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Mr. Wrong

Road Rash

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 7/23/2008

I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I got a bike, you know? Yeah, I'm gonna ride all over the place to places where normally I would drive my car, right? Yeah, sure, like to work, or to, uh, church and stuff, or possibly like to go buy ice cream or snacks or some refreshing beverages so I can remain well hydrated after almost falling off my bike because the shift-thing isn't the easiest thing in the world to operate sometimes, seriously. Do they have a bike that has an automatic transmission? That'll be my next one after I wear this one out, yeah!

Arrooo! Exercise, baby! I feel healthier already, just looking at my bike, and it's heavy, so when I have to pick it up to lock it to my house, I'm totally getting even more exercise from lifting it, yes? Also, it's really hard to smoke on a bike, so I'm already way ahead in that department, although cigars don't seem to be a problem. It's totally cool, though, this exercising, it's like, I swear just thinking about being on my bike and stuff is burning calories from more brain activity. My brain is sweating. I bet I won't even have to change any of my eating habits on account of I will be Expending Calories on my way to go places where otherwise the biggest exertion I would be experiencing along the way would be from changing the stations on my car radio. I think it would be pretty good exercise to go get a pizza on my bike. You have to balance it, right? That takes all kindsa crazy tensing of the muscles.

So anyway, I got this fucking bike, with the reflector and a lock so nobody steals it (the bike), and I bought this, this flap, I dunno what you call it, but it's this piece of plastic you bolt onto the back of the bike so when you ride around in the rain you don't end up with a wet streak going from your buttcrack to the back of your head. Or in my case, on the top of my helmet, which I decided I really needed to be, like, totally committed to riding a bike and because peddling my be-hind around the city is fucking dangerous, man, seriously, people in cars are a major pain in the ass when you're on a bike, and I really enjoy the theory behind all these new "bike lanes" with the white diamond painted in 'em, which are basically these amazing acts of Belief on the part of anybody who would pilot his bike down one and think he's not gonna get picked off by a car drifting over the paint or a car pulling away from a parking space. It's just paint, man, don't trust that shit if you are on a bike, OK?

I think I'll try and ride my bike on the sidewalk, man, it's dangerous on the road. Fucking people in cars throw their doors open right in front of you when you're on a bike. Just saying to all my future new fellow ladies and gentlemens of the two-wheel traveling, really, watch your fucking ass, because I was gonna ride my bike to this one place, but because I knew I wouldn't be able to lie down on the ground and rest when I got there, gulping for air like a suffocating gill-breather, I took my car, and I started noticing all the shit people on bikes do.

Basically, if you are a bike rider, I personally don't give a fuck what you do as long as you're going faster than me, OK? I don't care if you ride in between the cars in two-lane traffic, or if you ride in a traffic lane like a car and then cruise through a red light because you're rolling, or if you grab onto a garbage truck or whatever to get a free ride without peddling, but the minute you are on a bike in a traffic lane in front of a bunch of cars and you are going slower than the cars, you need to please, please, pleasepleaseplease get the fuck out of the way, really, move over if you can, or get on the sidewalk, because no offense, you're fucking it up for everybody. Yes, the cars you're blocking want to speed, they want to be bad and break traffic laws just like you do when you just kinda slow down and then blow through red-light intersections against traffic because you're moving faster than the cars, that's fine with me, honest, as long as you're far enough away from everybody, go for it, other cars aren't particularly interested in crashing into you, I mean, OK, I guess I wouldn't trust any cars around me either, and I don't have any statistics or anything because I just realized I need an air pump in case I get a flat so I had to put my bike back and now I'm kinda tired from carrying it back up the steps to lock it up again. H


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