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Mr. Wrong

We Got a Better Bomb

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 3/26/2003

Dan Rather used to blow Nixon's mind, and now look at him . . . some kind of Superpatriot, man . . . all these embededs want to be Edward R. Murrow, but none of 'em smoke cigarettes (on camera) . . . CBS has the best computer graphics of weapons . . . ABC has the best 3-D computer maps with flames on 'em . . . Geraldo is still looking for Osama . . . where's the MOAB? . . . I heard it was as big as a Hiroshima bomb, but that was disinformative . . . Bush is the man, but no offense, he's not The Man, Donald Rumsfeld is The Man . . . Dick Cheney is The Man, wherever he is . . . Godammit these guys are killers (no offense) . . . what about the computer electromagnetical pulse bomb like they had in the remake of Ocean's Eleven?

Even the fucking Canadians are pissed at us . . . I'm never leaving the country again . . . Mexico maybe . . . that guy who's the very model of a modern major general at CENTCOM is showing videotapes of shit blowing up real good . . . but we're never gonna see anything explode on teevee the way those towers did . . . that's what he should be telling us, as in U.S. . . . where did the teevee news get all these retired generals for the play-by-play, and all the blabbering about military strategy? Peter Jennings didn't go anywhere . . . he stayed on the air too long and started forgetting what question he was supposed to ask and who cares anyway . . . why the fuck is Matt Lauer in Doha, Qatar? What exactly is the purpose of Matt Lauer in Doha, Qatar? How come nobody knows how to say "Qatar"? Is it, like, "KA-tar," or "gutter?" Maybe it's "kut-thar?" Tom Brokaw can't fucking talk anymore . . . here's Al with the weekend weather in fucking Iraq . . .

I don't trust anybody . . . Ted Koppel is embedded . . . where's Colin Powell? . . . the radio computer bomb GPS bomb smart bomb satellite-guided bomb . . . everybody's gonna start talking like they're in the fucking Army . . . don't do that . . . you're not in the Army . . . peace protesters were out in the rain but they were poorly lit . . . if you honk, are you for or against war/peace? . . . some guy in a big shiny 4WD truck was honking . . . if you drive one of those big meathead trucks, are you against the war on war (peace)?

Brit Hume?

Whatever net he ended up is on is the loser net . . . I can't keep track . . . how do these guys keep finding jobs? . . . the mystery pneumonia with flu-like symptoms . . . I am an infidel, I think . . . stay in your homes and remain calm . . . OK, sure, no problem . . . three sides: U.S., Saddam, Peace, U.N., Iraq . . . OK, five sides . . . Turkey, Kurds, Syria, Israel, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Eritrea, the French, CNN, CNBC, Fox News, National Geographic Explorer, NPR, WTOP 1500AM, WPFW 89.3FM, CBS, NBC, ABC, Abu Dhabi TV, and Al-Jazeera . . . Fox News just declared war on Al-Jazeera . . . who voted the french fries out of the government cafeteria? . . . vote boobs who waste time on french fries back into McJobs at McDonald's . . . I like french fries . . . I really like champagne . . . how fucking stupid . . . they have McDonald's and Disney in France, and we have champagne and probably something else that's good from France (not snails), so who got the better deal, huh? . . . the UN is always in the United States . . . they should move it around like the fucking Olympics . . . Saddam's wife . . . they tried to kill . . . Mrs. Saddam . . . I got a handbill when I paid my toll for the tunnel . . . I have to report suspicious activity . . . I have a heart attack every time I drive through the tunnel because the truck that's next to me is suspicious and it's gonna blow up . . . dust . . . smells . . . all suspicious . . . I didn't buy any fucking duct tape . . . list of friends . . . list of enemies . . . Operation: No Oil for Frenchie . . . everybody thinks now this is the reality television . . . it's managed by the Emperor of Star Wars . . . I'm afraid of the Rumsfeld . . . (no offense).

Videophone.

We got their money, too, so there.

Embedded tools on the news . . . haven't heard one of them say they were scared . . . they're not being real . . . they should be scared shitless . . . because they don't have guns . . .

Operation: Hurry up and Fucking Kill Saddam Quick.

All lies . . . Saddam's got tapes just like Osama . . . no offense, but I bet Rumsfeld capers . . . like a daemon . . . Jesus Christ he's scary . . . I'd hate to get on his bad side . . . Roman Polanski won an Oscar . . . he's a wanted criminal . . . alleged criminal? Dan Rather got Saddam's DNA . . . Dan Rather touched Saddam . . . First there was supposed to be duct tape, and there was this advertising campaign about the shock and awe war they were gonna fight . . .

Berm.

Everybody's saying berm again . . . I forgot to bet on the basketball . . . they took a shot at Saddam . . . Decapitate . . . Tariq Aziz . . . what's his deal? . . . they got his son in jail . . . Saddam stole Tariq's eyeglasses when they ran that video . . . Saddam is a double . . . Dan Rather is a double . . . how come I can't get the Al-Jazeera on my cable?

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