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Run Away

By Mink Stole | Posted 9/21/2005

How can you tell when a guy isnít ever going to want to sleep with you? Iím 28, fairly attractive, fairly successful, and Iím used to guys who want to hop into bed on a first date, but I just spent the last three months on a guy I never got to first base with. I met him at a friendís party, and I asked him out the first time, then he asked me the second. He was fun, and I liked it that he didnít try to jump me right away. But after our sixth date he still hadnít even kissed me. He hadnít set off any ďgayĒ alarms, and he wasnít religious, so I figured he was shy. To make things easy for him, at the end of our next date I tried to kiss him goodnight. He recoiled like I was about to slap him. Then he apologized and told me that he really liked me but he was asexual and couldnít respond to me physically. I didnít know what to say, so I said, ďOK,Ē but I was so mortified that the two times he called after that I said I was too busy to see him. I never want to go through that again. Is there a way to tell when someone just doesnít like sex before I make a fool of myself?

Not a Nun

Ah, sex, NAN. Women want it, men want it, everybody wants it. After basic survival, itís our strongest need. Some sublimate it, some choose celibacy, some repress it, some pay for it, some have it alone, some have needs that are out-of-sync with the rest of the world and what the rest of the world would think of as acceptable, some are deeply disturbed by or ashamed of their sexual cravings, and a lucky few are completely un-hung-up and totally fulfilled, but everyone, with the possible exception of some physically or physiologically deficient unfortunates, is turned on by something. This guy either hasnít found it or hasnít admitted it yet, at least to you and maybe even to himself, but the fact that he doesnít want sex with a normal, healthy, attractive, and consenting adult female doesnít mean he is truly asexual. It does mean he is not the guy for you.

Next time donít wait so long. Some guys do need a bit of encouragement, so if youíre on a second date with a guy who hasnít made a move, kiss him goodnight. You donít have to shove your tongue down his throat; a peck on the lips is all a man who wishes to pursue you really needs, without undue risk to your virtue or either of your egos. If he acts like he likes it, yay! If he acts like heíd rather drink Drano than kiss you back, big drag. But at least youíll know, without wasting months of valuable dating time.

Iím 25 and divorced for two years after being married for one. Seven months ago I met Pete, the man of my dreams. Good-looking, smart, charming, funny, good job, nice car, treated me with exactly the right combination of respect and lust. When he asked me to marry him I thought I was the luckiest gal in the world. But now that Iíve got the ring on my finger, things have started to change. Before, he was fine with my spending time with other friends; now he complains if I go to a movie or have lunch with a gal pal. Heís annoyed if I stay late at work, and will call my office to make sure Iím really there. He actually said once that I should either be home by myself or with him. When I told him my friends were important and I wasnít about to give them up, he threatened to call off the wedding. I got really upset and he said he was sorry, that, of course, I should see my friends, that he admires my independence, itís just that he loves me so much he hates to share me. I love him a lot, I donít want to lose him, and heís never really abusive, but I donít know how to deal with this possessiveness.

Flustered Fiancťe

There are a couple of ways to approach this, FF: the first is to run like hell as fast and as far away from this guy as you can. Either give back the ring or use it to pay your airfare, but fly, fly away. His wanting to isolate you from your friends is an early warning sign of very serious trouble. Thatís what cult leaders do to keep their followers in line. They also claim itís for love. They also threaten banishment for disobedience. This guy may be content with having a cult following of oneóyouóbut that doesnít make his need to control it any less frightening.

If you think Iím overreacting, at the very least insist on getting some pre-marital counseling. If heís willing to work with you, thereís hope. If he refuses, there probably isnít. It may seem unromantic, but so is a miserable marriage, and itís better to face this issue head on now before your dream man turns your life into a wide-awake nightmare.

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More from Mink Stole

Pick and Choose (4/12/2006)
First of all, homosexuality isnít like snake handling or Catholicism; it isnít a cult or a religion you can be recruited for or converted to.

Territorial Rites (4/5/2006)

Family Guy (3/15/2006)

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