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Mr. Wrong

The Smell of Victory

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 7/9/2008

Now is the Summertime, and I am generally in favor of heat and humidity, especially because of when I think of Wintertime, which for me is not usually so much Good Times. I mean, I can get behind some Winter sports, like the skiing and sliding down a hill in a sled or toboggan or whatever, but the minute you stop moving, it's fucking Cold out there, you know? All you gotta do in the Summertime is find some shade, a cool refreshing beverage, and just Stop Moving. Sometimes you can even combine all those events with lying on a raft in a pool or ocean full of water. Man, I am so fucking qualified for that, seriously, if Not Moving was an Olympic Event, I would be on the bus to China right now to win my next Gold Medal in the men's Not Moving, unlimited, in this year's Olympics.

Did you know there is gonna be some Wet Hot International Olympics in China this year? It is the Summer Olympics, and these are the events, which I just scooped up off the swimming, diving, synchronized swimming, water polo, archery, badminton, baseball, basketball, boxing, canoe/kayak flatwater, canoe/kayak slalom, cycling, equestrian, fencing, football, gymnastics artistic, gymnastics rhythmic, gymnastics trampoline, handball, hockey, judo, modern pentathlon, rowing, sailing, shooting, softball, table tennis, taekwondo, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, beach volleyball, weightlifting, wrestling.

That's a lotta Olympics, huh? Those Chinese are super-psyched to be hosting that shit in Beijing, China, and it looks like they went nuts with building buildings for the Games and all kindsa special transportation schemes and subways and all that other construction-organization-tech stuff so they can show the World that China has its shit together, just like Greece showed errbody at the last Summer Olympics, right? No offense, China, but people are gonna forget all about that shit as soon as it's over and go back to getting pissed off about the Bad Stuff in the toys and food and stuff like that, OK? But yeah, for a few weeks it'll totally be that whole International Spirit of Cooperation and Competition until somebody gets busted for cheating or some Rhythmic Gymnast gets a crappy score from an Enemy judge and is screwed out of a Gold Medal.

But whatever, I dig on Olympics because I don't have a good attention span for sports stuff and Olympics are a kabillion things going at the same time, and so for, like, three days, I'll be deep into the canoe/kayak slalom and I'll have Opinions and everything about who is really good at slaloming a kayak and who stinks, and then I won't even think the phrase canoe/kayak slalom for another four years if ever again in my entire Life.

There's a coupla events I think are really more just straight entertainment, like the synchronized swimming, for instance. Here's what the Chinese Olympics says about it:

Gelatine keeps the hair in place. Make-up brings out the features . . . Originally known as water ballet, synchronized swimming began in Canada in the 1920s. It spread to the United States in the early '30s, where a display at the 1934 Chicago World's Fair drew rave reviews. Its popularity soared further when Esther Williams performed in a string of MGM "aqua musicals" in the 1940s and '50s.

See, that sounds like it should be something going on in Vegas, you know? I'm not saying it's not something requiring an Extreme and Elite level of skill and ability, and that I'll totally be ready to discuss last night's first-round showing by the Egyptian team, I'm just saying it sounds more entertaining than sportif, yes?

Same goes for the Beach Volleyball

I just get a little queasy when I see some athlete running around with a Flag wrapped around him and there's all these screaming people up in the stands getting weepy and waving whatever the goddamn Flag of their Nation is. I know it's just some sorta Issue I have with uniforms or something, but it always feels a little sieg-heil to me when people get their blood up because somebody wearing their matching colors just won the gymnastics rhythmic event. OK, wait, there's one event where I think the whole Flag thing makes perfect sense: shooting.


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