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Mr. Wrong

Vote Early ...

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 11/1/2006

Hey, it's almost time for the Miracle of Democracy or whatever, as in the sacrament of "free and open elections" all across this Great Land of Ours, and it might be a little early for me to be employing this time-honored and Important Event as a ripped-from-today's-headlines "topic," if you will, but since (I think) Election Day is next Tuesday, as in the Tuesday after This Tuesday, which always confuses the fuck outta me, because I mean look, this Tuesday, for me, would be Tuesday, Oct. 31, since on account of the fresh set of newsprint you're getting ready to spread on the floor as a drop cloth for your next spin-art session will be dated Wednesday, Nov. 1, that means I gotta poop out my words in advance of that, in this case, i.e., to wit, no (ahem) later than Monday, Oct. 30, 2006, anno domini, in order for them to get inked upon the very pages you are standing on right now. How primitive is that shit, eh? Letter-shaped stains of ink on some paper, jeez. But I Gets Paid, so you can do whatever you want with the newspapers, haters. Yeah, that's right, you know where, and not for wiping, either.

Anyway, that makes Election Day next Tuesday for me, but since you're reading this in The Future, then Election Day is, for you, this Tuesday, alles klar? Maybe I'm more confused than usual about this because I just saw this movie on a Digital Video Disc with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves where one of 'em is in The Future and one of 'em is not, like, as in The Past, I guess, but maybe in The Here And Now, or something like that. Fuck, I wasn't paying complete attention, but that was some confusing shit, even if I was perhaps possibly paying attention, intently, as their dramatis personaes are trying to have Young Professional romance in really nice apartments and restaurants and leave each other notes in a mailbox that is like, I guess, the onliest way they can communicate and stuff, since they are not ever in the same place at the same time, even though you could make yourself crazy hollering at the screen, like, Hey, character played by Sandra Bullock, for fuck's sake, why don't you just stay put or buy an ad in the newspaper or a commercial on teevee or whatever, and then Keanu Reeves will know where you are? Or look, your character is a doctor or something, right? Why don't you just build a fuckin' house next to where that goddamn magical mailbox is and then you will meet Keanu Reeves, and then we can watch the "bloopers," huh? But it's not that kind of movie. You're supposed to be an Adult and suspend your disbelief and shit.

Hey, I wonder if the Deleted Scenes thing on the Digital VD has one where they're trying to figure out when Next Tuesday is? Like, "Oh, character played by Sandra Bullock, I looooves you, so please to check the box on this letter that says u luv me 2 and then put it in the time-traveling mailbox This Tuesday, which also is the Tuesday before Election Day, which happens to be next Tuesday according to that bonehead who writes the every-other-week column that I use for my caged bird to poop upon." And then Sandra Bullock is all like "--the fuck? Does/did/will he mean/meant This Tuesday, which is Halloween, when I gotta deal with all these little nosepickers rolling up on my door and getting pissed because I gave 'em the `Party Size' candy, since things are a little tight and I gotta economize and not even go `Fun Size'? And by the way, what's the next tiniest size of candy they will invent, and will they give you a fuckin' magnifying glass with to use for the enjoyment of?" And why don't they just make fuckin' Halloween and Election on the same day, and we can all hand out our write-in ballots to the kids and they can go to the election place and exchange it for candy, heh?

Sorry. And look, if you're reading this on the World Wide, you're on your own, man, go look at a calendar or something, because all I'm trying to say is if the very next Tuesday I'm gonna experience is, like, tomorrow, then that's this Tuesday, umkay? And the Tuesday after that would be next Tuesday, right? Election Day is gonna happen somewhere in there, and it's supposed to be Important, and don't not-vote because it's fixed, because that's what they (and you know who They are) want you to do. They want you to stay home and not vote, get it? Of course it's fixed, but if you show up in overwhelming numbers, you cancel that out, get it?

Look, I want to remind you How to Vote: Whoever is already in there needs to get kicked the fuck out, and if there's like a situation where both of 'em already have a job, then vote Communist or something, seriously. Send a message, and in a couple-few elections we'll have fucking Anarchy, or at least Mayhem maybe, and then some Real motherfuckers will step up and take care of business, OK? Get all these Elected Officials the fuck out of office and elect some unelected unofficials and then vote them the fuck out after they serve us (as in U.S.) because they're supposed to be Public Servants. Next Tuesday. Bring candy.

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