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Mr. Wrong

Touched by a Pizza

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 9/6/2006

Seriously, somebody put their bare-naked, ungloved hand with the fingers and fingernails and everything on top of a corner slice of my freshly minted, piping-hot, "Sicilian-style" pie avec cheese and crumbled Italian sausage, which I was all sat-down minding my own business and getting ready to enjoy at my favorite pizza-serving restaurant, and then this guy touched it, my pizza, and pressed the fuck down upon it, causing an upheaval in the sauce-cheese-sausage topping order, and a big part of the cheese got mushed aside on this one piece, and turned upside down, the cheese, and I could see the bare dough subsurface of the pizza pie, with a liíl bit of red sauce hanging on, but mostly I could see wet, white dough on this one part of this particular piece of pizza that was violated. Hey, man, thatís some haiku material:

    You touched my pizza
    What is your fucking problem
    Wet white dough glistens

See? Thatís how art gets made, man, through conflict and injustice and shit. Fucker touched my pizza, man. This restaurant sets the pizza next to your table on a little folding deal that holds the big pizza pan, and my table was right next to the counter, and this guy was sitting there with his back to me, then as heís standing up, he puts his fucking hand back, touching my fucking pizza, causing untold destruction. I guess it was an accident, but it mighta been a calculated attempt to get me to go, like "Eeeyuuw, jeez, you touched my pizza! I ainít gonna eat that now, urgh, here, you eat it," but I was too stunned, seriously, so I just told him no biggie. Again, weíre talking "Sicilian-style," where the corner is the best part, for reals, you got all your ingredients plus a little well-turned crust thatís soaked-through with oil and some sauce, drool. Also, the "Sicilian-style" pizza Iím talking here is not this thing where they put all the ingredients into the dough, which I have heard described as a "Sicilian" pizza, this is a rectangular affair with the tasty and appealing toppings distributed upon the surface in the customary manner, and none of that "toppings under the cheese" bullshit, who thought that was a good idea? But itís all good; I discriminate, pizzawise, but I donít hate. I go for pizza, we sit down for some pizza, you bring me pizza, Iím not gonna be critical about what style it is, Iím just sayiní Sicilian-style is the best, but if you enjoy the Neapolitan or whatever, then my compliments to you, saluto tutto il gusto, OK?

Hey, speaking of "best," itís almost time for the biggest and bestest episode of the paper my column appears in almost half of the time. Yeah, man, the "Best of Baltimore," if you will, is something like two weeks away, and it has all the things that are subjectively Best in Baltimore, and this is as close as my every-other-week column will get to it before I whizz out a column afterward, dig? Itís like, the Jerry Lewis Telethon for 2006 is over, as in already happened, because the paper or web site you are sounding out the words to right now is published after Labor Day, but since we gotta do things in advance in order to get some time off, for our labors and so forth, and since my column only drops every other week, then I canít really comment too much on staying up late with Jerry and whatever, you know? If I wrote about it two fucking weeks ago, itíd be too early, and, like a freshly baked pizza, the flavor of the Telethon is the fullest when itís fresh, see? And not to be hating on the cold pizza, thatís fine, and no offense, but it ainít better than new pizza, otherwise that stupid fucking PíEatZZaô at the 7-Eleven would be the Taste Sensation Thatís Sweeping the Nation, if you please, but it ainít, and donít believe anybody who tells you different, because it is cold pizza, and thatís not anybodyís first choice, seriously, just like having a column in a weekly newspaper where they only run your column every other week, no matter how perfect your attendance is, no matter how many of these other lazy-ass "columnists" decide to "take a week off" and shit like that when they could just write a column on a topic in advance thatís not timely, like the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon, or City Paper "Best of Baltimore" edition, which even though my column will not appear in it, on account of itís a "Special Issue," I recommend wholeheartedly and without reservation when it "hits the streets," as they say, Sept. 20, 2006 anno domini, especially since I work for the paper at my Day Job, which I need, seriously, because how ya gonna make a living when you got an every-other-week column, huh?

Anyway, yesterday, I ate that piece of pizza that got touched, but I heated it up first, urp.

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