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Mr. Wrong

Invisible but Deadly

Smell of Steve Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 11/21/2007

Jesus Christ, now I have to worry about my fucking carbon footprint, for fuck's sake. Have you seen this Carbon Footprint thing? It's like, if you drive a car or Consume products, then that means you get a carbon footprint, and if you are a Company or Industry that Makes Stuff, or anything like that, you got the supersize carbon footprint, and so you buy these Carbon Credits to fill in your Carbon Footprint, because carbon is made outta oil, or oil makes carbon, or carbon di--or maybe it's mono--oxide, I dunno, it's this invisible gas-molecule that heats up all the trapped Invisible Gases and turns the atmosphere into a big magnifying glass for the ultraviolet solar-action, and there's Carbon in there, and Oil is Bad.

Look, I understand not everybody believes in the Invisible Gases, so no offense if you don't attend the Church of the Invisible Gases, but it's kinda looking like the people who believe in the Invisible Gases getting all heated up inside the giant terrarium that is The Earth, planetarywise, might be on to something, and I have no fucking idea if we are headed to the next Ice Age or the next Whatever is the Opposite Thing Compared to the Next Ice Age, which basically features all the ice melting, but if you have ever seen the major motion pictures Godzilla Vs. the Smog Monster (aka Gojira tai Hedora, if you will) and/or Soylent Green, then it all seems pretty reasonable to imagine everything in the whole wide world burning or emitting these carbons all the time and basically using the planet as a garbage can, and it's gonna get filled up, the Earth, with garbage and Invisible Gases That Will Kill Us, as in everybody.

I'm not a Scientist, and I don't even know any Scientists or Christian Scientists or Scientologists I could consult about this shit, therefore I am basically, like: OK, sure, hey, I don't think it would hurt anything to try and not treat the ecology as a garbage can, so now what? I mean, I never asked for these goddamn blue bags at the supermarket, man.

For reals, I was totally fine with the brown paper bags, but everybody was against those because of the trees and they came up with these annoying goddamn fucking blue bags that rip almost before you get 'em out to the fucking car, because they're so fucking flimsy the people at the supermarket always only will put, like, two things in each bag insteada filling 'em up, so you get home and there's a hundred of these fucking bags floating around from one goddamn trip, and all I wanted to get was some Irish Spring soap and some of those fake sausage patties from Morningstar Farms, because I tried the other ones, the Boca Burger ones? They taste like fucking sawdust, jeez, but the Morningstar Farm ones are good, seriously, they taste almost like a real sausage patty made outta meat, especially if you fry 'em up in some butter, I'm not kidding.

Hey, speaking of meat, have you seen those commercials where these mom-type ladies are trying to kill the King from Burger King? I'm not sure those are some good commercials, you know? I mean, I love me some Burger King, and I enjoy the enigmatic "The King" character currently featured in many of the Burger King promotions, and while I try not to overthink (or even think) on stuff, one could theorize and summarily conclude these women are trying to kill The King because he's trying to kill The Children with his delicious Whopper and Double Cheeseburger meat sandwiches, right? That's what I got out of it, anyway. It's not gonna stop me from going to Burger King when I need a Double Cheeseburger, but then where's the Carbon Footprint there, huh? Or should I say Carbon Assprint? It's almost like Meat is right up there with Oil in regard to the Invisible Gases, on account of the cows you need to make The Beef, because all those beefs poot out a lotta methane while they are growing large with food in order to someday become my next Whopper sandwich with no onions, please.

Anyway, I got a little carried away with the shopping because they had ice cream on sale, and then I saw some nice Produce and I figured I should get some since I could stand to get a little more Produce in my diet, to maybe Carbon-credit myself for the tacos I was gonna make because hamburger was a dollar off, but you hadda buy two "Old El Paso" taco-based products to get the dollar off, and so on, and I end up with a full shopping cart and a hundred of these annoying blue shopping bags on the floor in my kitchen and, seriously, I hate these fucking things. I even get annoyed by, like, the sound they make when I crinkle 'em up to put in that stupid blue bag holder, because these bags are so important now I can't throw 'em away, because that's a Carbon Debit or whatever, and I don't fucking believe they get recycled from where you drop 'em at the supermarket, so I save 'em, but for what? I'm not gonna reuse any because they're mostly ripped, and pretty much the only thing I see people do with 'em is pick up dog shit, and I'm not buying a fucking dog just to use up these goddamn bags.

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