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Mr. Wrong

Whatís Happening Now

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 7/12/2006

This has gotta be my most favorite time of year, seriously, because thereís like, nothing happening. Zero. I mean, go look at a calendar now, man, and check it: Itís July right now, and after Independence Day, aka the Fourth of July, there are no holidays or observances or anything this month, just Sunday-through-Monday, with nothing printed on my calendar, not even some holiday I never heard of in a foreign country, although, like, disclaimer and shit: My calendar must likes the Freedom Fries because Iím pretty sure thereís "Bastille Day" in France this month, but whatever, no offense Frenchies, not a big party day Over Here, umkay? So no Imported Holidays with little abbreviations like "(C)" or "(Mex)" or anything in July, and furthermore and henceforth if you look at August, the only thing I see on myówhat, Gregorian calendar? Whatíre we workiní with here, Gregorian calendar, right? Named after a Pope or something?

Thatís gotta piss all the anti-Popesters off, I bet, if any of them are aware of, like, History and stuffóthat the calendar We the People all agree upon for our holidays and observances and shit was invented by a Pope of Rome, or at least, like, developed under this guyís Administration or whatever. Personally, right now I couldnít tell you the name of the current Pope whoís presently Popeing because that other guy Johannes Paulus II was on the throne for so long itís like there isnít even a Pope anymore, as far as Iím concerned.

Itís like when they change the Dr. Who on the Doctor Who show. See, thereís this show called Doctor Who, and itís always on Public Television for some reason, I guess because itís British, from the BBC, and Public Television seems to wanna run any old shit thatís British, even if itís completely not in the Public Television kinda mode, as in semieducational or cultural, I guess, or brainiac or something. Itís like there are these British teevee shows they put on that are exactly the kind of shit people complain about on regular teevee, with fat guys in dirty T-shirts and beers and all smelly I bet, but because theyíre British they get on the Public Teevee, seriously. Címon, you know what I mean with these Public Television shows, right? Maybe they get íem cheap or something, I dunno, but címon, Public Television, how about some lowbrow Japanese teevee for a change? Or shit, I donít care, Armenian, Uruguayan? Enough with the Are You Being Served and other 20-year-old crap thatís British.

Anyway, thatís my opinion of some of this Public Television, and I watched this Doctor Who for a while because it has Science Fiction and rockets and shit, but then they changed the guy who was supposed to be the Dr. Who or whatever his name was (because I donít think they ever actually said it), but anyway, they changed the guy and I stopped watching, so thatís why I donít watch the Popeís show anymore, and I bet a lot of people donít watch Doctor Who anymore, OK? What?

All I was trying to say is thereís only one thing on my calendar for August, and itís called civic holiday (c), which means itís a holiday in Canada, and either the people who put the calendar together couldnít remember the name of it or itís a holiday for Honda Civics, I dunno, but thatís it for August, which is beautiful, you know. Like, no pressure, you wanna take some time off, go right ahead and do it, because chances are you wonít have to battle 9 million other schmucks trying to do, like, civic holiday or whatever all at the same time, dig?

So Iím cool with this month and the next one, even if we went back to the old-style Julius Caesar calendar, which was invented in the B. of C., but I bet a lotta right-thinking people would take exception to that, plus all the scientists, I bet, would be annoyed about the accuracy and whatever, with the Leap Days or Leap Year, but thatís cool. I think for the most part scientists know whatís going on, except maybe for some of the ones who are against this global warming crap, as in being all "Tut-tut, I say poppycock on all your so-called Global Warmings" and whatever. I mean, hey, regular (or even irregular) readers of the words arranged in this space would never confuse them with anything scientifical, but itís like, címon, thereís gotta be, like, gases and minerals and chemicals and stuff that screw up the air, and there are all these engines in cars and motorcycles and liíl teeny remote-control toy boats constantly schlooping out all these gases, and, but before I think any more, because it hurts, I need to know what the deal is with remote-control miniboats.

I mean, I went on vacation and I saw these guys playing with teeny little model-sized remote-control boats. Why not get a real boat, huh? I mean, I can understand maybe a remote-control aeroplane because thatís kinda pricey, getting a real plane to fool around with, but címon, if you got a remote-control boat, maybe you should get a real one because itís nice out and we got like six weeks of nothing, man. And look, get a rowboat or a sailboat, those are fun, and there are all these gases, I know, theyíre invisible gases, but they have chemicals and shit that are fucking up the atmosphere of the planet, so if you lay off the toy boat engines for six weeks, maybe that will help the planet? I dunno.

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