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Mr. Wrong

Sometimes No Great Notion

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 5/7/2008

Wow, I just got back from vacation, and boy is my brain empty! Hiyo! Emptier than ever! Arrooo! An infinitely paradoxical increase of post-vacation vacancy in my room to let! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ooo!!!

Usually I have at least a vague idea about how to stack up the 900 words it takes to fill my column-hole, but not today! Har! Yes, "Har!" I say unto you because it doesn't matter, man. Writing a column is probably one of the world's easiest "occupations" ever invented. It is a "racket," if you will. Watch me "work!"

Mainly I contend the Columning, it is stealing, but the thing is, if you do it, arrange a buncha words in the correct amount, then you are actually doing something, and so when you get The Money, it's legit! Too legit to quit, yes?

Yes! I am a Productive Member of the Media! That is some Funny Stuff, man. It's like a Giant Invisible Slot Machine--I don't know how I know it is "giant" if it is "invisible"--that pays off every time you press the button! It's My Personal Giant Invisible Slot Machine, and I found the Button! I put in 900 words, and it coughs up my bucketload of coins! Wow, no offense to people who get, like, tips and work for vending machines and stuff, but I'm sure glad I don't get paid in Coin, that would be a pain in the ass, you know? Actually, ow! My back! In my mind I'm lifting a sack of 19,000 pennies I got for my column: Urrrrrhmmpf!

Whew! One more thing to be Thankful for: folding money! Eeeheeheeee! Oh, man, I guess that's why They won't let me write a column every week, anywhere, but I'm not as dumb as I look on paper, man, I know this could all go--pfft!--belly-upwise at any minute, and now I have two Thems, one at City Paper in Baltimore, America, and one at the, on the internet of the Whole Wide World, and so every week I'm columning like it's my last every other week, respectively, and Every Day I'm Hustling, so don't Hate just because I want More, you know? Giant Invisible Slot Machine! Seriously! Every time I lay down a column, I win! You, too! Maybe!

Hey, you can play, all you really gotta do is tilt your head to one side and then copy down whatever falls out. That is my advice to the New Writer. You're welcome!

Check it out, in my head, like, right now, there is the coolest of a cool refreshing breeze blowing in the vast and serene expanses of my brainpan, and I find it to be most relaxing to listen to the inside of my own mind. Listen: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Yee-haa! Yeah, man! That's inside my head right fucking now, and it's effing awesome. Try it!

So, OK, again, columnwise, like, Vacation, it is the best, but also again and to reiterate: My "topic" today is that Mighty Wind blowin' across my brain-plane. It's like this, man: I have a column, and I just got back from Vacation, but I'm not like a lotta these other columns, man. I didn't skip a column because I had a Vacation, I simply wrote one before I was Vacant, and then it was there for the Gentle Reader to read, gently, like magic, while I was enjoying Vacation, and now I'm all back and everything, and, like, right this very minute I'm so very all relaxed and centered and I don't wanna be all like, "Hey, man, I am Columnist! I will now poop out a column all about my Vacation!" That's some boring shit, man. I mean, if you got bored by my column (not "are bored"--unless it's this one--"were bored" because after which you wouldn't read it anymore because I would not let you), then you would be totally doubleplusbored reading some blah blah blahblahblah all about blah vacation blah, you know? Blah! Plus personally I think if I were a consumer of Column rather than an Excretor thereof, I am not so sure I would really dig on reading about what some Column-person who steals money by typing crap into a newspaper or internet did on their goddamn Vacation, yes? Yes, no?

Anyway, it is a totally valid and expandable-upon foundation, man, it's not like "Ooh, wah! I got nothing to write about, I am writer, have blockage." What a giant load of bull-fucking-crap, really. If you are a writer and say you have blockage, I recommend a high bran-content breakfast cereals. It will completely relieve your blockage, and then you'll really have something to write about.

A slice:, a snack:, a hack:

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