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Mr. Wrong

Lost Wages

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 5/7/2003

Har! Get it? Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada, right? Aw, man, come on, that one's priceless, classic, timeless in its deft twisting of the name of the town to coincide with the zero-sum-game result visited upon its many visitors, one of which I will soon be.

Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada: I wish I thought of it. In fact, I would enjoy to buy whoever did thought of it a refreshing beverage in Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. Eeeheeheeheeharhar!

Aw, come on, it is too funny. OK, maybe it's just because I have never been to Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada (cackle), OK, I'm gonna stop with that because I have to get this so-called column taken care of so I can get the bags packed for Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada! Har! OK, I'm not gonna stop doing it, I just decided, because I am overexcited to be going to this place where they have the gambling, and, and, the drinking, and the air-conditioned comfort, andandand, uh, the gambling, in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a desert. Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. Aahahahahaharharharcghk! Ack!

Got a Nest Egg and everything, man. Yeah, the Nest Egg. Didja ever see the movie Lost in America? They have the Nest Egg and they're in Vegas. I'm not gonna ruin it for anybody because the whole Nest Egg part is critical to your enjoyment of this Major Motion Picture, so let's leave it at that, OK? They have the Nest Egg, and they are in Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. Arrrrooooo!

There's also Vegas, the teevee detective show featuring teevee's Robert Urich as Dan Tanna, but that was only remarkable because he parked his car inside his living room, plus I think he's dead now, so that's remarkable. And also-plus his name semi-sounds like that of Robert Ehrlich, who is governor of the great state of Maryland, and who seemingly Got Behind the whole slot-machines-at-the-horse-racetrack thing (and maybe later in some casinos, but nobody said that part out loud; they just thought it) to make money, but even if we had some big old legalized slot machines right here in the great state of Mahrlan', Robert Ehrlich, governor, I would remain overexcited to be going to the city where they have slot machines, like, fuckin' everywhere, right? Talkin' about Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. Still funny.

Because, like, that's there and this is here, right? And fuck slot machines anyway, man, OK? I mean, how boring. The monkey puts the coins in, and the machine makes a little noise, and then you put some more coins in. Oh, sure, I'm gonna drop a coin in a slot machine when I'm in Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada, but I'm not gonna be one of those Undead Zombies you see suckered onto the front of those slots, no way. Just gonna drop a coin in the first machine I see in the casino, and that's it, man. Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada.

I mean, if you get into that slots-slot, you gotta have that dirty cup to keep your coins in. Some filthy, dirty plastic cup that millions of nose-picking, cigarette ash-flicking, scab-clawing, butt-scratching hands have held until the rim was beslickened with palm perspiration, and then it dried, and then more filthy claws held onto it, and then the dirt from all those nasty mitts got ground in. Disgusting. And what a rip, the slots, seriously. But it's all good, OK? They (and you know who They are) should still have all that shit, the slot machines and the casinos and the blackjack and the pai gow and the baccarat and the roulette and the Texas hold 'em and the keno and the bingo in the great state of Maryland. Oh yeah, they already got the keno and the bingo, good times, two down, excellent. But all that stuff could be here now, and I'd still be going to Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. Mwahahahaha!

They got the CSI: Crime Scene Investigation teevee show there now, too, but I don't care about the CSI: Crime Scene Investigation teevee show, because that's on teevee and I'm not going inside my teevee, man, I'm going to Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. Hyuck! I can't wait, man. I'm gonna stand around in my tourist shirt and my tourist slacks and I'm gonna just slacken my jaw and stare at everything like the most touristy tourist to ever tour the tour. I wanna see the stupid fake pyramid and the fake Statue of Liberty and the fake New York and the fake Venice, and I don't even care about the real Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. I mean, what is that?

I hope I get "comped," like in that movie Hard Eight. That's when you know you're in Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada, man, when you get "comped" for, like, your room or your meal or a Rolex or maybe even some Versace clothing like in that movie Showgirls, one of the Greatest Movies of All Time. Yeah. I wanna get "comped," at least maybe for the buffet. I love buffet. I sure am hungry. I wish I knew how to play cards or something, because that would probably make it more fun and all, being in Lost Wages. Lost Wages, Nevada. Harharharharhar! Maybe somebody there will give me a few pointers.

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