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Mr. Wrong

The Current of Events

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 3/15/2006

Jeez, seriously, whatís up with all the current events, huh? I mean, I know how to read and everything, and I certainly do enjoy to keep abreast of the Current Events because, you know, I believe it is Important to know whatís going on in, like, The World and stuff, but it seems like you almost donít have to actually know anythingócurrently, I meanóon account of it is the same events over and over and overandover again. You know, like about The Enemy, blah blah blah, and how a lot of people are disagreeing about the War on Freedom, blah blah, and if blah-blah Other Countries should be allowed to have Energy Sources of Mass Destruction, and thereís a Dead blah blah Bird, or sometimes even a blah fucking cat, even, in some Foreign blah blah Country that is hosting the 2006 Transmutating Pandemical Pest-Olympics, and blah blah blah itís not exactly Cold and Flu Season, but thereís gonna be the most kick-ass Blah and Blah-kinda Season heading our way, so people better recognize, and whatís up with the Weather, or the Climate, if you will, blah blah blah, with the Heat, or the Wet, then thereís like, hey, who took some money and put it someplace to clean it, politically blah blah blah, and who took a leak out of the blah blah White House after They (and at this point sometimes even They donít know who They are) tried to Do Something that really wasnít anything, and blah blah what happened to the secret prisoners in the secret prison that errbody knows about, but hey, itís a blah blah secret, so donít blah blah, and thereís some countries with oil and we kinda like them but they donít like us blah blah, or they like us (as in U.S.) but we (as in The People) donít want them liking us too much and owning anything if we know about it, and then my head hurts. Blah.

So I get in my car to go to my job so I can save up for some gasoline or oil, or some nice electricity, or maybe to buy a new bottle of sleeping pills that might make me crash my car and not remember it because I was hypnotized by the perfectly legal restful and relaxing pills advertised on the teevee with the butterflies and soothing music and a reminder to devote a full eight hours to sleepy-time, so hey, donít drive or do damn near anything for that matter, except maybe eat, huh? Yeah, I think itís OK to eat on sleeping pills. Seriously, now all I want is some sleeping pills and a nice Double McWhopper, except I just remembered a classic Current Event with the jittery cow falling down. Man, you seen that? The teevee news loves that pitiful spastic beef, all Bovine Spongiform Encephalitised within an inch of its life. Damn, I get all psyched up for a nice juicy double triple whatever with cheese and I haveta go and remember that Current Event I read in the paper about the Mad Cow, and then on the teevee they got the ďfile footageĒ of that poor shaky cow goiní all tipsy on itself, jeez. How come the goddamn sleeping pills only black you out when youíre driving? Where are the ones that will black me out when I am reading my Current Events? Theyíre working on it?

And look, Iím driving at the legal speed limit here, and thereís a goddamn fucking red light a block ahead, so you need to get off my ass, seriously. Itís bad enough youíre tailgating me, but youíre trying to drive over the top of my fucking car and hurry up to get to a red light? Do you have the Shakey Cow thing or what? What the hell is the matter with you? Stop looking at my bumper and start looking at the next intersection. Man, I wish I could slip something into peopleís chow to get them to calm down out here on the highway soís they wonít follow too closely when Iím in my car on the way to get some food and prescription medicines, OK?

Look, you know what, on second thought, give that trembly-ass cow my goofballs. I donít want íem until you get the formula right. Ooh, now I want maybe some fried chicken, unless thereís some Mad Chicken deal going on now along with all that Bird Flu bullshit. Howabout a pizza? Is there anything infecting pizzas?

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