Since my column only runs every other week, I totally missed Thanksgiving, topic-wise, and now it's already the decorating and the people not paying attention and the aggression projected out from behind the wheels of automobiles and all of a sudden there's a fucking Santa Claus on my Coca-Cola can. I would like to say, in this, the run-up to The Holidays, that I am sick of all this stuff that gets run-up to, seriously. All this "The Runup" to The Elections and "The Runup" to The War, or the Next War, or the Continuing War, if you will, right? Quit saying "the Runup to," stuff, OK? Every goddamn morning is The Runup to the end of the day and every goddamn motherfucking day is The Runup to the end of the year, get it? Man, that shit pisses me off. Or deeper still, hearing that kind of crap is The Runup to me being pissed off.
I guess we are for reals actually indeed experiencing The Holidays right now, but like, the days in between the days-off Holiday-days? I'm not real thrilled with those in-between ones, you know? I just want The Holiday, pure Holiday, man. Gimme like, like, that Filet-O-Holiday, an entire day of Don't Gotta Be Doing Nothing combinated with Eating and Napping. Actually, that sounds like a lot of my non-holiday days, hiyo! I sure wish there was a big clump of Holiday, man, not this spreadout bullshit like we got now, but anyway, since it was recently Halloween and Thanksgiving and now Xmas and New Year's in rapid succession at Target, I'm gonna theorize We The People are in the throes of The Holidays, OK?
I don't hate on The Holidays. Again, my only problem with the whole The Holidays thing is we don't all get More, you know? Let's have some more fucking days off, man, like those Europeans, yes? Look at them, seriously, they gotta be doing something right, I mean check out that gol-durned Euro-dollar they got, hah? That thing is kicking our dollar's ass, man, even though it doesn't have a logo as cool as our (as in U.S.) dollar. Really, man, that Euro-dollar logo is kinda weak, but a whole lotta Euros hadda agree on it, so whatever, and you can come up with all the Micro and Macroeconomics theories you want about Oil and The War on Freedom, but I bet it is ultimately because those Euro-types get a whole The Holidays worth of days off in a big chunky-ass chunk of Holiday.
I heard some supermodel or singer or some kinda celebrity-female wants to get paid in Euro dollars, and I totally underwrite that idea, because it is all about Getting Paid. Don't hate the supermodel or whatever she is just because she wants Euro-dollars; she's probably going someplace Euro for her The Holidays, dig? And while we are all Internationally and Globally-speaking, I don't get all worried about whose Holiday or The Holidays we are discussing, you know? I mean, I love to enjoy me some Holidays, since usually it means a day off from work, and I got my Holidays and you go ahead and have some of your Holidays or two, and go ahead and pretend it means whatever you want it to, or even Believe in something if you want, and really, I mean, as long as it doesn't involve like, a human sacrifice or something, please enjoy that action to the fullest, OK? I could care less about you and your The Holidays, but at the same exact time, I totally cheers you and your Holiday or The Holidays of Choice and hope you will invite me over for some food and maybe a lie-down if I need one.
Anyway, like I was saying, here in The Runup to the last sentence of this paragraph, since my fucking column only runs every fucking other week (Have I ever mentioned that my column only runs every other week?), I tend to get a little backed up (as opposed to Runup), and then I enjoy to reflect upon the backup and try to figure out what I missed out on, column-wise, on account of my every-other weakness. For one thing, speaking of Festive Holidays and Eating and Backed up, have you seen that commercial for the Bran cereal, where the construction worker is talking about being backed up and there's a truck in the background dumping a giant load of brown chunks? You can't make this shit up, man. I hope that commercial gets a prize for selling Bran cereal, and I'm trying real hard to remember the name of the cereal-product, which is something like "10% Bran," or maybe "40% Bran," but I don't think it's "All-Bran," which I am also pretty sure is a dumptruck-type of cereal. I sure could use some Column-Bran. ★
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