In the Realm of the Centses
Man, I hate pennies, and you should, too. I know "hate" is a strong word, but c'mon, what the fuck exactly do we need all these stupid goddamn pennies for? If I go to Burger King or something and I get pennies in my change, I just throw 'em in my glove compartment so they won't contaminate my regular change that I keep in the little coin tray.
I don't think I'm gonna go to Burger King again for a while, though, because the last time I went and ordered a double (urp) cheeseburger hold the pickle, the cheese on the cheeseburger wasn't melted the way it usually is, all nice and almost liquidy. Not this time, man, no, this time there were these hard cheese corners on my round double cheeseburger (urp) only without the pickle, please, and then I had, like, a Moment of Burger Clarity and figured out the reason I was a loyal subject of the Burger King was because, I theorize, it is company policy to microwave the hamburger sandwiches after they are assembled, and so when you get one, the sandwich is always super piping hot and comforting and friendly. But the last time I passed through the King's drive-thru and unwrapped what I thought was gonna be my tasty double cheeseburger minus (urp) pickle, I'm feeling this, this room-temperature bun, and I look at the side of my double cheese (urp) burger sandwich without pickle (urp), and it's not all steaming hot when I pull up the bun to make sure my instructions were obeyed in terms of pickle withholding. Urp.
Anyway, pennies, right? I got one of those gigantor plastic jars that hold those jumbo party fun-size helpings of pretzels and I throw all my pennies in there when I get home. I ate all the pretzels, so it's cool. But look, these fucking pennies, did you ever smell a whole bunch of pennies? If I ever get elected to Public Office, I will propose legislation to make sure everything will cost in multiples of 5 cents, and my best example of this are these goddamn postage stamps.
Look, I'm not running for Public Office or anything, but I figure I'm gonna play it like Albert Gore Jr. is doing and wait for The People to "draft" me as a candidate for something. So, these pennies, man, these 1 centses, why, oh why, my sweet Jesus H. Christ of Latter-Day Saints Inc. do they raise the price of stamps to not-round numbers? And you know who They are, seriously, with the Star Wars R2-D2 mailboxes? Who asked for that?
It's like, I just recovered from when the stamps were, what, 37 cents? And they (Them) raised `em to 39? Right? And what was it before that? Thirty-four cents? And before that? Thirty-three cents? And? Thirty-two cents? See a fucking consistent Pattern of Willful Avoidance of nice even-change numbers here? Every time They (those guys) jack that postage up in all these weird non-5-cents increments, we (The People) gotta go and buy these 3-cent stamps and 2-cent stamps and fucking 1-cents stamps, and you never really know exactly how many Old Stamps you got that need to be matched up with some stupid add-on shits that aren't even cool stamps like those bat stamps--those were some pretty cool stamps, man, with all the different little freaky flying mammals. I even like those "Crops of the Americas" ones, with, like, some colorful Indian corn and peppers and sunflowers and stuff, but now I'm holding some of those, and they're Spoiled Vegetable Stamps, man--39 cents--so I gotta go buy some stupid fucking goddamn 2-centses to make my First Class postage of 41 cents. I'm either gonna 1) buy too many two-cent stamps and never use 'em all, or 2) not buy enough two-cent stamps to go along with my 39-cent stamps, and then I'll have these 39-cent stamps sitting around forever and the United States Postage Service gets to enjoy that cash and blow it on R2-D2 mailboxes without ever delivering any postage for me.
It's a racket, man, just like these fucking gift cards where you get it down to, like, $1.12 left on the card, and so you never go back to use it because you would never buy anything in that store anyway, probably, and when you get a gift card, you don't want to be buying over the amount of gift card and actually have to reach into your pocket to buy your own goddamn gift, do you? What kinda gift is that? So the store makes out because you just leave that last little sip of gift-card juice in the bottom of your gift card. And don't even start talking about those "forever stamps," man, the one the Post Office has now where, if you buy that stamp now, it's good for the First Class postage "forever." That's complete bullshit, because I figured out I'd have to buy, like, a million of 'em in order to maybe sell them on the eBay and make a profit the next time the rates go up.
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