Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Games People Should Play

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 8/6/2008

So I guess there's gonna be a vote, or a referendum, or a Plebecite or something, about these Slot Machines, and I'm pretty sure I've made it perfectly fucking crystal clear in various outbreaks of the Mr. Wrong "column" that I am in favor of all forms of gambling that can be made legal with a minimum of Objections, and even though I personally don't tug on too many one-armed Bandits, I say The People should have whatever form of gambling they deserve, and one thing I know about Our Fair City is that people love them some Electric Gambling Machines. Seriously, you go into any little nonchain Corner Store or dumpy-ass Old Man Bar, and somewhere in there is one or more of these "Poker Machines," and if you go there enough and know the right secret handshake, you can ply those suckers with your hard-or-hardly-earned dough and cash out if you win. It is no big fucking undercover-FBI secret that these machines are all over the city and people play the fuck outta them for money, and not For Amusement Only, dig?

I have no fucking idea why Eliot Ness and the Untouchables or whatever are not busting these things up with axes on a daily basis, on account of I am pretty sure it is Completely and Totally Against the Law to have machines for Gambling that don't have the Mark of The State all over `em, such as the Keno, Scratch-offs, Numbers, etc., and I'm not exactly an expert on the Enforcement of Gaming Laws or Tax Laws--or really anything, which you, the Gentle Reader, would know even after a coupla sentences of my pointless, purposeless, bi-weekly prevarications, but I watched a lot of The Wire on the Home Box, and I guess it's not the best use of our Police-power to be doing clandestine ops to bust out some corner tavern that covers its weekly nut with this form of Gambling.

But then I remember, hey, I pay me some fucking taxes, and if the goddamn numbers game and Keno and all that other crap (except for a piece of the Mega fucking Millions game, which somehow feeds the Stadium Authority--was there a fucking Plebecite on that one? Hah?) can Render Unto Caesar some kickback, then these fucking Illegal Gambling Machines need to come correct, I mean, check this out:

Lottery revenues are deposited into the State's General Fund. Over $529 million was contributed to support such services and programs as education, public health, human resources, public safety and much more, all of which greatly benefit the citizens of Maryland.

Designated proceeds from the Mega Millions game benefit the Stadium Authority. In FY2008, $21,500,000 was contributed to the Stadium Authority.

I guess the only way that's gonna happen is if all these places that basically already have Gambling get a chance to Get In On It, slotswise. I don't ever worry too much about facts or any of that stuff, because I have a lot on my mind, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that The Man only wants The Slots in Certain Places. They don't want it near schools, they don't want it available to children, sure (which totally messes with one of my earlier plans to have Slots in Schools), but I bet (get it?) they also don't want it anywhere there's already a Poker Machine, and that's Total and Complete Bullshit, man, that's like some sorta Class Discrimination or something, and if there's supposed to be some sorta Vote about this--which is also probably Bullshit; They (and you know who They are) just want you to Think you have a say in this all this crap--but if there is a Vote, I urge you to make sure any Elected Official you can bother should be forced to understand that a referendum just on some sorta straight up-or-down on The Slots won't fucking get it, oh, no, these goddamn Slots need to be Everywhere, just like the fucking Scratch-offs, Keno, Pick 3, Pick 4, Keno Bonus, Mega Millions, Racetrax, Multi-Match, Bonus Match 5, Countdown to Millions, MD Hold'em, and any other Game The State runs that they just invented while I was writing this, OK? Don't go just only putting The Slots at the horse track or some Casino someplace, Jesus Christ, don't you wanna do this right? I'm talking about a Legal Stranglehold on All Forms of Retail Wagering! The State already pulls in huge bank off the fucking Gambling, and this is a chance to make (or in the case of the Low- or No-Income Wagering Enthusiast, recapture) a whole mess of trickle-up revenue from the Truly Needy Gambler, and in doing so, redirect all that loot that was going to Criminal Wagering back into the stream of State-Run Wagering. I invite various think tanks and focus groups to call on me for guidance, and in the meantime, Let Yourself Play. H

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter