Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Danger Pudding

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 4/23/2003

I would just like to take this opportunity to say that I am sorry. I apologize humbly and profusely. I don't know if one can put a price on this kind of thing, but I'm ready to sit down and discuss the damages and repercussions like an adult, so I sincerely and abjectly would like to convey my deep sense of regret and remorse for not brushing my teeth the other day.

I mean, it's not like I'm Joseph Lister or whatever, but usually I'm pretty good with the hygiene and the cleanliness and stuff, so sorry, OK? I mean, we're talking some serious bow-wow, man. Arf. Hope I didn't cause any permanent damage. I didn't notice until I breathed on myself way late in the day. Good Lord. So like I said, I'm sorry to have breathed my Stank Bref on or near the general direction of anybody, really. Urgh.

What happened was I did something out of sequence to interrupt the orderly flow of that day's ordinary pre-public ablution. If it's a nonpublic day and it looks like I'm pretty much staying inside the castle, then all bets are off, ablutionwise. I mean, I will resolve urgent porcelain-related concerns, be they seated or standing-room-only, but there's no telling when the teeth-cleaning and armpit-foo-foo-ing will occur on a day when there's no Public Contact involved. OK, some things might not ever make the Activity Plan on a nonpublic day, such as the cleaning of the hair and some shaving and possibly a complete wash down of the corporeal form, but I'm tellin' you, man, the toothbrushing always gets taken care of. Almost. So OK, right, that's as in "not always," which is also similar to "almost identical," "nearly perfect," and like that. But damn, I swear, the toothbrushing is always Job No. 1. Almost. And this isn't much of an excuse, but concentration has never been a strong point.

At this time I would like to interrupt myself and take the opportunity to state that I enjoy pudding. I have been thinking about this for quite some time. I still apologize for the Bad Breath the other day, but look, I can't control my thoughts, and I've been trying to figure out when I could fit this "I enjoy pudding" theme into one of these columns. Usually what happens is if I think about something too long, it gets ruined or turns into something dangerous, and then I need to just leave it in there--although there is no there there, in my brain, but you know what I mean, right? So I ignore the Bad Ones That Don't Fit in Anywhere all up in there, and they sort of go away after awhile, like when you have a banana peel on the passenger's side floor mat of your car because you ate a banana in your car on the way to work, and it seemed like a waste to put it in a plastic bag that would wind up in the dump.

Are you with me? Come on, this is a little Nature Moment here.

So you get all naturalistic with this banana peel (which has now been in your car on the passenger's side floor mat for two days and it's all black because you don't pay much attention to stuff on the floor of your car but you weren't gonna put the banana peel on the seat next to you) and look for some kind of compost, naturey-type place to put it, like under some mulch around a tree or some shrubbery so it can melt back into Nature. OK, maybe that's just me.

Anyhow, the Enjoyment of Pudding is an important subject for me, so here it is: I enjoy "instant" pudding, where you don't cook it and you just sort of stir it a lot, then chill it, and voilà, it is pudding. I also enjoy the "real" instant pudding, where you cook it on the stove top and stirandstirandstirrit until it coagulates--or puddingifies, if you will--and then you can put it in the fridge, or if you're a real slob, you just eat it hot without even transferring it to some nice little pudding cups, but if you just, for the love of God, once in your life put it in the fridge and wait a little while, it will be delicious, and if you don't like the top to get skinned-over, which really, really disgusts some people, you should put some of that plastic wrap or wax paper over the cups, and then that won't happen.

I personally enjoy every part of the pudding, including the skin. It's very natural. I used to super-enjoy the prepackaged, predone, premanufactured puddings such as Snack Pack®, but not as much since they don't put it in the aluminum cans anymore, you know? Now they put it in safe little plastic cups, but half the fun of enjoying an old-school serving of Snack Pack® was yanking back the top and licking the pudding off the back of the lid without getting your tongue sliced open in the process. A little danger with your pudding, dig? Makes it all the sweeter.

So anyway, I think what happened with the toothbrushing is I had to clean one of my ears with a Q-Tips® cotton swab before I did anything else that morning because one of my ears got into a bad position overnight and I slept on it, and then it got all sweaty on the inside, or maybe I just drooled into it somehow, but anyway, aside from the usual Overwhelming Need that I salute each New Day by satisfying, I also had an Uncomfortable Wetness going on in my starboard earhole, so I most likely grabbed me a Q-Tips® and got to work policing up my Canal of Hearing before I took care of anything else, which then threw me off my entire preflight checklist, and then once I hit the shower, I was completely concentrating on remembering if I shampooed my hair. Maybe I got too much aluminum in my system from licking all those Snack Pack® lids and I have Alzheimer's from all that aluminum. That would be a good excuse. I just remembered I should also apologize for not wearing any deodorant that day. Foo. Wow, sorry about that, really.

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter