Fuel for Thought
If you are on the drugs, like Zoloft, Paxil, etc., Darvocet, Oxycontin, hydrocodone, etc., Zanax, Tylenol, TUMS, Prilosec, Stolichnaya, Metamucil, Ex-Lax, Wellbutrin, etc.; you know, if you gots your two bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, whatever floats your chemically altered boat, et cetera and ad nauseum, with some Pepto-Bismol thrown in for the nauseum, then I am sorry, not as in "for you" sorry, but as in "excuse me" sorry, even if you are riding the White Pony or China White or Black Tar or Caballo or whatever the current "street name" is for the refined Juice of the Poppy, OK?
I believe in the Miracles of both Nature and Modern Medical Science, and even though I am frequently accused of being "on dope" or "a dope" (I never quite hear it correctly on account of my slurred hearing), sometimes I am on Beer, or Popov, or Pikesville, and I understand people need to "handle" me even more differently than usual when I am, so if you are on Drugs, it'd be nice to know in advance so's it won't be awkward. Again, excuse me all to hell (also in advance) if I don't interact with you correctly while you are having your drugs.
Not that you asked, but no, I don't particularly enjoy figuring out if somebody is on the drugs or if they are simply weird. Or hey, howabout if somebody acts really weird and you say, "Boy, that weirdo sure could need some drugs to be taking for, like, being overly weird," even though they are kinda acting like they already are on some drugs which are making them goofy, so it's kind of a circular thought to go from someone acting as if on the drugs to us wanting that on-drugs-acting motherfucker to take a chillaxative or something and simmer the fuck down.
At this point I bet some of you (if there's anybody left) are thinking inside yourself, Hmm, this "column" I am reading sure appears to be the product of some sort of Altered brain chemistry, so perhaps that is the explanation for this crap, but as sure as I Type Crap with three fingers and a thumb, I get paid to do this, and I take it seriously (the money), so I am here to tell you the only thing I'm tweaking on at this moment is mountain dew game fuel, man:
Regular (8 fl. oz.)
Contains: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium benzoate (preserves freshness), gum arabic, caffeine, sodium citrate, yellow 5, glycerol ester of wood rosin, calcium disodium edta (to protect flavor), yellow 6, red 40, brominated vegetable oil.
caffeine content: 48mg/8 fl oz; 121mg/20 fl oz
Calories: (kcal) 110
Total Fat (g) 0
Sodium (mg) 45
Sugars (g) 31
Protein (g) 0
I impulse-bought some of this bug juice at the grocery store before I came into the office to poop out my column so I can get paid $190 (har!), and aside from a bitter--albeit fleeting--aftertaste, I'm sorry this particular Mountain Dew product is only available as a "limited edition," part of some sorta embedded product tie-in to the big Halo 3 thing going on at the www.mountaindewgamefuel.com, and they have a contest--a "sweeps," if you will--where you go to a 7-Eleven convenience store and make winning your mission, man, and also to like, fuel your gaming so's you can play the Halo 3, with a fully-fueled fuel tank full of stuff like sodium benzoate (preserves freshness), and caffeine and also some yellow 5, which I thought was a band name, but that is the "Maroon 5," and it's getting so whenever the pop music comes on my car radio, with a whole buncha "hooks" or whatever those catchy music-parts are called that pull you in, I go "Maroon 5!" like some kinda overly-enthusiastic game show contestant who just drank a coupla bottles of game show contestant fuel, only I'm in my car and it looks like I am On Drugs, but it's just sugar, man. Well, not sugar-sugar, it's high fructose corn syrup, but it acts just like sugar, except it don't taste as good as cane sugar, which I think is the basis for the name of the new teevee show called Cane, starring Jimmy Smits who used to be on the NYPD Blue teevee show and his character had this really nice raincoat and I always used to wonder how a cop could afford such a stylin' raincoat on a policeman's salary, right? But now he (Jimmy Smits, not the character from the NYPD Blue show) is gonna be this guy who owns some sugar cane plantation or something, I guess, and I probably won't watch this show because I got a lot of demands on my time, teeveewise, but I hope they do an episode about how the high fructose corn syrup is fucking it up for everybody, really. All I'm trying to say is while I think I may have a problem abusing beverages that have brominated vegetable oil in them, the only altered state I'm in when I write this column is Greed.
812 Park Ave.
Baltimore, MD 21201