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I’m a 26-year-old single man who can’t get his high-school sweetheart out of his mind. Carol and I went together for four years, but after we went off to different colleges we found that it was too hard to maintain the relationship long distance and get decent grades, so we broke up. I met another woman when I was a sophomore and we were together for a few years, but I could never fully commit to her and she finally got tired of waiting for me to tell her I loved her and left me. I’ve dated a couple of women since then but can’t seem to get serious about anyone. My college girlfriend accused me of still being in love with Carol, and I’m beginning to realize she’s right. I compare every woman I meet with her, and Carol comes out ahead every time. I haven’t seen or talked to Carol for years, but I know she’s not married, and she lives only about a half-hour from me. I can’t stop thinking about her. Would it be ridiculous of me to drop by to see her? Maybe with candy and flowers? I really want to, but I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

Torchbearing Tim

The woman who wouldn’t be flattered by the reappearance of a still-smitten former sweetheart is a woman I’ve never met, TT. But showing up unannounced on her doorstep, with or without flowers and candy, is a horrible idea. You’d be all slicked up and ready to make a good new impression, but if she’s not expecting company, she likely wouldn’t be. If you caught her in a less than camera-ready moment, she might be more embarrassed and annoyed than pleased to see you. Not the greatest way to start things off.

Call her. Somebody you know has her phone number. Keep it light, though; pouring out your heart and soul to her in your initial conversation could make you sound more like a stalker than a suitor. Just tell her you’ve been thinking about her and would like to see her. If for any reason she doesn’t want to, if would be far less embarrassing for you both to deal with it in a phone call. But if she’s glad to hear from you, she’ll also be glad to have the chance to doll up for your first meeting. Try to keep your expectations under control. You’re remembering high-school Carol; you’ll be having dinner with someone a few years older and perhaps a little changed by experience. And so, for that matter, will she.

I have a great new girlfriend, and we’re crazy about each other. We met at a mutual friend’s party three months ago and have been nearly inseparable ever since. We’re talking about getting a place together but don’t want to jinx things by moving too fast. The only real problem we have is that before she met me she had been seeing another guy kind of casually for a few weeks. She liked him, but she says they never slept together because they never got to that stage. Then she met me. She told him about me, and thought he was OK with it because they were just friends. Of course, as soon as she started being with me, he started coming on real strong, calling her all the time, telling her how beautiful and sexy she was, hugging her really close whenever he saw her, even when we were together. I told her he was trying to get her back, but she insisted he was harmless and this was just his way of dealing with the change in their relationship. It bothered the hell out of me, though. She finally stopped taking his calls, but only because I kept asking her. She says she is tired of fighting with me about it. Now I feel like a bully, but I hated the way he wouldn’t leave her alone. Was I wrong? Should I apologize?

Worried Guy

There are some people, WG, who can only want what other people have. Some are too insecure to commit without knowing somebody else would, some need the challenge of a rival, and for some it’s all about spoiling other people’s happiness. And for some it’s a possessiveness that refuses to face reality. Whether this guy is one of these, has some other problem, or is just regretting not having made his move sooner, he was deliberately and definitely trying to cut you out. Objecting to some guy blatantly coming on to your girlfriend is not bullying. Believe me, your girlfriend wouldn’t be so la-de-da if some previously platonic gal pal of yours started shaking her booty all up in your face.

But it’s time to let it go. Now that the issue is resolved, any further discussion is pointless. If you’re still feeling a little weird, though, you might want to do something especially nice to show her how much you appreciate her, which will also subtly remind her that she made the right choice.

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