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Mr. Wrong

Must Be Jam

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 6/25/2008

Man, I'm real hungry. Seriously, all I had to eat was two pork chops, all day. No, wait, I had breakfast at a diner, but it wasn't that good, so maybe that's why my stomach forgot about it. It was some eggs (scrambled) and bacon and home fries and rye toast. Why is toasted rye bread almost a special order at some of these diners? Plus, it's not even usually, like a real rye bread, it's some sorta skwushy bread with a coupla seeds in it. And what the fuck is it with some of these cheap-ass diners and the goddamn jelly they give you with your toast? I have nothing against jelly, OK? Grape jelly I enjoy on peanut butter and saltine crackers especially, but it's like I go in these diners and get some toast and they bring out that fucking basket, or worser still, it's already out on the table with a buncha greasy-ass butters from like 10 hours ago and some of those mini-tubs of that crap they give you to put on pancakes and waffles and whatever; I think they call it "breakfast syrup" or something euphemistic like that, jeez, already I'm veering off my jelly situation, which is to say jam, man. I want some fucking jam and not this crap like "mixed fruit" jelly?!? Hah?

You ever read these goddamn jelly labels? It's not like I'm a health nut or whatever (see "breakfast," above), but most of the time those "jellys" ain't even any good, as in they're just, like, grape juice and some stuff to make it jell into a jelly. I like hot butter on my breakfast toast, and I want at least a semblance of a fruit for to schmear on top of it while I enjoy my coffee with two half-and-halfs and three sugars, OK? Gimme some of that name-brand Smucker's strawberry, or hey, some marmalade, man, that's pretty classy, and really, how much more does it cost? Furthermore, I bet those goddamn baskets wouldn't be all sticky from people (OK, like me) opening up a jelly without looking first and then seeing that droopy little puddle of faded color, all kinda leaning sideways from the day-long exposure to room-temp, with a teensy puddle of melted sweat or whatever the fuck it is in a little shiny indentation on one side of the jell-rectangle, bleah. Lemme look for another one, a good one, man; shit. Nothing. Every one in this goddamn basket is that fucking "mixed fruit" crap, for fuck's sake, so then I have to compromise myself, man, I compromise my standards and I start looking for a "good" mixed fruit one I can spread on my semi-rye toast, fuck that.

And that "breakfast syrup" or whatever they call that shit that's supposed to be Maple Syrup? Because Maple Syrup is what your supposed to put on a fucking flapjack or waffle unless you are a total fatass and are going the powdered sugar, ice cream, and whipped cream route? Look man, I could stand to lose a few pounds myself, OK? I know how good a waffle with ice cream on it tastes. I mean, basically a waffle doesn't taste like much of anything--same goes for pancakes--all they really need to do is be pancakey and taste like butter and I'm in, but where's the goddamn Maple Syrup? The syrup made outta the sap that runs out of a real-live maple Tree?

This is the whole Corn thing again, man. I know I bitch about Corn a lot, and I am On Record as enjoying Corn (responsibly) but c'mon, man, we gotta stop with the Corn for solving All Known Problems, you know? Don't put fucking corn syrup on your pancakes, that's compromising your standards and mine, man. You gotta step up and force these cheapskates to put the Maple Syrup on the table. Wow, I'm even hungrier now, talking about all that food, even though it is food I do not eat so much on account of I need to lose a few. That's why I kinda don't mind being hungry right now. It's kinda like fasting, right, being hungry? I heard on the radio today while I was driving in my car that kids in Africa who are starving will sniff glue because it distracts them from being hungry. That's fucked up, man. There are all these things I keep hearing about the Food and how we're getting near Soylent Green times with the fish dwindling and there was some country that was rationing rice or some basic staple food like that and people are getting their stomachs stapled on account of they are obese from eating too much food with Corn in it and getting big stomachs and all the other food, like chicken, which is one of the Greatest Foods On Earth, is grown in factories on Corn and it's not good any more and there's the E. Coli or whatever all over the tomatoes and did I tell you I only had breakfast and two pork chops to eat all day? They were Shake `n Bake porkchops, too. Pretty tasty. I know, porks are probably all fed Corn. And some pie. Me, I mean, I ate some pie. I was driving through Pennsylvania and I stopped at a gas station and got a coupla those Starbucks DoubleShot espresso deals in the teensy little cans? Those things kick ass, man, definitely good for breaking the old Highway Hypnosis--and I saw this display of itty-bitty l'il pies, each one a different kind, like lemon and cherry and chocolate, and I went for the apple one to go with my two blasts of caffeine because I figured the apple mini-pie might have some actual pieces of apple-fruit in it, and that's healthy, because I could totally stand to drop a couple or 20 pounds, for reals, and I don't get all this starvation, man, I'm fucking surrounded by food.,

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