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Mr. Wrong

Dress for Success

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 3/1/2006

So what’s the big deal with these ports, anyway? I mean, OK, they (and you know who They are) wanna let some Foreign guys from Dubai run the ports where all the Stuff comes in, right? Dubai? I always thought Dubai was a country, but I Googled on it, and according to the Central Intelligence Association of America or whatever—the CIA, if you will—Dubai is a city or fort or maybe even port, I dunno, in this country called the United Arab Emirates. I’m really not so far into this thing that I wanna Google-out what an “emirate” is, but I figure it’s gotta be like a “kingdom” or some other quaint term for a country ruled with an iron fist wrapped in a sandy, oily-dripping glove, yes?

OK, so, according to my bestest new Internet Friend, the CIA, Dubai (which is right near Saudi Arabia) is in the United Arab Emirates, which for fun you should call “Al Imarat al Arabiyah al Muttahidah,” because that’s what they (and by “They” I mean Them, umkay?) call it Over There, but you can also call it the UAE, but if I hear “UAE” on the radio or whatever I’m all, Huh-wha? The United Autoworkers are taking over the ports? But anyway, that’s my stuff, don’t worry about it, just go right ahead and start worrying about Dubai and they got so much oil they gonna Buy the World, and what’s up when these Emirates take over the Ports, right? Because then we’re all doomed, yes? It’s gonna be, like, boxes full of al-Qaida guys emptied out all over the streets of our city, and there’s gonna be anthrax dust inside some of the big giant containers, and Dirty Atomic Bombs stuck in there with more Inexpensive Consumer Goods for the Wal-Mart, right?

I mean, I don’t know, do you? Do you really Know exactly What the Fuck Is Going On with this Port thing? You know Why these guys wanna do business with us, as in U.S.? I mean, I think I know, but I really don’t know, you know? Do you? Know? Really? Is it all about Rich guys running the Planet, is that it? Or is it because there’s foreigners, like the ones who are running the ports now, right? And then there’s Foreigners, like the ones who wanna run the Ports? Seriously, is that it? I mean, I typed “who is running the ports now” into my Google and I got an article in the Sydney Morning Herald, which is in Australia, about the Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Co., run by Britons from Britain, now is gonna be run by Arabs from Dubai, baby, and that’s why alla sudden Arabs are gonna be running the Ports. Is that Bad? Are we gonna look for somebody else to run the Ports? Who else can do it? Maybe that Halliburton company can do it?

It’s just business, right? I mean, there’s Stuff, like cars and wheat and iPods and oil, and it gets shipped around in boats because it’s Good to Trade with your neighbors, right? That’s what makes an Economy, the flow of goods or whatever? The Stuff Must Flow, yes? We don’t think the guys in Dubai want our Stuff to flow? Or do we think the Enemy wants to Stuff something bad in our Porthole?

We already do lotsa business with the Saudi Arabians, right, like, oil? I saw that Michael Moore movie where President Bush 41 was all friendly with some guys wearing Bishts, which, according to my newer-than-the-CIA friends at Yahoo! store, is a garment worn by “imams, khateebs, and sheikhs.” So I think if I win the “Powerball” or even the “$20 Million Mania” scratch-off, I’m gonna start rocking a Bisht, unless that’s, like, blasphemous or something, in which case I would opt for the Thobe, because my newest internet Friends at posted an Arabic Proverb, to wit: “Eat whatever you like, but dress as others do.” I’m halfway there, in re: eating what I like, so I would imagine “Others” in this case are guys like Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem, who sports a Thobe and runs the company that’s gonna run the company that’s gonna run the Ports. I think I will maybe rock what the helpful people at describe as “A loose, long-sleeved, ankle-length garment. Summer Thobes are white and made of cotton, and winter Thobes can be darker and made of wool,” plus a Tagiyah, a Ghutra, and an Agal.

I recommend you check ’em out, men’s fashionwise, because I think it’s gonna be a big trend, but I’m totally going with the Summer Thobe, man, because I got no plans to live in Cold Weather after I cash that check from the scratch-offs, see? I’m going strictly Desert Power, like maybe New Mexico or Utah, basically as far away from the Ports as possible, dig?

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