Let Others Play
Like a lot of Americans, I earn a living, but I could use an little extra cash, you know? OK, maybe just once, a lotta cash, a big fucking score. Just once, man. That's why there's gambling! It's fun! Yeah, I know, "Don't bet with your head, bet over it, so you can win it back," or something like that, is one of those helpful aphorism-type Knowledge statements from Caring People who want to make sure you don't go and bet the house and car and grocery and electricity and college and insulin money on some gambling. All I'm saying is I got it Under Control, pretty much for the most part, umkay? Plus, I sorta have built-in immunity because I have the non-High Roller chromosomes of being Greedy, but also being Broke, and also-also, being kinda, uh, thrifty, or whatever. If I lost a whole real-lot of dough on some gambling, I think it would ruin Gambling for me forever. Unless I could figure out a way to win the money back, right? Yow!
Seriously, I might lay out some rent or power-bill money on a Sure Thing, but I'm never betting grocery money on anything, OK? Maybe one scratch-off on the way outta the supermarket. C'mon, it's fun! "You Gotta Win It to Be in It to Win," or whatever the slogan for Gambling is. Man, if they put the scratch-off machine at the beginning of the Supermarket, I might be in some Big Trouble, eh? "OK, I'm dropping a 10 spot on scratchers, and we're getting the Red Peppers instead of the Green ones for dinner!" And why the hell do the Red Peppers almost always cost more expensive than the Green ones anyway? It's not fair. I mean, the other day at the Groceria, there was a sale on Red Peppers, and they were like a dollar a pound or something! It was kinda like I won a low-level wager, you know? It was like a Groceries Slot Machine, and I was scrambling for as many Red Peppers as I could scoop up into my bag. Good times.
I'm not really a big fan of Slot Machines, but they are part of the Great Continuum of Wagering, so I recognize their right to exist, even here in Baltimore, Maryland, USA, and I'm not gonna get into one of my previous theories of putting Slot Machines in schools, which I still think makes sense since the Schools were the ones that were supposed to get all the money from the scratchers until somebody did a little switcheroo and started getting the Stadium Authority paid, which is fucked up, no offense. I've been to some of those Baltimore Ravens games, and we didn't need State Funding to build a parking lot for The People to enjoy "tailgate" parties, seriously. The People can take care of their own parties, and rich motherfuckers and rich motherfucking sports industries can pay for their own fucking playhouses, Jesus Christ, seriously, We The People hand bales of cash over to Rich Motherfuckers all the time! Who let this happen? Oh.
Anyway, we got the Slot Machines Fever hard-core in Baltimore, and it's gonna fix The Budget or whatever because we are losing all the juicy Slot Machine coins just jingle-jangle-jinglin'-baby in the pockets of all those low-stakes wagerers who go to Atlantic City and West Virginia or wherever to Strike It Rich. Slots Is Inevitable, but it's looking like We The People are not gonna get any say in how We (The People) get to lose our dough.
It's like they (and you know who They are; they're not You) are all arguing over where the Slot Machines are gonna go and they wanna put 'em up in the Pimlico because while we don't have Slots Gambling we totally have Horse Race Gambling almost every day of the year, but somehow the racetracks can't make any money on it. Fine, I'm in favor of All Gambling All the Time. If We The People don't support Horse Racing, maybe it's because We can't get to the track, or when We do get to the track, it's kind of a toilet, you know? Depressing, man. Soviet-style décor goin' on up in the Pimlico, seriously.
And look, Post Time is generally 1 p.m., which generally means people gotta sneak outta the office to get to the track, and that sorta limits the crowd. I've seen it, man--pictures, I mean--of the track, and the sparse attendance while I'm at the office working hard. C'mon, man, let's get some good lights up and do some Night Racing! Spend a Buck to make a buck, right? And how about coming up with some Fun Activities to attract people? Why don't you guys get some bands or something to play at the track on Fridays so people can have a coupla drinks, get loose, and do some Drunk Gambling? That's the funnest kind! People who like to dump money into slots almost never play the ponies. It's a totally different kind of Gambling! It's like Red Pepper vs. Green Pepper! You can't make somebody like a Green Pepper if they don't like Green Pepper!
So let's Review: Slots is Good because it is Gambling, but they should be placed Everywhere, especially where there are currently those poker machines that errbody knows are for Gambling. I am also in favor of "offtrack" betting, i.e., "betting parlors," which should be placed also Everywhere, so I can walk outta my office and lay down a bet, because I like to play the Ponies, and slots are for suckers!
812 Park Ave.
Baltimore, MD 21201