the way he treats me, and he is wonderful to me, but I still want to hear the words. Am I being too needy?

Wanna Hear It

Some people go their whole lives without once being told they are loved. Some of them are even married, have families, and don’t necessarily think of themselves as unhappy. There are also plenty of cold-blooded cynics who treat “I love you” as a sort of magic key to get what they want from their trusting and besotted victims. But for most of us, the most wonderful sound in the world is those three little words spoken from the heart of someone we love. This is not being too needy; this is just being human.

Try introducing the word into your conversation, lightly, without demanding reciprocity. Say “I love those jeans on you” or “I loved that movie,” or, in your more intimate moments, “I love the way you do that.” Taking some of the weight off the words and showing him that you’re not afraid to say them might help him overcome his resistance. However, there are some people who are just plain L-word phobic, and if your boyfriend, for whatever reason, is one of them, you may have to decide whether his actions speak as softly and tenderly as the words you’re not hearing. H

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