A Super Bowl® of Stimulus
Jesus Christ, I wish my column ran every week, you know? I can't fucking stay on top of all these events that are current, in a columnar fashion, see?
Like, the Japanese stock market and the Euro-stinian stock markets all decided to take a big poop on my 401(k) plan, and then the Duke of Money or whatever went and lowered the Interest Rate by three-quarters of a percent, or point, if you will. I have no idea what that means, except I know I'm gonna look at my 401-to-the-k and be sad. I hope they still have Taco Bell® when I get too old to work, because I would totally and completely kick ass at that job. You're supposed to get all involved in the stuff you love, right? Your "passion," if you will? Har!
Anyway, then Bush (President No. 43, which reminds me of the big mind-fuck moment in the sequel to The Matrix-which is on my cable teevee all the time right now-where The Guy With The Beard tells Neo he is, like, the kabillionth Neo, so get over yourself, you didn't even know karate before Laurence "Don't Call Me Larry" Fishburne went and showed you, like, a katrillion-squizzillion infinity-squared-times, hippie, in the pre-sequel) is alla sudden like, "Hey, man, I have a Stimulus Package for America, and you get $300, maybe, which is Stimulating, but you're supposed to Go Forth and Spend," which is OK by me, man. I am gonna be a Good American, no lie. Give me my Package of Stimulation in Small Unmarked Bills, and I will tickle the Economy in its most receptive areas, for real. And I'm not gonna save it or pay a bill, Jesus Christ, we gotta put this dough right into the main vein, economywise, right?
Also, I am going to be careful not to buy anything that ain't from my local economy, dig? I'm not gonna go to Target® and buy a whole bunch of shit that was made in China, because China's Economy is kicking the ass out of us, as in U.S., genow? I mean, I bet the War on Freedom has something to do with Our Dollar being at the bottom of the money barrel, but whatever, All Politics is Local, and I will deploy my unwrapped Package to stimulate the Local Economy, like, at a nice restaurant or bar and grill. That way I am purchasing Goods and Services! Like I said, you can do whatever you want with your Stimulus Package, but I think the way to go is Consume, for reals.
I kinda wish I had my Pack-O-Stimulation now, because my financial adviser, the Fearful Gaba, told me the New York Football Giants are a "lock" to beat the spread at Super Bowl® Roman Numeral XLII. That means they could Lose the Super Bowl®, but people who bet on them would still think they are winners as long as they didn't Lose by more than, let's say, 14 points, hmm? Wowee, that would totally be the most American® Moment XLII ever, if errbody got their Stim-Pak%u2122 XLII all at the same time on Super Bowl® XLII, and spent it all on snack foods and Macro-Beers! Arrroooo! SUPER BOWL® XLII! CONSUME! OBEY! XLII!!!
Look, you don't have to watch Super Bowl® or anything XLII, but don't sandbag on that Stimulation, OK? You gotta blow it, the money, otherwise there's no Stimulus-Package Stimulation. If you wanna go to Target® or Wal-Mart® or whatever and buy a big teevee, that's OK. I mean, Television is Important, and I can't tell you how to live your life, but look, don't buy any of that coffee that came out of a cat's ass, OK?
Did you hear about that? I bet you did, because I think there was a big culture-virus thing (as in something They want to Stimulate you to do) with this coffee that is made outta coffee beans which get eaten by some jungle cat and then the beans go through the cat's digestion and somebody picks up all the beans (and washes them off, I hope) and sells them for, like, a hundred-fitty bucks a pound, or USD$320 a kilo, even, and I swear I saw, like, three things in the newspaper about it in two weeks, and heard something on the radio about cat-ass coffee, and then I went and saw the Major Motion Picture The Bucket List, and I don't wanna ruin it for you, so if you haven't already, just stop reading, OK? Go buy something. ★
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