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Mr. Wrong

More When, not Less More

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/12/2003

I'm not an ingrate, see? Don't go thinking I'm complaining about the wealth, the riches, the superabundance, if you will, of the fine television entertainment flowing out of my digital cable-teevee spigot morning, noon, and night all over my living room. (Wait for it.) I mean, I never thought I'd say it, and I'm probably gonna get kicked out of the Teevee-Corp and get sent to no-teevee hell for thinking it (wait for it), but, yeah, OK, I'm complaining. There's too much teevee. It's too beaucoup.

Teevee Colonel: What is that button on your body armor?

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: A teevee symbol, sir.

Teevee Colonel: Where'd you get it?

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: I don't remember, sir.

Teevee Colonel: What is that you've got written on your helmet?

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: "Born to Watch Teevee," sir.

Teevee Colonel: You write "Born to Watch Teevee" on your helmet and you wear a teevee button, and you whine in that stupid, filthy, only-every-other-week column of yours that there's too much teevee. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?!

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: No, sir.

Teevee Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you!

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: Yes, sir.

Teevee Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before The Man.

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.

Teevee Colonel: The what?

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.

Teevee Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: Our side, sir.

Teevee Colonel: Don't you love your country?

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: Yes, sir.

Teevee Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?

Mr. Teevee Too-Beaucoup: Yes, sir!

But My Teevee is too beaucoup, man. I can't watch it all. How'm I gonna watch all my shows and hold down a full-time job? How'm I gonna watch House Hunters, Cita's World, The Price Is Right, Joe Millionaire, Celebrity Mole, elimiDATE, Maury, The Young and the Restless, Meet the Press, Card Sharks, Supermarket Sweep, American Idol, Today, Star Search, How I'm Living, Designing for the Sexes, Cops, The Hughleys, The CBS Evening News With Dan Rather, The People's Court, Jenny Jones, The Osbournes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Trading Spaces, UnCut, Changing Rooms, The Real World, The NBC Evening News With Tom Brokaw, Star Trek, Kingpin, The Larry Sanders Show, Trauma: Life in the ER, 20/20, The Golden Girls, Your World With Neil Cavuto, Thunderbirds, Curb Appeal, WinTuition, Iron Chef, Videofashion, Seinfeld, America's Funniest Home Videos, Texas Justice, Cribs, Crib Crashers, Pet Psychic, The Bachelorette, South Park, Glow, Monster Garage, Dateline, BattleBots, Sealab 2021, Behind the Velvet Ropes, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Teletubbies, The Late Late Show with Craig Kilbourne, Oz, Crossing Over, G-String Divas, Braceface, SpongeBob SquarePants, Judge Judy, While You Were Out, Queer as Folk, The Practice, Jimmy Kimmel Live, The 700 Club, CSI: Miami, Total Request Live, The Howard Stern Show, Storm Stories, Nachman, Hardball, Larry King Live, House Invaders, Dragon Ball Z, Live With Regis and Kelly, Battle History, Transformers, The Late Show With David Letterman, The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, Late Night With Conan O'Brien, Direct Effect, Antiques Roadshow, Max Steel, ComicView, Match Game, Cram, Shabby Chic, Will and Grace, The Sopranos, Katie Brown, Martin, Roseanne, Screen Savers, Fashiontrance, Forensic Files, Makeover Story, The Bernie Mac Show, Nigella Bites, Saturday Night Live, Model, Survivor, The Man Show, Insomniac, The Simpsons, Blind Date, Sabado Gigante, Homes with Style, Cheaters, Runway, Area, NYPD Blue, Caliente, Style Star, Miami Vice, Face the Nation, Law and Order, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, and Law and Order: The Next Generation and have time to eat and take a dump?

And don't tell me TiVo. No offense, but fuck TiVo, OK? I'm tired of paying for this shit. I want FreeVo, OK? It's bad enough I gotta pay for cable teevee, and now digital cable teevee, which gives you more channels, but looks crappier, but now I'm supposed to pay a robot to tape my shows and remind me what I like? I know what I like. I don't need robots watching teevee for me. Teevee is supposed to be free, and there's supposed to be enough teevee you're not interested in to make you pissed off when there's nothing good on so you can go make a sandwich or clean up a little in the bathroom or maybe even sleep or go out and work at a job or something to earn money to buy snacks for watching teevee with. But now there's too beaucoup teevee. I need more time during the day so I can work out my teevee schedule a little. I mean, I have to start doing Sophie's Choice on all my teevee programs. Why can't they put more stuff on against the Today show? I mean, I watch the Today show, but just to get the weather report for my "neck of the woods," like Al Roker says every morning. He sure did lose a lot of weight. I wonder if he still has that barbeque show on the Food Network?

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