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Youth Movement

By Mink Stole | Posted 3/8/2006

After being miserable for 15 of the 18 years of my marriage, I finally filed for divorce and got my husband to move out. I felt strong for a while, but then I met Adam, and now Iím a total wreck. Adam is gorgeous, charming, funny, sexy, and 28. Iím 42. We met at my gym, and when he came on to me I was flattered beyond belief. I deluded myself into thinking that a quick fling with a hot young stud was just what I needed to put my marriage behind me, but I have fallen hopelessly in love with him. Heís made no secret of the fact that he is not in love with me, that at any time he may or may not be seeing other (also older) women, and if I canít deal with that heíll leave me. He calls me frequently, and comes over for truly amazing sex a couple of times a week, but it always has to be his idea, and itís almost always at the last minute because he hates to make plans. When Iím with him I feel so alive, so vital, so sexy and powerful, but between times Iím completely depressed and anxious, holding my breath until he calls again. I know I canít go on like this, but the thought of never seeing him again is too painful to bear.

An Old Fool

Youth, beauty, and sex is a heady combination, AOF, and youíre hardly the first to come under the spell. Think Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary, Demi Moore, every middle-aged man with a trophy wife. Self-immolation by otherwise perfectly bright, perfectly sane humans on the altar of smooth, young flesh has been with us forever. You are not ďin loveĒ with Adam; you are bewitched, besotted, and addicted, but no more genuinely ďin loveĒ than a junkie is with his heroin, or a wino with that screw-top bottle of Thunderbird in a brown paper bag heís holding so close to his heart.

The most likely outcome is that eventually Adam will break this spell himself, either by doing something so stupid or cruel that it will repel even you, or heíll tire of toying with you and wander off in search of fresh prey. Your pride and dignity would be better served if you could call it off yourself, but every minute you have spent waiting for him has depleted your stores of both, and it will take strength to make the break. Ask your friends for help, or find a counselor to help you through the worst part. You can and will recover, though, and eventually youíll put Adam in his proper place, in the I-was-temporarily-insane-but-it-was-a-wild-ride chapter of your autobiography.

 

My husbandís family on the whole is wonderful, but he has one brother I could just strangle. Bob had been dating a really sweet girl for three years, and when Amy got pregnant it looked like they were finally going to get married. I planned a big baby shower and invited all her friends and family, including my mother-in-law, who was thrilled at the prospect of a new grandchild. Then my absolutely-less-than-fabulous brother-in-law decided that not only did he not want to get married, he didnít want anything to do with the baby. He says heíll pay child support, but beyond that Amy and the baby are on their own. Now my husbandís questioning whether or not itís appropriate for me to go ahead with the shower. He thinks it could be really embarrassing for her to have to admit to everyone that sheís been dumped by the hostessí brother-in-law, especially if his mother is there. I think she needs the support of her friends, not to mention the baby equipment and clothing sheíll get as gifts, even more now. My mother-in-law doesnít know what to do either. What do you think?

On Amyís Side

Of course you should hold the shower. For one thing, you already offered, and reneging would be the worst kind of tacky; for another, by the day of the event Amyís single status will be old news to everyone; and for one more, itís about the baby, not the father. That kidís en route, and even if the father wants no part of him/her, the mother needs to know that the rest of her world is there for her, bearing their much-needed offerings of bassinets, car seats, strollers, onesies, baby wipes, Pampers, toys, bottles, and as much else of what a new mother has to acquire as they can carry. Your husband is just projecting his own embarrassment on Amy.

Youíre angry, but in awkward family situations, taking sides is often not such a great idea. Iím not defending Bob, but if he keeps his promise to pay support, he might be doing everyone a bigger favor by bowing out than he would be by agreeing to a marriage he doesnít want. If your mother-in-law wants to be a part of this babyís life, going to the shower would be a lovely gesture; otherwise, it might seem like sheís taking sides, too. None of this is the babyís fault, and it wonít be doing little him/her any favors to tell little him/her from day one that little his/her daddyís a bastard.

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More from Mink Stole

Pick and Choose (4/12/2006)
First of all, homosexuality isnít like snake handling or Catholicism; it isnít a cult or a religion you can be recruited for or converted to.

Territorial Rites (4/5/2006)

Family Guy (3/15/2006)

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