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Gritting My Teeth

Although I have a strong feeling that you’d feel less insulted on your boyfriend’s behalf if you had been included in the invitation, GMT, it is generally considered tacky to issue belated invitations to any function based on someone else’s inability to attend. But to cut the groom a little slack, a lot of guys are clueless about the finer points of polite behavior, and he may have thought it would be even more rude not to invite his office buddies once he knew he could. He may have been really happy that some obligatory invitees canceled. And we don’t know how the guest list was compiled in the first place. If the bride’s parents are paying for the whole shebang, they might have demanded more than their share of available seats, or they might have asked him to keep his list short to keep costs down. And, yes, usually wives, spouses, and significant others are included in wedding invitations. But this wasn’t a traditional invitation, and if all six co-workers brought guests, that would mean an overflow of six. An alternative would have been for this guy to invite three of his co-workers with their plus-ones, but that might have made things uncomfortable at work. Or he might have been smarter not to invite any of them.

However awkwardly the situation has been handled so far, though, now that your BF has accepted the invitation, it’s up to you to accept the situation. Since he knows you’re unhappy about it, you might try negotiating a special night out for the two of you as compensation, but once that’s done drop it. You may be right on all counts, but a one-time deal like this is not worth fighting about.

After a few years in a very unhappy marriage, I left my husband to raise our children on my own. I’m extremely proud of both my kids; my son is doing well in college and my daughter is married to a great guy. She’s pregnant now with my first grandson, due in April, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. My ex-husband is excited, too. He and the woman he has lived with for five years are making plans to visit soon after the birth. Now that I’m not married to the man, I get along with him pretty well. And I normally have no problems with his lady friend, but my daughter told me they’ve taken to referring to themselves as “grandma and granddad.” Well, obviously my ex-husband will be the baby’s grandfather, but I don’t feel like this woman has any right to call herself grandma. Should I say something to her? Should I say something to my daughter?

I’m the Grandma

In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare wrote, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.” No matter what he calls you, ITG, you are this baby’s grandmother, and no one can take that away from you. And no matter what this woman calls herself, she isn’t even his legal step-grandmother, and she knows it. But as long as she’s a part of your ex-husband’s life, it’s natural she wants to share the grandparenting experience with him. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; no baby was ever hurt by too many people loving him. Many babies, however, have been hurt badly by people fighting over them.

I agree, though, that the baby has to call everyone by some name, and by rights you should get first pick. Talk to your daughter, and without pitching a hissy fit, suggest that it might be less confusing for the little one if he calls you “grandma” and your ex-husband’s girlfriend by her first name or some baby-sized variation thereof. If she agrees, she could phone them and ask the lady for ideas. If your daughter doesn’t want to get in the middle of it, call the lady friend. But instead of accusing her of trying to take what she hasn’t earned, approach her with the same let’s-not-confuse-the-baby reasoning, and if you need to, add that you’ve been looking forward to being “grandma” for a long time. If the woman has any brains or sense, she’ll take the hint.

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