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My boyfriend smokes pot. I know to lots of people this is no big deal, and it’s uncool to complain about it, but it bothers me. It’s not like he’s drugged out—he’s really smart and aware, he’ll graduate from college this year in the top 10 percent of his class, and he’s already been accepted into a top graduate school to get his master’s degree in computer engineering—but he does like to smoke every day. He says it relaxes him and makes him think better. He’s aware of how I feel, and doesn’t do it when I’m with him, but he insists it’s no worse for him physically than drinking beer would be. And, since it’s not having any negative effect on his life, he says he’s not going to stop. I worry about the long-term effects it will have on his mind, and I also worry that he could get in trouble with the law and ruin his future. I really care about him, but this is becoming a big issue between us. Do you think I should tell him it’s either the grass or me?

Mary Jane Blues

If I were God, MJB, marijuana would be legal. I’d put the same kinds of age and use restrictions we have on alcohol and tobacco, but make it so that if a grown-up person wanted to smoke a little relaxing wacky weed in her own home, she could do so as freely as she could have a glass of wine or a Marlboro. Many states have decriminalized it, and doctors nationwide do or want to prescribe it to combat pain and nausea in cancer and AIDS patients, but, in its infinite hypocrisy, even though our president has come closer to admitting he smoked pot than to admitting he knew there were no WMDs in Iraq, the federal government refuses to legalize it.

But I’m not God, and even if you are acting like a sanctimonious twit, the truth is your boyfriend is taking some risks: possibly health, definitely legal. But these are risks he’s willing to take. Unless you’re willing to take the risk of having your ultimatum backfire, don’t do it. If you can’t accept his pot smoking, that’s your right, and you have the right to leave. But you don’t have the right to dictate how he lives. Before you do something you might regret, open your mind and do some research: RŽad the government’s argument at www.usdoj.gov/dea/ongoing/marijuana.html, then clear your brain and go to www.norml.org, for the other side.

I have recently gotten engaged to the most wonderful man. The way he asked me to marry him was so romantic; first he brought me flowers, then he took me to dinner at a lovely restaurant. By the time we got back to my apartment I kind of had it figured out, but when he actually went down on one knee I was so excited and nervous I started to cry. Then he handed me his dead mother’s engagement ring; I was stunned speechless. He was so proud of it that I just couldn’t tell him how ugly it is. I pulled myself together enough to say yes, because I love him very much and I want to marry him, but I hate the ring. It does have a nice stone, but the setting is very ornate and outdated. It’s too big for my finger, so I told him I can’t wear it until I can have it sized, but I can’t stall forever. His mother died when he was just a child, and the ring has huge sentimental value for him. I also know it symbolizes his love and our commitment, and for those reasons I cherish it, but I still don’t want to wear it. Am I too shallow to live? Am I just a horrible bitch? How can I handle this?

Want My Own Ring

You may be a wee bit shallow, WMOR, but you’re not really a bitch; a bitch wouldn’t give a flying fuck about her fiancé’s feelings; you’re just upset that the aesthetic value of the ring doesn’t match its sentimental value. But you are the one who has to wear the ring—for the rest of your life if you’re lucky— so you have the right to some input. Before you make any decisions, though, try wearing it as is for a while; it may grow on you once your intitial disappointment wears off. But if you just can’t learn to love it, a little sugarcoated honesty is the best way to go. Talk to your jeweler first about having the setting modernized or the stone reset. Then tell your fiancé everything you told me—except, instead of saying the ring is ugly, say it doesn’t suit you. Then ask if he would mind terribly if you made it more your own. Tell him that redesigning the ring would only add to its sentimental value, because not only would it be honoring his mother’s memory, it would also be symbolizing the new commitment the two of you are making to each other. Marriage is full of compromises, so consider this a practice run. If you can work this one out, you’re on the right track.

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