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Mr. Wrong

Pandemic

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 6/14/2006

I got the World Cup fever, man, seriously, and I donít even know the difference between soccer and football, you know?

Are you aware of World Cup? Of Football? As in Soccer? You know, the one that, like, the Whole World gets up for every four years or something like that? Itís, like, the Cup of the World, man, way more World than, like, World Series, because thereís only teams from two countries in the World Series, but Iím not hating on Baseball or anything, really, I enjoy to take in a baseball game on the radio or teevee or in person, but itís just the way it is, because not enough of the World is interested in Baseball, and sure, maybe thatíll change, but címon, man, you want some World, you go for the Cup, check it out.

Maybe itís because Iím alla time worrying about the Enemy and whatís going on Over There and in all these places in the World, but this year I feel like Iím a Citizen of the World, therefore entitled to enjoy me some World Cup. I wouldíve imagined the United States of America had a team that plays in World Cup, or coulda played in World Cup if they qualified, but I didnít know for sure until I looked at a World Cup schedule, and itís nice to see USA in the lineup, but I donít really care, just like I donít give a fuck who plays in Super Bowl, man, since Iím basically just gonna get excited about World Cup in general and watch some games, because I just kinda realized if I can get psyched about Super Bowl and almost never watch a regular-season game in the NF of L, then I can mosí def get jacked for some World Cuppage, baby, like, even if I ainít really sure whoís playing what for who.

Itís like, I know that guy Bendit Luke Beckham or whatever because heís married to Posh Spice Girl, but beyond that I got nothing. Iím like, uh, ďYeah, that Pele, yeah, heís a good player.Ē And the other day Iím in this place watching some World Cup, and itís irn playing mex, and for some reason I thought it was Ireland vs. Mexico and thereís all these guys with green shirts watching the game of guys in green shirts and guys in red shirts, and I thought the Mexican guys had red shirts because, I dunno, like, itís hot in Mexico or something? Anyway, yeah, Iím a dumbass, because the green shirts are Mexico and the red shirts are Iran, not Ireland, but whatever, itís fuckiní World Cup, man!

Iím watching a buncha guys running around and the game is like 70 minutes old and itís tied at 1 point or goal or whatever each, but this World Cup shit is, like, a fucking baseball game (because of the amount of time it takes in general for something to happen) plus a basketball or hockey game (because they keep moving) on top of a pre-NFL-Football tailgate party, because a lotta people are enjoying many World Cups of their favorite legal beverages before, during, and after the footsies or footies or whatever they call it.

Plus, itís, like, all Geopolitically and Historically and like that, Angola plays Portugal? Thatís pretty fucking crazy, man, because Portugal colonized Angola hundreds of years ago, I bet probably before it was called Angola, and they had slaves and repression, and then eventually the Commies and Uncle Sam were working puppets holding guns, and now itís like, ďHey, weíre playing some World Cup with Angola and Portugal, good times.Ē Right? I mean, I think World Cup is better than the Olympics because this is a Sport with Measurable Results errybody can agree on, and thereís no, like, ďRhythmic GymnasticsĒ or whatever getting judged by a bunch of judges, no way. Itís like, score a fucking goal, man, and itís hard to do, so when somebody scores a goal the fans go absolutely fucking batshit and the soccer-football guys run around like they all just got shot in the carotid artery with some liquid methamphetamine or whatever, and who the fuck knows how many of íem are on performance-enhancing drugs, but I donít think itís like in baseball where alla sudden these guys are hitting a hundred home runs a week and nothing makes sense anymore because you can kick the ball with your head, man, and they donít wear helmets or baseball caps or anything. World Fucking Cup, man. Goal.

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