That's right, baby, totally on the Vacation right now, man. If you are enjoying (OK, let's just say "reading") this special Vacation Edition of the "Mr. Wrong" any time from Wednesday, April 23, in the Year of Our Lord 2008, to Wednesday, April 30, Two Double-Nought Ocho, then I am vacant, man, even more so than usual. Yeah!
But I still file my fucking column, man! Yes yes, I am like, dedicated and shit, you know? ABF! Yeah! I Always Be Filing! Either here on the pages and pixels of Baltimore's Finest Alternative Weekly (every other week), or pixelwise, on the www.splicetoday.com, for those other weeks, since, for reasons of Oppression and Injustice, my column doesn't run on the weekly in a Weekly fucking paper. I don't like it, I don't support it, I didn't vote for it in the Primary or the General Election, but I'm not bitter. Hells-to-the-negatory, my good Gentle Readers, I remain Positive, and I prosecute my ABF mission, filing that mofo, yes, even when I am on my well-deserved Vacancy, I fucking ABF, ABF, ABF, and then I am pleased to be enjoying festive beverages, aka Adult Beverages of Festivity (which could also be construed as ABF, acronymwise--coincidence, or Divine Plan, yes?), with umbrellas sticking out of 'em, or large pieces of fruit in there, floating around all happy and Vacation-like, or like, a cold, cold bottle of cerveza (that's Español for "fun") with a nice squeeze of lime in it, just like on that commercial for Mexican beers, only on my commercial, it ain't that brand of beer, no offense.
Vacation, man, yeah, when I am on Vacation, man, I am Vacationman, totally and to the Fullest Effect, and while I am generally a Modest person who does not enjoy to brag on my own self, I put it to you I am a pretty good guy, and yeah, when I go to some place that is Not Here for hot Vacation-type Action, I get Real Nice, you dig? For reals, deportmentwise, I get real effing happy, and I spread that happiness around in the form of congeniality and Good Tipping. And look, I generally don't stint on the To Insure Promptnesses when I'm outta my Vacationman uniform, fuck no, I'm just saying when I go on Vacation, I never forget to pack my Generosity, si? And I'm not bringing this up to be all patting myself on the back. I'm telling you, man, if you spread it around when you are on your own personal Vacation, you will have a better time, I swear to my Lord and Savior J.C. and the Sunshine Band, it works, and even if I get a bum waiter while I'm deciding on my next delicious and exciting Vacation meal, I usually tip at least the minimum, because when I do that, it makes me feel like I am a High Roller, which I am not, but I get the Illusion of Rollerness, and that all works into the whole Vacationman trip, seriously, like it's a Super Power, tipping, or even like a Miraculous Ability, to lay a noncrappy tip on a shit waiter with a Bad Attitude and become Better Than Anybody, and that's some Vacation Fun, seriously. The best way to put a smile on your own face is to be Better Than Everybody Else, eh?
That's why a lotta those Holy people, like, I dunno, Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama or whatever, I bet that's why they have that weird smile on their mugs. Seriously and no offense, have you noticed the semigoofy smile the Lama's always rocking? I put it to you these Holy People smile because they are Holy, and that makes them Better Than You, really, and it Pleases Them Greatly, so they smile, they can't help it, and when I'm on Vacation, I'm pretty happy already, but then I go into like, Happy-Overdrive and I probably look like the Lama. I mean, I don't wear the flowing robe, but I'm totally all Smiling and Placid and Serene and Peaceful and full of Good Will and Enlightenment and Knowledge and large quantities of Adult Beverages of Festivity and snacks and a delicious lunch and then a nice leisurely dinner probably a lovely piece of Grouper or maybe some other sorta Fish since I'm not good at cooking it at home so I like to order it when I go out and especially when I am on Vacation man because I'm willing to splurge a little on the meals yeah and seafood ain't cheap and yes I'm having two appetizers I'm on Vacation man and I wonder what they got for dessert and hey let's go get some sorta coffee drink after we leave the restaurant and I kinda feel like my lips are all purple from all the Vino I had with dinner and so look take a look tell me look are they purple and really how about that coffee on the walk back from the restaurant I'm a little logy and maybe a little gelato or some ice cream and whaddya mean I already had dessert at the restaurant I know that don't harsh my mellow I'm on Vacation man seriously I'm gonna go get one of those frozen cappucinos whatever I'm on Vacation man I'm on Vacation.
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