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Mr. Wrong

Heads and Tails

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/7/2007

Man, I totally fumbled on Super Bowl XLI, jeez. Lucky for me the only thing I had a bet down on was the coin toss, which is really hard to say sometimes when you are watching Super Bowl with a mouthful of chili. C'mon now, don't front, you've said "toin coss" at least once in your life, hah?

Yeah, I'm a Genius, man. I won a whole dollar on the Toin Coss and quit while I was ahead on the Super Bowl and concentrated on the potato chips. But look, I'm still gonna put money on Obama for the big President Bowl comin' up next year in the Two Double-Oh Ocho, man, even if Albert Gore comes back from winning his Nobel Prize for being Inconvenient and gets "drafted," which is more Football talk, I think, for getting picked to run for the Presidential without having to go to all those "Primaries." Man, that's totally the way to go--just lie back and have 'em beg you to run their lives and make all their decisions and win the War on Freedom or maybe kinda just make the War on Freedom go away, at least. Maybe if the icecaps melt some more people will pray to Gore to save them, huh?

I got problems with this Gore, though, seriously. This guy rolled over, man. He had a shot at the Big Chair and he got all weird and backed down, for real. Don't ever forget that shit, OK? Especially if you hate on, or are at least Generally Displeased with, Bush the 43rd. Think about it: Al Gore coulda saved you from the past two terms of George W. Bush, President of the United States of America Inc., Plus Tax. How can you vote for that shit? He should still be fighting that crap in court someplace while William Jefferson Clinton kept the desk warm, right?

C'mon, you think George the W. Bush woulda been all like, "Oh, OK, some irregularities in the voting, eh? I lose? Sure, no problemo, I'm gonna retire from Public office now and, gee, I dunno, maybe grow a beard, and then eventually I'll start making shitty remarks about the guy who won, even though I coulda probably challenged the whole thing and maybe even won or at least maybe got the ball rolling toward fixing whateverthefuck got screwed up in the election, bye!"

Do you remember when Gore had that beard goin' on, after he walked away from the opportunity to become President of the United States of America the Beautiful? He wasn't dressing too sharp, I don't think. I mean, I think he was walkin' around in flannel shirts and stuff, but he looked like some kinda old-school with that beard, man. He shoulda fought for that fucking gig and growed that goddamn beard out all U.S. Grant, or at least Abe Lincoln, stylee, while he was fighting, and whatever. He shoulda ran again, for President, the next time out with the fucking beard strapped on. That's some serious Presidential shit, man, a beard. Seriously, when did it become uncool for Presidents of the United States of America to rock a beard? I'd grow a beard if I was one of the Presidents of the United States. Did you ever hear that song "Peaches" by that band called the Presidents of the United States of America? I really liked that song when it came out. They had, like, ninjas or something in the video for that song.

Anyway, if I can be his Campaign Adviser this time around, in the Oh-Oh-Ocho, I would tell Former Vice President, and jeez, when you think about it, Almost Practically Goddamn Fucking President if He Woulda Pushed It, of the Entire United States of America Gore that he should wear a suit, grow that fuckin' beard back, and sport a stovepipe hat, man. That could possibly make me reconsider my bet on President of the United States Barack Obama, but I still think I'd be thinking about how Gore didn't Fight for His Right to Party, and it's probably still gonna Cloud My Judgment when it comes time to vote for President of the United States of America. Maybe Gore should wear a long coat, with the tails, right, like Honest Abe? Maybe I'll just toss a fucking coin.

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