Always The Best
I'm a positive person, you know? I really don't like to complain much, so look, I'm just stating a fact here: My Column only runs Every Other Week in a Newspaper that comes out Every Week, and in two weeks, this here paper and the enormo-gigantical Web Site it has propagated will be jammed full, crammed full, of my favorite-est episode of the year, the Best of Baltimore, baby, all kinds of blurbs about what is the Best, like: Hamburger, Lecture Series, Band, Artist, Place to Eat a Taco, Shoes, Web Sites, Clothing, Fancy Restaurant, Actor, Actress, Flowers, Lingerie, Motorcycle Parts, Deli, Politician, Pit Beef, Meatball, Car Wash, Poetry, Radio Station, Beer, Pie, Vegetarian Restaurant, Dry Cleaner, Haircut, Teevee News Anchor, Yarn, Jewelry, and even Free Stuff, man, it's totally everything left in and nothing left out of all the great stuff you would ever wanna see, do, or eat in Baltimore, USA, except for my fucking Column, which is running this Every-Other-Week, and then skipping Next week, because it's an Other Week, and then when it's supposed to run again on the Every-Other, I get Repressed, Censored, and Stifled outta the Best Issue of Baltimore's Free Arts and Entertainment and News and Place to Get a Hot Dog Alternative Weekly.
Some people get mad at Best Of, a lotta times because their particular Thing they think is The Best didn't get named as The Best, and it's too late for this year, but if you have something that didn't get Best Of'd, I think you should do this:
Step 1. Write a letter or e-mail to the paper right away and explain why yours is The Best. Don't tell the paper that everybody here is stupid or mean or whatever, because the way it works is a whole bunch of people write these fucking Best Ofs, and it's basically supposed to be Opinions, you know? This shit is Arbitrary and Subjective, so if you win a Best Of, hooray and Good Times, but if you don't get one, Don't Hate; Participate, like in Step Numero Dos:
Step 2. All of this year between now and the next exciting episode of City Paper's 25th-annual Best of Baltimore edition, make sure you tell errbody in the Whole Wide World to Vote for your shit at www.citypaper.com when the Best Of Readers Poll starts up again, because even if you can't get any ink from the people who write the Best Ofs, you can help yourself to all the Love you can eat from The People, you know? The Readers Poll is from The People. So you should fill that shit out, and when it's time next late July-August, you can totally get a bunch of the paper ballots from the paper and put 'em out on your counter or whatever and have people who love whatever it is you think is The Best fill 'em out and vote for your ass. That's called fucking Democracy, man, it's called Campaigning. The only thing you can't do is fill out the form for 'em, you know? It would be like a politician going into a voting booth with somebody and voting for that person, you know? You campaign your ass off, but then let your supporters walk that last 100 feet to the polls all by themselves. Democracy, man, arguably Best Form of Government ever.
So get ready for the 24th Annual Best of Baltimore, and I'm not complaining, I'm just saying: It's the Best Bullshit, man, the Best Repression, not having the Mr. Wrong Column in the Best of Baltimore, but whatever, it's still my fave-rave installment, and I vote for it as the Best Best Of, even, because it is the Biggest, and has the Most Words and pictures, and also Advertisements, which are Valuable Sources of Information, man. C'mon, that's true, lots of people don't even read this fucking paper, seriously, they flip through it and look at the ads to see what's going on, and that's totally fair, I mean, there wouldn't be a lot to read in the paper if it were all ads, but you could still read it. Like, I happen to dig The Pennysaver, and that's almost all ads, but it'll get me through a visit to the Porcelain Convenience, where I sit down to do some of my Best Thinking, all Rodin's "The Thinker"-stylee, yes? You know? You, too? Anyway, so also: Best Ads, man, Get It Wednesday, Sept. 17, when the next installment of my column shoulda run, but won't, but get it anyway, because it is The Best, except for the not-having-my-Column-in-it part, so that could be, like, Best Way to Make the Best of Baltimore Besterer, or something, but you should still pick up a copy of the Best of Baltimore or look at it on the www.citypaper.com because it is The Best. Mostly.
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