This has gotta be my most favorite time of year, seriously, because there’s like, nothing happening. Zero. I mean, go look at a calendar now, man, and check it: It’s July right now, and after Independence Day, aka the Fourth of July, there are no holidays or observances or anything this month, just Sunday-through-Monday, with nothing printed on my calendar, not even some holiday I never heard of in a foreign country, although, like, disclaimer and shit: My calendar must likes the Freedom Fries because I’m pretty sure there’s "Bastille Day" in France this month, but whatever, no offense Frenchies, not a big party day Over Here, umkay? So no Imported Holidays with little abbreviations like "(C)" or "(Mex)" or anything in July, and furthermore and henceforth if you look at August, the only thing I see on my—what, Gregorian calendar? What’re we workin’ with here, Gregorian calendar, right? Named after a Pope or something?

That’s gotta piss all the anti-Popesters off, I bet, if any of them are aware of, like, History and stuff—that the calendar We the People all agree upon for our holidays and observances and shit was invented by a Pope of Rome, or at least, like, developed under this guy’s Administration or whatever. Personally, right now I couldn’t tell you the name of the current Pope who’s presently Popeing because that other guy Johannes Paulus II was on the throne for so long it’s like there isn’t even a Pope anymore, as far as I’m concerned.

It’s like when they change the Dr. Who on the Doctor Who show. See, there’s this show called Doctor Who, and it’s always on Public Television for some reason, I guess because it’s British, from the BBC, and Public Television seems to wanna run any old shit that’s British, even if it’s completely not in the Public Television kinda mode, as in semieducational or cultural, I guess, or brainiac or something. It’s like there are these British teevee shows they put on that are exactly the kind of shit people complain about on regular teevee, with fat guys in dirty T-shirts and beers and all smelly I bet, but because they’re British they get on the Public Teevee, seriously. C’mon, you know what I mean with these Public Television shows, right? Maybe they get ’em cheap or something, I dunno, but c’mon, Public Television, how about some lowbrow Japanese teevee for a change? Or shit, I don’t care, Armenian, Uruguayan? Enough with the Are You Being Served and other 20-year-old crap that’s British.

Anyway, that’s my opinion of some of this Public Television, and I watched this Doctor Who for a while because it has Science Fiction and rockets and shit, but then they changed the guy who was supposed to be the Dr. Who or whatever his name was (because I don’t think they ever actually said it), but anyway, they changed the guy and I stopped watching, so that’s why I don’t watch the Pope’s show anymore, and I bet a lot of people don’t watch Doctor Who anymore, OK? What?

All I was trying to say is there’s only one thing on my calendar for August, and it’s called civic holiday (c), which means it’s a holiday in Canada, and either the people who put the calendar together couldn’t remember the name of it or it’s a holiday for Honda Civics, I dunno, but that’s it for August, which is beautiful, you know. Like, no pressure, you wanna take some time off, go right ahead and do it, because chances are you won’t have to battle 9 million other schmucks trying to do, like, civic holiday or whatever all at the same time, dig?

So I’m cool with this month and the next one, even if we went back to the old-style Julius Caesar calendar, which was invented in the B. of C., but I bet a lotta right-thinking people would take exception to that, plus all the scientists, I bet, would be annoyed about the accuracy and whatever, with the Leap Days or Leap Year, but that’s cool. I think for the most part scientists know what’s going on, except maybe for some of the ones who are against this global warming crap, as in being all "Tut-tut, I say poppycock on all your so-called Global Warmings" and whatever. I mean, hey, regular (or even irregular) readers of the words arranged in this space would never confuse them with anything scientifical, but it’s like, c’mon, there’s gotta be, like, gases and minerals and chemicals and stuff that screw up the air, and there are all these engines in cars and motorcycles and li’l teeny remote-control toy boats constantly schlooping out all these gases, and, but before I think any more, because it hurts, I need to know what the deal is with remote-control miniboats.

I mean, I went on vacation and I saw these guys playing with teeny little model-sized remote-control boats. Why not get a real boat, huh? I mean, I can understand maybe a remote-control aeroplane because that’s kinda pricey, getting a real plane to fool around with, but c’mon, if you got a remote-control boat, maybe you should get a real one because it’s nice out and we got like six weeks of nothing, man. And look, get a rowboat or a sailboat, those are fun, and there are all these gases, I know, they’re invisible gases, but they have chemicals and shit that are fucking up the atmosphere of the planet, so if you lay off the toy boat engines for six weeks, maybe that will help the planet? I dunno.

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