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Mr. Wrong

Cuter Than a Chinese Economy

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 1/4/2006

Hey, did you hear about the inverted thing or whatever thatís supposed to mean thereís some sorta bad juju ahead for the economy? Itís a curve or a chart or a graph about how thereís stuff that they (and you know who They are) report alla time on the radio about the Leading Economic Indicators or some sorta 30-day T-Bill-Bond-Note-Stock-Share-Dividend or Housing Starts or the Euro or the Dollar or the Chinese Yuan or Interest on the 90-Day Consumer Price Index of Short-Term Interest Rates of the Trade Deficit or Budget Surplus or Price Per Barrel of Sweet, Sweet Crude Oil or Dow Jones Industrials or NASDAC or NASCAR or Long-Term Interest Rates or Housing Bubble of Real Estate or S&P 500 or Andre 3000 or Supply of M2?

Em-fucking-two? Wha? That used to be a pretty good cable teevee channel because all they did was show music videos 24-7, but now they have ďprogrammingĒ or something, so it ainít so great anymore. But anyway, let me say right up front for starters as the appetizer, if you will, to your big, steaming main course of this weekís column (which runs every other week in case you were looking at this last week and donít remember seeing it), let me go right ahead and iterate what I havenít reiterated yet, which is to say: Huh?

Whatís with all the news about the economy? What the fuck am I supposed to do about the Economy except try and Get Paid? Stop telling me thereís a Yield of Inverted Curves and how Unusual that is or how Bad that is, because it already happened, j-hole. Quit making me tense with all these goddamn Portents, seriously. All these stupid fucking News Reports about how itís the goddamn fucking shit Economy, stupid, are worse than the fucking teevee news weather reports, seriously, except at least on the motherfucking teevee news, they take a shot at whatís gonna happen Tomorrow.

Yeah, the teevee weather-freaks will at least say, ďYes, thatís right, thereís a high-pressure thing with one of those low-pressure occluded triangle deals next to it that Iím pretending to point to behind me here, in a meteorological manner, even though I really am standing in front of a green wall and looking at myself on a little teevee in the television studio because I am Highly Interested in Myself and thatís why I am on teevee, so you can be Interested in Me also while I blurble on with some junkŻabout the barometric pressure of millibars and my dew point, so the AccuTasmNewsTastic 48-Hour Forecast thatís So Good It Eats Like a Fivecast says: The suníll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar, or at least a 90 percent probability, umkay?Ē

None of these crappy little news reports about the Yielding Economy Curve will tell me if I need to go out and get a part-time job, you know? I mean, the Inverted Indicator is Upside-Down or whatever? Yeah? And? Help me the fuck out here, moneyfuckers. So youíre saying something might be bad about that, and so I should do what, exactly? At least the goddamn weather-bunny on the teevee told me to take an umbrella for the shit that will 80-percent-probability-of-precipitation be falling outta the sky tomorrow, you know?

Plus, vis-ŗ-vis the Stupid Economy, everybodyís bitching about all the stuff they make in China and sell at the Wal-Mart because itís like, hey, all those rednecks or whatever go to Wal-Mart and buy stuff, but I bet they donít like China too much, or foreigners, but they go to that Wal-Mart and buy stuff cheap. Hey, I buy stuff at Wal-Mart, and Wal-Mart is Bad, personally, I think, in one respectóspecifically, I heard on the radio that a whole bunch of Wal-Martians hadda sue in a Court of Law to get a half-hour unpaid lunch break if they worked a six-hour stretch. But on the other hand, they (and I have lost track of who They are at this point) make stuff in China and sell it pretty much goddamn fucking everywhere, like Target, for instance, and most people donít think Target is too bad, except for people who Hate on the French, because I think Target is from French-stinia or whatever. And not just because people always think itís so funny to say Tar-jay instead of ďTar-git,Ē so letís quit doing that, at least, for the Economyís sake. ďTar-jay,Ē Har-de-fucking-har.

Anyway, everybody always talks about the stupid Economy, but nobody does anything about it except for that guy who used to jerk the Interest Rate up and down, but he got assassinated or something, I think, right? Beyond that, I donít think thereís one goddamn thing you can do about it, and I donít freak about how GM is going outta business and Toyota is the No. 1 auto producer and all the teevees are made in China, so quit telling me about the Economy and help me Learn Chinese, motherfucker.

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