Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong


Smell of Steve Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 9/5/2007

So I'm driving down the street the other day, minding my own business, and I see this billboard for these mini-bananas, like "baby bananas" or whatever, and it's a picture of this teeny-weensy buncha bananas (but of course enlarged onto a giant billboard), and I'm like, who asked for this, you know? Like, "Boy oh boy, I sure do love me some Musa sapientum, or M. acuminata, if you will, but I wish they were way smaller, then my life would be complete."

After almost losing my mind trying to get a pen to write down something to the effect of mini banana on a piece of paper (which I will elaborate upon in the hindquarters of this column), I eventually looked on/at/in the Internet, and the Dole company, whose pineapples I generally admire--especially the canned ones in heavy pineapple juice, wow, put some of that in the fridge for a while and we're talking Fruity Good Times, man, just put the whole can in there--anyway, Dole is peddling these microbananas and they got some propaganda on their Web-deal in re, to wit:

Baby Bananas, also known as Oritos, Lady Fingers and Manzanos, received their name because they resemble the hands of small children--plump and short. These subtropical varieties of bananas are grown at higher altitudes. The peel has a yellow-pinkish cast. Quite sweet, these bananas taste best at full ripeness, when the peel is freckled with sugar spots.

First of all, as a U.S. American, I believe it's kinda creepy to push those "hands of small children" and "lady parts" thing, right? And, like, then, under "Usage Tips," they go: "Ideal for small children, because of portion size and sweet taste."

Right, 'cuz regular effing bananas aren't sweet enough. Judas H. Banana, man, what the hell is going on here? Cut up a regular banana, jeez. I mean, I don't know how much mini baby bananas cost, but I bet they ain't cheap, man, and I bet on a banana-peel to banana-insides ratio of proportions, you get a better deal with regular banana. You know what? I bet it's because the regular bananas are gonna be extinct and they (and you know who They are) want to migrate us to these other high-altitude bananas before there is a Banana Crisis in a Banana Republic.

Jesus Christ, it's hard to type "banana," seriously. Everything looks OK after some Editor fixes all my boo-boos, but look--here are my first non-edit-spellchecked attempts at the typing of: baanna, right here man, bana. Bbananan. Bananana, ah shit, you try it, it's like i can't remember how to spell it and then i gotta type it, and it seems like there should be some double letters in there, right, like misssisspiip or whatever? Bananas. Mississippi. I can do it, it's just i gotta concentrate on it and I hate concentrating almost as much as i hate thinking, because that's too much like school, man.

And, man, I fucking hate school, man, seriously, and for the realest of reality-television reals. I am not exaggerating or kidding or hyperbolizing or misunderestimating or whatever when I tell people (like you) that when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is think, Yes! No school today, motherfucker, like every day is a holiday, No School Today, and it's all uphill from there, my friends and neighbors, except for the occasional school-related flashback, like the other day when I needed a pen.

Pretty simple, right? I go into a "convenience store" looking for one, but all they got is a pack of, like, 12 pens for a buck 49 or some bullshit, and I'm wondering where is the just one goddamn pack, man? I even considered trying to buy the pen the lady behind the counter was using, but it was filthy, I swear. Most of the time you end up with a pen from signing something at a store, and it's usually a pretty good one, or they got a cup of 'em out with the advertising on it and you take one, but this pen looked like it was used to clean the coffee machine, so I didn't offer, but damn, I don't want 12 of these crappy pen-sticks, they are not even a "brand name" of pen, like a BIC® Pen or Paper Mate® Pen, and I only need one goddamn pen. I got about 500 million-kabillion fucking pens at my desk and usually in my car (except now, of course) and in my house and all I want is one lousy stupid pen, but they (and this time it's a different Them) want me to buy a dozen pens, and so fuck it, I buy 'em, and of course none of the fuckers work for more than that initial test-scribble, you know, where you go looking for some paper test-surface to start your pen up on, since you might make a lotta scratch-marks before you get your ink-flow on so's you can then go onto your good paper-writer surface? So I'm at like my fifth pen, and nothing, man, I'm not kidding; a weak-ass dry skid mark of blue ink and then I'm ripping the goddamn fucking paper just trying to write mini banana are dumb.

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter