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Mr. Wrong

Car Club

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 8/20/2008

Somebody fucked with my car again. This time some loser snapped the H off'n my grille, the shiny H signifying "Honda," as in Civic, as in 1996, for fuck's sake. I mean, it's almost a Historic car, why you gotta go and snap off my H?"

This is the cherry on the ice-cream sundae of my car crapola lately. A few weeks ago somebody actually tried to steal my fucking 12-year old car, the whole car, with a rusty hood and loose bumper and bald-o tires. Look, fucking Car Thief, why the fuck don't you go out and steal a good car from somebody who can afford this shit? Knuckleheads went and just totally destroyed my ignition lock, like they put some kinda serrated knife in there or something and just totally reamed the keyhole, just completely fucking destroyed the goddamn ignition. In broad daylight. I dunno why that's important, but if anything ever happens in daytime, you always gotta go, "In Broad Daylight they fucking did that, can you believe that shit?" It's never like, "On a Partially Cloudy Day near Dusk, can you fucking believe they did that shit, huh?"

So they messed up my window and mangled where the key goes to start the fucker, but they didn't get the car started. I am an Optimist, so I tried to use my key to turn the ignition, but for some reason it did not work, so then I called the cops, and then Auto Club, and I don't know why I call it the "Auto Club"--it's like, a club is for fun, and "Auto Club" is never Good Times, no offense. The tow-truck guy was all like, "Yeah, you got some real amateurs here, this car is a piece of fucking cake to steal." Great, thanks, all of a sudden I have to worry about somebody stealing my Piece of Shit car. One of the Bonus Factors of having a POS car is nobody wants to steal it, you know? What the fuck? All of a sudden I gotta do The Club--see, another goddamn Club that is totally Not Fun--and I gotta, what, park in better places? The tow-truck guy was all like, "Yeah, there's lotsa good parts in there, air bags and shit," and I'm like, "12-year-old air bags? Really?" Maybe I should just take the fucking thing apart myself and sell the goddamn pieces on the street.

I called the cops and then I called the tow truck. Guess which one showed up first? Guess which one didn't show up as of two hours after I called? I realize the police have important shit to do, but how about this: I call the Police, I wait over two hours, it's not a matter of life and death, I just want to be a Good Citizen and report this shit (plus later the Insurance told me I needed to), but if you guys don't come after two hours, how about I get my car towed to a garage where I can get it fixed, and later when it's convenient for me, yes, Me, Convenient for fucking Me, how about you, the Police, don't treat me like I'm some kinda fucking Criminal for "taking so long to report" this shit? I didn't! I fucking called literally minutes after I discovered The Crime of the Century. It took me 10 minutes to explain where my car was parked, and I know there's no way the location was ever relayed to a Police car with any kinda accuracy. Is it rude to ask for a better Operator if you think you're talking to a dud? It's like, the car was parked in a parking lot, facing an alley. The alley had a name, but there was no proper Street Address for the lot, so I said, "Well, here's the alley, and then to the east of the alley is a street. Here's an address for a building on that street that is the next street over from the alley. You find that street address and dead west of that is where my car is." Two hours later, no fucking way. So I had my busted-ass car towed to the garage, and a few days later (again, this is not Life or Death, yes?) the one cop hadda call his Supervisor to come out and Assess the situation, and she said there was No Record of my 911 call. Right. I fucking made it up. It's a massive Insurance Fraud scheme, and I'm gonna make, like, over $100 on this if all Goes According to Plan. And it's not my attitude, man, I'm bitching now, but I am super-polite to all Officers of The Law. They get Shot At and shit, they have Guns, and lotsa people don't like them, so I'm not getting all attitudinal. I say please and thank you, I don't curse (pretty sure), and if they don't show up two hours after I call to tell 'em my car got fucked up, it's no biggie, I Move On with my life, OK? I just wish they coulda, like, Homed In on my cell phone or something? Can't they do that? Like find the GPS coordinates of my ass while it is parked on the hood of my crappy car that is now even crappier? Whatever, I survived the interrogation and got my Police Report that stated my car was Fucked Up. Thanks, Incompetent Car Thieves!,

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