Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Package Deal

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/13/2008

Wowee, so it's like Xmas again! Only you don't gotta make a tree or buy anything, or even Believe in Xmas! Yee-Haw! We're all gonna get Stimulus Packaged!

Well, everybody who makes more than three grand a year, which in my opinion, is pretty stupid. They oughta just give everybody some money, you know? It's like, people don't have money, so you give 'em some, and then we all have the Stimulus! Seriously, why the fuck you gotta do a limit on how poor you are to get Stimulused? Makes no fucking sense, Packagewise. I mean, who better to get Stimulated than somebody who has no job and no dough? It doesn't seem very Democratic or something, that's all. I wish They (the Ones who are giving Us the money) would rethink this and just give money to Everybody, but meanwhile: I'm getting mines, you know? Arrroooo!

Yeah, I'm pretty excited, because I don't know about you, but I am some kinda broke, you know? Fucking "The Holidays" wiped my ass out, walletwise. And when I say "The Holidays," that includes Super Bowl Roman Numeral Whatever and Groundhog, OK? Fucking Super Bowl Roman Numeral the One That Just Happened didn't turn out the way I wanted, in terms of Legal Wagering, and right now, I mean, if I could do one of those "Payday Loans" on my Stimulus Package and get my $600 or $300 or anywhere in between, I think I would go for one, but of course only after carefully reading the terms of the loan while I'm standing in line at the Check-Cashing place.

I wonder if the people who voted on the Stimulus get a check, too? I mean, isn't that like a conflict of Interest or something, like giving yourself a raise? Hah?

What are you gonna buy with your Stimulus Package? I'm thinking about Scratch-offs, seriously, man. I have never spent more than 50 bucks (at one time) on Scratch-offs, but I think Official State-Regulated Gambling is probably one of the most Perfect ways to blow your Stimulus Package. Think about it: You get your money from The State to Stimulate an Economic Package, then, you cast your bread right back upon The State, and at the same time there's a Chance you get to Win Big and then really do some Stimulating on that Economy. Sometimes it's frightening how clearly I can see The Answer to some things, you know?

I don't know why the Government isn't running ads telling people how to deploy their Packages of Stimulosity. I mean, it's a Free Country or whatever, but it'd be nice, as a Public Service, to get some direction out to The People so everybody effectively Stimulates. I'd like to see some Celebrities on Teevee talking about what they're gonna drop their Stimulus Dollars on. Like, you're not supposed to pay bills with it, because all that does is reduce the amount you owe, and it reduces the interest on what you owe, and that is kinda not good for the Economy. Like, the Economy is supposed to Make Money, and you're not getting this cash to Help Yourself, you're getting it to Stimulate the Economy! It's, like, your Duty, just this once.

Again, I don't know why I haven't been drafted to swim in one of those Government Think Tanks, because I can see all this Economy shit from the Demand Side, you know? Let me tell you something: Maybe if we could all get a Stimulus-Day loan, that would be even more doubleplusgood for the Economy, because we would get the loan Right Now, and then the Check-Cashing place would start racking up the Points on all the loans, and that's good for the Business of America, Interest, unless the Check-Cashing places are owned by the Chinese Economy or something, I guess.

Here's a good one I just thought up: If you use a lotta Food Stamps, go out and blow that money on Prepared Meals, OK? Because, like, if you go into a deli or someplace to use your food stamps, you can't use `em for hot foods, right? You gotta buy cold food, and who goes into a deli to buy a Cold Pastrami sandwich? Not me. In fact, now I have a big Thought Balloon over my head filled with a picture of a big juicy Pastrami Sandwich, yum. I can almost smell it.

So look, while at this juncture I am still not 100 percent sure about the Scratch-offs plan (I could use a new pair of shoes), I'm totally putting an appointment in my schedule to go out for a tasty Hot Pastrami on Rye avec Mustard on Stimulus Day, and look, that's the way you should get one of those sandwiches, for real. This isn't some Religious stuff I'm trying to lay on you, the way I would like my local Deli Sandwich Maker to lay a nice thick swath of mustard upon my Hot Pastrami Stimulus Special, but just go ahead and try it; don't go asking for cheese on it, because cheese totally enrobes and disguises the Hot Pastrami Grease, and that's where the True Flavor is. Don't go disguising it with Cheese, which technically is really just another kind of Fat-Grease, just saying.

Man, I'm hungry.

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
Calendar
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter