Loving Lesbian

While there are some who frown upon all PDAs, LL, whether gay or straight, for most of us it’s a matter of degree. We think seeing a couple holding hands, or exchanging a brief, affectionate peck on the lips is sweet in the same way puppies and babies are sweet: We approve because it makes us feel good. However, should that affectionate public peck intensify to the kind of open-mouthed, slobbery tongue dancing that seems destined to result in actual sex, we get squeamish and offended. An arm around the shoulder is fine, but if the hand at the end of that arm is fondling a breast, that is not fine. A quick pat on the butt is probably fine, but groping is definitely a no-no. We want to know you like each other, but we don’t want the details.

You mom may be overreacting a little, but gay and lesbian couples do have to be more circumspect in their behavior, in the same way that interracial couples still do, because, even though tolerance is increasing, there will always be those who are incapable of tolerating anything that doesn’t conform to their rigid standards of normal and natural. While most of these people are not violent, some are, so it’s a good idea to keep your hands to yourself whenever you’re in unfamiliar territory. On safe turf, though, as long as you keep your public displays firmly in the realm of affection, without crossing the line into foreplay, the only people who should get upset are those miserable souls who just can’t stand to see anyone else be happy.

They say there’s no fool like an old fool, and I’m sure they’re right. The problem is I’m just not sure which kind of fool I am. I’m a single woman in my late 40s, but I’m in good shape and can pass for younger. A couple of years ago a much younger (he’s 35) man came to work at my firm. I was instantly attracted to him, but I was determined to keep my attitude professional. I kept this up for more than a year, until one day he arrived early for a meeting and found me crying because the son of a dear friend had been killed in a car accident. Without realizing what I was doing I let him put his arms around me to comfort me. It was perfectly chaste, but after that he began dropping by my office every day to say hello, which led to our having lunch together at least a couple times a week. People at the office started teasing us about being a couple, but we never saw each other after hours. I wanted to but never had the nerve to suggest it. Then a few weeks ago he got back together with his ex-girlfriend. He’s still friendly, but we haven’t had lunch together for two weeks. So, was I a fool to let the opportunity to get closer to him pass me by, or was I a fool to think the opportunity ever existed?

Fool for Love

There’s nothing foolish about finding a man attractive and enjoying every minute you spend with him. And there’s nothing foolish about the sadness you feel when you realize that the friendship you’ve got with him, which you wished and hoped might develop into something more, starts going in the opposite direction.

There may or may not have been an opportunity to get closer, but it wasn’t just up to you; there were two of you at that lunch table. Obviously he liked you. A guy doesn’t spend that much time with a woman he doesn’t like no matter how sympathetic he is, but if he had wanted to see you after office hours, he had as many chances as you did to make that happen. He probably feels enough attraction to you that now that he’s back with his girlfriend he’s less comfortable spending time with you, but that could also be because he’s more aware than you think of how you feel about him. If you want to ask him why he’s more distant now, that’s OK; you have a right to talk about it. But keep it light and friendly. Right now you only feel like a fool, and you don’t actually want to make one of yourself.

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