So my column shoulda ran last week, but there was a "special issue" of Baltimore's Most Weekly Free Alternative, and it was the "Sizzlin' Summer" episode, where there is all kinds of stuff to read about Summer and why it is Good. I certainly coulda contributed to that, because I have opinions on a variety of topics, the Seasons being one of them, or four of them, since I have experienced the Fall, the Winter, the Spring, and the Summer, which is supposed to start on June 20, usually, but it seems like now errbody is in agreeance to expect some Summer action to start kicking in right around Memorial Day, which is a Holiday, and kinda matches up with Labor Day as a Holiday people really don't seem to understand completely, plus there's the Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon at the end of the Summer. So anyway, we just had it, the Memorial Day Holiday, and so in the Beginning of Summer spirit of the "Sizzlin' Summer" installment of Baltimore's Most Sizzlin' Alternative That Is About Summer and Which I Was Not Allowed to Participate in for Reasons of Oppression, I would like to explain why, when I am Running Things all up in here, this whole holiday situation is gonna get straightened out.
First of all, no more of these goddamn Monday Holidays. These Holidays are supposed to Mean Something, you know? I know, they mean you get a Day Off, that's a good one, har de har. Well, fine, take your fucking day off, in fact, take your all-day-sucker "Long Weekend" as many times as you are able to arrange for one, but you know what? Observe the fucking Holiday on the Actual Holiday, not on this approximate Monday bullshit that is close to whenever the real Holiday really was, which should be a Numbered Day, like New Year's, and Xmas, and the Fourth of July. I don't care about Religious Holidays, because I live in America, where The State does not interfere with, or promote, even, the Religious, so have your Religion Holiday whenever the fuck you want, because they do not concern me, OK? And I know the difference between Xmas and the Natal Day of Baby Jesus, got it? Did you know Memorial Day is all about thinking on the fact that lotsa people died fighting in wars? Like, as in, People Who Died probably yesterday? Do that and you got the whole intention of the Holiday. That's it, man, all inside your head, Holiday Observed. Take a fucking day off any time you want, but not for that, man, it's, I dunno, Bad Karma or something.
So look, no more of this fucking Monday-off-because-it-be-touching-the-weekend shit when I'm in charge. Plus, there's really only gonna be three Official Mandatory Holidays anyway. A Mandatory Holiday is gonna be when Everything is Closed. Except for, like, the Hospital and the Fire Dept. and the Navy and stuff. Mandatory Holidays: Thanksgiving, New Year's, and Fourth of July. That's it, man, all the other ones are Flex time. Observe your Own Personal Holidays as you see fit. In fact, Let It Be Written that you can put all your Holidays together and take the days off all in one row. I think that's kinda what the Europeans do Over There in, like, Eurostonia or whatever. Those guys get like a whole effing month off or something, and when they're not laughing at how crappy the U.S. Dollar is doing, they're scratching their European heads wondering howcumzit we (as in U.S.) don't get to take off for The Holidays as opposed to the crappy little Mondays-tacked-onto-weekends. I'm telling you, this Monday Holiday crap is just one more way The Man tricks you into thinking you are getting a Good Deal. Wake up and smell the Holidays, man, real ones, that don't include two days everybody already gets lazy on. Those weekend days aren't from The Man, but we're all tricked into believing they are, you know, and then it's like, "Oh, boy, a phony made-up Observance day for a real Holiday, now on Monday. Three-Day Weekend, yeah! Stick It to the Man!" Bullshit, man, the Europeans'll tell you how to take some days off, man, and drink wine for breakfast and stuff, too, I bet.
OK, as far as the Mandatory ones, the Holidays, Fourth of July is the Whole Country, case closed. New Year's is almost the Whole World, plus, it's a lotta drinking out there, so it'd be a massive sick-out anyway, you know? Thanksgiving is all about eating and lying around and watching teevee, which for me is exactly a Religious Experience, so I might have trouble getting that one through, plus I know it kinda marks the beginning of the Natives getting Exterminated, which is mostly History now, but I also believe the Natives should get better lawyers and take another shot at some payback. People gotta remember this is America, and you can go to court, you know? That goes for all the Descendants of Slaves in this country, too. Seriously, get better lawyers. Those reservations weren't a Fair Trade for the Natives, and I'm reasonably certain the ex-Slaves got zippy zero nada nothing bupkis, 40 Acres and a Mulewise. Maybe there should be a I Got Screwed by the U.S. Government Day, hah? Oh yeah, right, Taxes. Fuck, man, now that's a day we should all get to stay home for a long weekend.
812 Park Ave.
Baltimore, MD 21201