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Mr. Wrong


Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/1/2006

Yesss! It’s the most Roman-numeral time of year! Super Bowl! Arroooo! Are you gonna watch Super Bowl? I love Super Bowl. Did you know that? Careful readers of this column (har!) may remember that most of the time I have No Idea which teams are playing in Super Bowl, my Super Bowl.

OK, most of the time I have No Idea about a wide-ranging variety of subjects, so I would have to say I don’t know less (in the not-knowing-anything-about-anything Tao of Wrong) about Super Bowl than most Important things I Don’t Know about, like when taxes are due, or who, like, the Speaker of the United States House of Representatives is, or something boring like that, because c’mon, it’s Super Bowl! Aiieee!

Pittsburgh. Yes, Pittsburgh is a team that is playing in this year’s Über Bowl of Superness, which is Romanly enumerated as “XL,” which is to say 40, in your Hindu-Arabic, and you know, if they (and I don’t care who They are this week because it’s Super Bowl, man, whuhuhuhuh-rooo!) really wanted to take that whole “Freedom Fries” crap to the Logical Extreme, we should all be on the Roman Numeral system right now, right? I mean, the Frenchies aren’t The Enemy, right? It’s more like they just aren’t really ever knocking themselves out to be our Friends so much, that’s all. Go on, look at History or something like that and tell me if I’m right, because I’m too busy wondering what I’m gonna eat while I’m sitting on a comfy chair someplace watching Super Bowl. Super Bowl! Whaaaahahahaha!

I lose track of this stuff because I’m busy admiring the Roman Efficiency of “XL” vs. “XXXX,” Super Bowl-wise, but look, wasn’t there something on The News recently (by which I mean in the past year or two) about how the Frenchies want to nuke Iran or something? Isn’t that good? Isn’t Iran the Enemy? Aren’t we friends with whoever is the Enemy of our Enemy? Whomever? Hah?

Whatever, it’s Super Bowl, man, Super Bowl! Ayiyiyiyiyiiiii! So hey, why are we using Hindu-Arabic, man? Where’s our Hindu-Freedomic numeral system? Freedom-Freedomic? I like french fries.

Look, Super Bowl is a time of eating and gambling and drinking beer and sloth, and it is the Greatest National Holiday of all, so it should be a Time of Year when people of all races, creeds, and colors (that’s everything, right?) get together in a celebration of eating, gambling, and beer. And football, yeah, sure.

Do you have your initials (or, um, many sets of your initials) in one of those little square-grid low-stakes wagering schemes? You know, the kind where you pick a square and then random numbers are assigned to the grid-coordinates so you will be compelled to care what the score is during Super Bowl? That’s my favorite way to wager on Super Bowl, seriously, because it doesn’t matter who’s winning or who’s playing, man—all that matters is what the Score is. For instance, if I pulled the intersection of “Pittsburgh-7” and “Other Team the Name of Which I forget-3” in my square, I would be screaming or weeping or petitioning Cthulhu with prayer for assistance to make sure the last digit of the score at the end of any given quarter of My Friend Super Bowl was something to the tune of Pittsburgh 7 and The Other Super Bowl Team 23, or like that, and then I would holler, “Ooogh! Me Win Super Bowl Pool! Whoooooaarrrgh! Super Bowl!”

You know what? That’s why we’re still on the Hindu-Arabic Numeral System, man, because of Super Bowl, the most American of American days, because if We the People were on Roman Numeral, the little Super Bowl grid-sheets would be too hard to read after your umpteenth Coors Light or whatever. I mean, how you gonna root for “II,” when it kinda looks like “III”? And how do you pronounce “IV” anyway? OK, it’s just a theory, I’m working on it, but it will have to wait until after Super Bowl. Burrraaap! Eeeheeeheee! I hope there’s some new flavors of delicious junk food available in my Grocer’s Junk Food Aisle this week. Urrlph!

Hey, have you seen those posters up on boarded-up buildings that have everybody bets on the super bowl on ’em? That’s kinda odd, I think, since gambling on sports is against the law somehow, right? Unless you’re in New Jersey or Nevada or on an Indian Reservation? Anyway, it must be OK, otherwise there wouldn’t be posters for it, so I’m ready to get a bet down right now on the World Wide Web, to further enhance my Super Bowl experience, even though I’m kinda worried about The Enemy attacking while everybody is looking at their little grid-squares thing, but I know the best time for an attack would be the day after Super Bowl, right?

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