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Curious Carla

While I understand your desire not to be duped by a frog in prince clothing, CC, I’ve got to say ix-nay on asking the estion-quay. Here’s why: If your guy is like a lot of other guys, no matter how noninvasive you try to be, he will not hear a simple request for information; what he will hear is, “Are you going to marry me?” And in an instant you’re transformed from best-he’s-ever-dated gal into wedding-wanting scary gal. Then, if he backs away, you’ll be convinced you’ve just been frog-kissed again. You’ve only been dating two months—give the guy a chance. Instead of trying to have a talk, watch how he acts. Do you see him on weekends? Can you call him at home? Have you met his friends? Has he met your friends? If so, did he act proud of you? Does he volunteer information about what he’s up to when he’s not with you? Does he call when he says he will? Or, if you suggest seeing a movie next week, is he evasive? Does he say he’s already seen it but won’t say when or with whom? Do you always get his voice mail when you call him? Is sex the only thing you ever do together? If you can answer yes to the first seven and no to the last four, it looks good. If the opposite is true, run, baby, run—his warts are showing.

There is one scenario where a discussion of exclusivity would not only be appropriate, but also obligatory, and that is if he or you wanted to stop using condoms. It’s still the same basic conversation, but when you take it out of the clingy woman I-wear-a-size-eight-engagement-ring context and put it in the strong woman I-have-to-protect-my-health context, you’re a lot more likely to get honest answers and a lot less likely to scare him away.

I have been casually dating (and spending the night with) a man for more than two years. Marvin is nearing 50. Twice when I’ve been with him, he wet the bed. Once it was on a bed that was protected, so no harm was done. Once it was my bed, which does not have waterproof protection. When we realized the accident had occurred, he said, “Oh, sorry.” Then he made a comment that the incident didn’t bode well for the coming years. After removing the sheet, there was clearly a very wet spot on the bed. I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I didn’t make a big deal out of it. Should he have offered to pay for a new mattress? We are both financially comfortable. Is he just a clueless guy who thought it would dry out, with no harm done? He hasn’t inquired about the mattress since the incident two weeks ago.

Damp Diane

There are a few possible reasons he didn’t offer, DD. One, he was too embarrassed; two, he either believes or knows from experience that the mattress can be cleaned; three, he’s a cheap bastard; or four, he figures that by welcoming him into your bed you were accepting a known risk. He’s certainly not clueless. Bedwetting, or nocturnal enuresis, affects 1 percent of the adult population, enough that there’s a whole industry built around it—padded panties, adult diapers, even bedwetting alarms—but it’s not something we automatically protect ourselves from unless it has taken us by surprise a couple of times. In other words, he’s seen a wet mattress before.

So the question really is, what do you do now? If you haven’t already trashed this mattress, try cleaning it. I checked the internet, and there are dozens of products that swear they can unstink anything; if one of them works, maybe you don’t need a new mattress. If nothing works, or if you’re too creeped out to keep this one, then what you do after that depends (no pun intended) on how you feel about Marvin. If you want to keep on sleeping with him, you could buy yourself a new mattress, put a special grown-up wee-wee pad on it, and either not mention it or let him know it’s all OK and under control. Or you could buy yourself a new mattress and toss Marvin out with the old one. Basically, your choice is between an empty bed or a dry one. H

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