Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Abomination to Utu

Smell of Steve Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 9/26/2007

You know what else pisses me off? BEERVEZA, man, that pisses me off big time.

Miller "Chill" is this new beer-based product that has, like, beer, and some sorta lime flavor mixed into it to simulate the idea of when one enjoys a fine (or maybe not-so-fine) Mexican beer--cerveza, if you will--avec a piquant little squeeze of lime squirted into it to make it more especiale or whatever. Tasty, indeed. I saw a poster for this Miller "Chill" in a bar, and I haven't tried it yet, but I will, trust me, on account of it is made out of Beer, I'm pretty sure, and I like beer, but the other day I'm driving along in my automobile and I see this billboard for what looks like beer; it's got a picture of a nice friendly bottle of beer on it, and I'm gonna be honest, I got a little excited, because if it's a New beer or Novelty beer or the Return of some Old beer or some completely plain-old everyday-ordinary beer in a new shape of bottle or multidose cardboard box with some kinda hyperbolic bullgargle on there about keeping the beers within fresher or colder or beerier, I am all about it. How much for that New beer product, sir or madam? I will buy it at least once. Wide-mouth bottle or can? Interesting, yes, I do believe this means I can pour the contents of this beer-container into my beer-hole with much greater ease and efficiency than ever before. I'll take a six-pack on which to base my Product Evaluation.

I like beer. Carve it on my tombstone, homeboys and girls, or hey, if it's cold and wintry, etch it temporarily upon the snow in a flowing golden script of your own issue. I like beer. And I'm not alone, man, check this out, real Knowledge from the Ancients, man, the Sumerians, for fuck's sake. You know, "Cradle of Civilization"? As in Mesopotamia? You know, the Near East? How about Iraq? Yeah, man, they are the Ancestors of a lotta the people in The Iraq, and so, in the interests of the unity of all beings on Earth, I now serve as a beer-powered Ambassador of Goodwill and invite you to enjoy the greatest hits, picked by me, off'n the fragmentarily translated remains of the written knowledge of the Sumerians, as compiled into (I'm not makin' this up) the Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature (ETCSL), which lives on the internet as etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk, to wit:

    Proverbs: collection 1: c.6.1.01 He who drinks beer drinks water.

    Proverbs: collection 26: c.6.1.26 He is fearful, like a man unacquainted with beer.

    Proverbs: from Susa: c.6.2.2 Not to know beer is not normal.

    Proverbs: collection 3: c.6.1.03 (cf. 6.1.26.a5, 6.2.1: Ni 4122 ll. 2-5) { (1 ms. adds:) To serve beer with unwashed hands, to spit without trampling upon it, to sneeze without covering it with dust, to kiss with the tongue at midday without providing shade, are abominations to Utu.

    Proverbs: collection 4: c.6.1.04 Oh little one who is no longer consuming milk, your mother is a wild cow yielding beer.

Are we talking Words of Wisdom here or what? Hooch, in its many forms, has the Power to draw humans closer together, man, in the whole "more unites us than divides us" kinda way, right? Now look, according to the detailed scholarly research I have completed (I punched "beer" into the ETCSL search-thing), the Sumerians were not strangers to the idea of beer mixed with stuff, like so:

    Proverbs: collection 3: c.6.1.07(cf. 6.1.03.155) Let me drink beer shandy and sit in the seat of honour!

I mean, seriously, who wouldn't like a nice little beer shandy (beer and lemonade or ginger ale, depending on who you ask) and a chance to rest their ass on the "seat of honour"? I'll settle for a shandy if the honour-seat's booked, OK?

But it's, like, the biggest word on the billboard was BEERVEZA. What the fuck kinda mashup-English-slash-Espaņol is that? Wasn't cerveza good enough, as in "Spanish for beer," to begin with? What's beerveza? Beer-beer? Beer mixed with Mexican? I don't get it. Again, that don't mean I won't hoist and topple a bottle or two in the interest of Science or whatever, just don't expect me to get excited about the name, because it is contributing to making errbody dumber.

Like in that major motion picture called Idiocracy. I dunno, like, it wasn't the greatest Major Motion Picture ever made, but it had a lotta good ideas about how We The People are getting Dumber, because of crap fast food (the filmmakers did not like the "Carl's Jr.") and crap entertainment (it wasn't in the movie, but I'm gonna throw the collected filmography of Dane Cook out there as an example), and a thousand years hence in The Future anybody walking the street Right Now could be an effing Genius, comparatively. Seriously, BEERVEZA is Dumb with a capital Um. And when I saw that fucking made-up word BEERVEZA billboard, it almost made me Hate beer, and that's like Hating Freedom, man. It is un-American and anathema to the peaceful progress of the World As We Know It. I dunno, maybe I'm getting all worked up over nothing, hah? After a six-pack of BEERVEZA, I will possibly formulate another opinion.

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
Calendar
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter