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Mr. Wrong

Free Parking

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 6/4/2003

Jesus Christ, what is the big deal with this FCC and the Media and the Consolidation? Monopoly? Who cares? You mean the teevee news on Channel 11 is gonna suck more? This is possible? That boob who comes on with his "Editorials" in the morning when I'm trying to wake up is gonna be more of a pompous ass? Im-fucking-possible. I'm not awake yet, OK? Just let me know if there was a Dirty Bomb last night and how that affects my Traffic and Weather Together, OK? And deeper still: So what?

It's fucking teevee, man, you knew it wuz a snake when you switched it on, dig? You must release yourself from this notion of Quality Television. Teevee is Yours to Control; open the tap, pour yourself a shot of Television, and then close it. And if you're one of those The Nation-thumping freaks who no-watchee teevee, then what's the fucking difference? Your brain is safe to Think Differently and/or Correctly, so, I mean, are you worried about your Responsibility to all those soft-headed Beta-Minuses (like me) Out There watching Maury and what they're gonna do when the UniWorldCorp MoFoInc. News and InfoTainment Organelle starts spoon-feeding them their News and InfoTainment? It's too fucking late for that, man. It's been going on for, like, 70 fucking years, and before that it was getting pooted out on the radio, and before that, uh, it was, er uh, oh yeah, newspapers. Newspapers, man. "Remember the Maine" and shit like that.

Damn, I still remember the Maine. Cool! So high school wasn't a complete waste; I mean, I don't remember anything about the Maine, but I remember it, and I remember "Yellow Journalism." That's about it, 12 years of school, "Remember the Maine," SOH CAH TOA, and "Yellow Journalism"--it's all up there in The Vault, man. "Yellow Journalism" = Bad. I got it. People were being Controlled by Newspapers, and the world ended. Oh.

You want some Freedom of Choice? Coke or Pepsi: That's all the Freedom of Choice you need, OK? And if you don't drink soda pop Because It's Bad for You, then keep your trap shut about the Lack of Choice in the soda-pop kingdom, since it's looking like Coke and Pepsi are monopolizing the beverages. But telling me carbonated bevvies are Bad for Me is like going down to The Corner and telling the fiends that the Purple Tops aren't really The Bomb. "Excuse me, Sir or Madame Addict, did you know That Shit's Bad for You?" Don't waste your stank bref, OK?

Look, I like me some Coca-Cola. Most refreshing. I'm trying to cut down, because That Shit Will Kill Me, the White Sugar, but goddammit, sometimes I still want some, OK? And it's wa-aaay better than Pepsi. I will take the Blind Taste Test and everything. But so what, what the fuck does that mean? Lotsa people dig on the Pepsi-Cola, so I say good times, enjoy. And look, I read--not, like, books or The New Yorker or anything--but I read product labels all the time, and I learned all by myself PepsiCo sells bottled water (which I have heard is healthful for you, which I don't really completely understand since there's no nutritious caffeine or sugar to be found in water), but look, Pepsi will sell you some water if you don't want to swill it out of the tap, see? You don't have to drink their syrupy goo if you don't want to, and if you don't look at teevee, you won't be hypnotized by Britney Spears' midriff into wanting to, like that pill-popping Bob Dole (R-Kansas).

I personally enjoy Pepsi-Cola on draft in a summertime County Fair situation, but it's not often. In times of crisis, I also admires me some cool, refreshing Mountain Dew, but since that's owned by Pepsi, does that mean I Obey Pepsi? I don't think so, because Fuck Pepsi, right? It's a Free Country. And you know what? Fuck Coke, too. I mean, you can't tell me that shit they sell now with the High Fructose Corn Syrup in it is the same shit I got addicted to as a child, so fuck'emfuck'emfuck'em. I can even buy their product and still say that. Fuck 'em. PepsiCoke-Co-ColaCoInc.

And I can watch teevee and, even though it is one of my Reasons for Living, I can say Fuck Television. Because Television is My Bitch. I flick a switch, and it's There for Me to Do My Bidding. That's right, and so are all the freaks on tap from the teevee news, no matter what flavor it is--PBS, Fox, or that corn dog Peter Jennings and his contrasting-color shirt collars. What the fuck is it with the contrasting-collar shirts? You can almost guarantee someone is an a-to-the-s-s-hole when they sport one of those English-investment-banker white collars on a blue shirt. But that's just me. Freedom of Choice Disclaimer, brought to you by the DemocraticRepublicanCokeBaltimoreSunPepsiCoTribuneScrippsWMAR-TV.

So, hey, pick one, or don't pick none, OK? It's not a monopoly. I mean, personally, I'm all for this FCC, because I work for a newspaper that is owned by a newspaper that also owns some radio stations, so shit, yeah, let's buy some teevee stations and agglomerate, man! I mean, it's a fucking lock that I'll get recognized for my, uh, abilities and get my own teevee show, maybe even my whole own teevee channel. Yeah, that's it, I'm goin' straight from this every-other-week "Yellow Journalism" bullshit to WrongTV, 24-7. This is gonna be great. Hey, maybe I'll get a news show so I can straighten everybody out.

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